Losing my mum, feelings of guilt

Hey… So I lost my mum suddenly in Nov at 59, she went into hospital with a bad back then passed away 3 weeks later from small cell cancer & because of covid we couldn’t visit her in all that time, when they finally let us in the day before she passed, it was so upsetting to see how much she had declined in that time, she could barely talk and was just out of it on morphine. Every bit of energy she had she would use to tell me and my brothers she loved us. The Doctor told me my mum would have about 24hrs at 5pm so i stayed until 2am, told my mum I was going to go home & get a few hours sleep then be back up at 8am to spend the day with her… I had a phone call at 7am to say she had passed. The feeling of guilt is overwhelming at times, I’m so sad I wasn’t there and Im just worried that she may have opened her eyes, was scared and had no family around her to say goodbye. I thought i had more time. We miss her so much, she was so close to my daughters aged 3, 9 & 14, she would have them overnight most Fridays, I’m really struggling… I don’t even know what I’m asking for but it’s just nice to write my feelings down somewhere, so thankyou.

Thankyou, alot of people have said that she probably did wait until she was alone as no way would she have wanted me to see her pass… I don’t know I’m just struggling with it all… Thankyou for your reply

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Hello StaceyJayne

I’m sorry for your loss. I definitely think your Mum wanted to spare you seeing her pass. You shouldn’t feel guilty, she would absolutely not want that at all.

I lost my Mum on 8th December. She was diagnosed with MDS/leukaemia in October and although she was weaker and didn’t feel well a lot of the time, she was still herself. On 7th December when I went to spend the afternoon with her as usual, she wasn’t right and she declined very rapidly. I stayed with her all night, didn’t sleep, just holding her hand as she wasn’t conscious by that point. I kept telling her it was OK to let go if she was ready. The next day, my Uncle and his wife came and told me to go home for an hour and they would stay with her. When I came back, I could see that my Mum had declined and I just knew it wouldn’t be long. She passed away half an hour later and I firmly believe she waited for me and I also believe she waited until my Uncle and his wife were there and we were all together to look after each other. I also firmly believe that my Mum’s rapid decline was her way of sparing me from seeing her become more and more poorly. She was still looking after me even though she was so poorly and I believe this is what your Mum was doing too.

I am in a world of grief and loss, the gap left by my Mum can’t be filled by anyone else and it’s very lonely without her. I miss her so much.

Like you, I don’t know what I need in terms of help as nothing will help but it is good to share experiences and talk about the people we love and have lost. Take care.