Hi, I’m new. I signed up because I think I need some sort of support or words of encouragement, I’m having a bad day with grief. I lost my Mum last month just over a week before Christmas. She had been in hospital for 3 weeks and prior to that, she developed a chest infection. She was 82 and had chronic COPD. Even though it was kind of expected, I am struggling with her being gone.
I’m back at work although working from home for the rest of the week on the recommendations of my manager for one of my jobs, the other job I was in the office for 2 days. I am ok generally, but today I’ve been struggling - crying a lot and trying to get my head into the job but failing.
I think about her every day, wake up and she is the first thought that pops into my head. While for the most part, I am able to carry on with my day, I have times where I have what I call a ‘Howling Moment’ where I totally loose control and wail.
Does this get any easier? I have been told that it does and I guess I am still very new in the journey, but I need to know I will be ok because today, I don’t feel it.
I can only speak from my own experience. I have been told that the grieving process is individual, but being on this site I can see similarities. I lost my uncle and then suddenly lost my Mum. I lost my Mum 3 months ago. Mum and I were very close. We lived together. The first 3 days I just cried and cried. Then I was functioning, dealing with practicalities and seemed to talk, talk, talk. This helped me. As I had bereavement leave, I kept busy without it being stressful. Generally I was doing okay. It has seemed surreal for me, which I think is a protective mechanism. I returned to work last week ( partly onsite and some wfh). I am generally functioning day to day, but have triggers and then need to cry. After that, I am calm again. I was very overwhelmed this evening. I think grief can come in waves which I think I am experiencing now around the 3 month mark.
Thanks for the reply. I can totally identify with the surreal element of all of this. I have definitely felt that. I have also been functioning; able to deal with life, admin around Mum and her funeral plans but every now and then, something floors me and it will be a memory that suddenly crops up. At the moment, I think about her time in hospital and I’m trying not to because she suffered and was scared. I have only just started to remember other things like her drying my hair and us walking to the shops when I was a child.
We had Mum at home in her last days as those were her wishes and we never left her bedside. Her passing was peaceful and it is a comfort to me that she got what she wanted - it felt like the last good thing we could do for her.
But despite that, it still hurts and like you, I have a good weep and am calm again. I have never gone through this before so its all new to me.
Hello @Kermit I lost my mum just a few months ago and just like you for a while it all felt surreal…even the funeral did.
Yet there have been times I’m sobbing uncontrollably then it passes and all is calm too.So reading your post is also a blessing to me as sometimes I think is this normal?Yet reading yours makes me realise I’m not the only one experiencing this.
Songs definitely trigger even more sadness..I go to pick up her mails at her home once a week as she had her own retirement flat..so heartbreaking to go there as everything’s still untouched.
I guess this pattern will continue as long as it needs to and there maybe times when you feel you’re emotionally out of control.Its great that you’re on here to share you grief as in doing so it will help other identify with your experience plus you will find empathy here too.
All you can do is take each moment of every day as they come and many things will be triggers like certain hours of the day when you think "normally this or thst would be happening at this time ect ect”.
Hi Kermit, Sorry you finding things hard. I lost my mum at a similar time. We seem like we are at the same stage in our grieving process. What you said about finding your mum’s passing surreal resonated with me. I still can’t quite believe it, but at the same time I am acutely aware of it. Be kind to yourself and take care x
Thank for your reply. It does seem to be a pattern of emotions I’ve noticed reading through some of the comments. I am glad I found this forum. I don’t feel so alone in my pain.
It’s triggering going to my parents house where my Dad and sister live. Mums funeral flowers are everywhere. It’s been 5 weeks now and still feels very much like an open wound. I have perfected the art of driving and letting go in uncontrollable snot sobs. That’s probably not safe to be honest.
Thank you so much for your good wishes. All the best to you too
I’m sorry to hear of your losses, Kermit, Lou77, Anthony72 and Sparrow.
I’m in a similar situation, I lost my mum at the end of November, she had been ill for quite some years but her diagnosis of cancer was quite quick and the life expectancy so short.
I was distracted by organising the funeral and all the other arrangements, bills and the house to notice my grief fully. As i’m back at work on a phased return its hitting me quite hard. Each day is such a struggle. I was very close to my mum, we’d talk everyday and my life seemed to revolve around her; appointments and care. As I don’t have that now I don’t feel busy or myself. I feel that I’ve not only lost her but a large part of my identity.
I have howling days too, I usually try to do it away from family, on an evening in the bath. Music is a big trigger, we had similar music taste so it’s hard to enjoy my favourite music as it just makes me remember her.
I have desperatly been trying to cheer myself up and move forward as I know my mum didn’t want me to let grief take over. Sadly grief took over my mum when her mother died and that really affected her mental health and overall wellbeing which did a number on our relationship.
I’ve tried to make eating well and regular exercise a big push in my life which is helping me have a goal and purpose. I would also recommend a book I’ve read which really outlines grief from somebody else’s perspective but the journey of it. It is from the perspective of a women who loses her husband but it is so relatable it helps me not feel as alone (Now is not the time for flowers - Stacey Heale).
I’ve watched a lot of selfhelp videos and tedtalks on grief and one that’s helped and stood out recommneds writing to your mum. So i’ve done this at the start of the month. Giving her updates on what I’ve been doing but also outlining my feelings, missing her and also addressing hard topics such as; you won’t be there at my graduation, when i have children or another Christmas without mum. It’s difficult but it helps me structure grief, have a time to cry and get out my feelings on paper and address my fears for the future.
I hope this helps and if anybody else has any other suggestions please let me know
Thanks for the book tips. I’ll look into those. Interesting lots of us have lost our mums at a similar time. I similarly to you Holly, was very busy organising things and now it has caught up with me. I’m finding a balance of a phased return to work and being ‘quiet’ is helping. My first two weeks back into real life were frenetic and very social. I’ve tried to dail all of that down and I’m feeling better for it. Take lots of care xxx
Thanks, I will take a look at that book. Funnily enough having something to work towards has been a motivation for me too. I feel like I need to declutter and eat well and exercise (not something I do regularly). The other thing I have started is to journal. It helps to get my worse days down on paper. I read somewhere that it can help and it does seem to, so I’m going with it. I hope we can all find things that give us coping mechanisms. Bless you x
@holly5555 holly5555Ji thanks so much for your post and u do appreciatethe time you’ve taken to explanation so much about you various coping strategies ect.
Often we do know that one day our parents could pass away before we do and just the thought of it use to make me cry and be upset..now it’s actually happened to me and to us on here.
It can feel lifes stolen then from us as there’s that sense of unfairness and injustice that even though we know what happened..there’s that sense of…”yes but”
One thing I’ve discovered is not to deprive oneself of grieving fully and allowing it to happen because the pain we feel is the direct result of our deep love for them.Yet there are certain dynamics within that that can definitely be detrimental to our wellbeing like you mentioned happened to you mums mental health and it affecting your relationship.
Glad you have been also accountable to someone else and are definitely self aware which is good to know.
I guess we Will never get over this completely..yet as the years roll on may we all find a deeper measure of strength to keep on living despite their absence from our lives and cherish those wonderful memories of them we keep within us.
After the funeral, I made sure that I reached out to others and was not afraid to let others know that I needed to talk it out. I also have practised self care - eating, going for walks. I have tried to do positive things in memory of Mum. So I volunteered over Christmas with a charity that she supported and attended Light Up a Life event. Due to exhaustion (which my GP thinks is grief related), I have had a full MOT ( blood tests etc) as I think that grief can take such a toll, so it is important to stay well. I also read a book, “Grief Works.” I will check out the other recommendations - thank you. I am back at work on a phased return, but I have to remind people that I am on a phased return, I am grieving and that I get exhausted as I get asked if I can do things beyond the normal remits of the job. I get triggers, such as the bulbs Mum planted are started to have shoots. I then feel sad that she took such care and won’t be here when they blossom. The sadness comes now, whereas in the earlt days I was numb and it was surreal. I still find it surreal as if I think too much it becomes too upsetting, but then it is better (although painful) to feel the emotion and allow it to happen. I am so sorry that we are all in this situation, which I certainly didn’t envisage this time last year.
I also am decluttering! I know that my Mum loved her home and a tidy one, so I am sorting and tidying. I have found that it gives me a purpose and I feel that I am doing what my Mum would have wanted.
Hi Kermit, It’s good that you are able to let go of that emotion. I hung on to mine until after the funeral. I was staying with my dad after my mum died and needed to keep it together for him. I only started to grieve when I finally came home. Good that you can have a good cry. Drive carefully though
Hi Sparrow, Returning to work is hard and exhausting. Completely agree. It’s good that you have a phased return. I’ve done the same. I find interactions with people other than my immediate family so tiring. I have decided to ‘lie low’ for a while. Take care all x
@Sparrow2 Sparrow2Hi yes this time last year just like you were saying one would on NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS envisage such a dramatic turn of events..and it’s one thing our loved one’s becoming ill…it’s another thing to see them pass away so unexpectedly😢
Glad that you’re allowing yourself to experience your grief as it deeply rooted in your love for her and the trauma caused by the separation death brings.
This forum is a real blessing to be part or even though the reasons we’re all here is a very sad one.
I hope whatever recommendations you follow up on prove really helpful for you and that you find the strength to get through the many hours of each day.
Triggers are definitely gonna come and so many things can cause them..sometimes causing real sadness…other times causing waves of nostalgia.Though your life will never be the same again may the things you’re doing and going through bring you to a place where you can function despite her absence with a greater strength and courage.
I have read that when it takes you, you should go with it. After work yesterday while I was walking to the car, a memory popped into my head of Mum and i started crying. I had a bout 10 mins in the car where if anyone heard me must have sounded awful. I am not ashamed to say it, but I wailed. I had another just before bed. I find that I keep it in around my colleagues and I have to release it when I’m by myself. I don’t want anyone to see me like that. I feel exhausted today
@Kermit Yes that’s right…yet there maybe certain times when you can start to feel overwhelmed out in public places like in the middle of tesco when someting triggers pain like you hear a particular song..see something that reminds you of her…then one has to hold things in till you get outta there…those moments cam be real hard.
So glad you had that moment alone in the car as moments like those are really important to get space for that emotional release.So glad you shared that as I have many moments like that…then it passes then one tries to carry on with the day.
Moments of private grief are painful yet so precious and iam sure you will have many more moments like that.
Im so sorry for your loss. This isn’t much help on if it gets easier but i want to say that im going through a similar situation. I lost my 59 year old dad to COPD/emphysema in november. He got diagnosed in 2010 when I was 6 years old. It’s still very hard coming to terms with such loss but personally, there is a sense of a relief that comes with it. Knowing they’re no longer suffering and in pain, struggling to breathe anymore is what is helping me feel slightly better about it. They’re at peace now, no more being attached to an oxygen machine wondering when the end will be. Remembering the happy memories, looking through old photo albums from when they weren’t in a bad state helps. I’m currently reading a book on quotes about losing a parent. It’s called “the weight of what’s gone”. it’s got some beautiful quotes in it. some sad, some happy and some motivating. I recommend giving it a read x
