Losing my mum, my best friend.

I have just joined the community as I am not coping well. I lost my mum on the 3rd of July. She was my world, we spent every weekend together, went on holiday together and texted every day more than once as I always made her send me a text in the morning so I knew she was ok. Met every Wednesday for coffee and gossip and shopping.
I have a partner so I am not alone, but still some how feel very alone.

She became poorly again for the 2nd time in May 2017 but she fought on like she did the first time determind not to let it take over her life. She came through a rough chemo and made it so that she could get the sign off from the doctor so we could go on holiday again for the last time. We went to Cyprus and had a terrific time and she said it would be our last swan song. On Friday the 13th of April (never was superstitious before) she called me to say her face felt funny and she was calling the ambulance. They initially thought she had had a stroke but it turned out the cancer had spread to her brain. Three weeks in hospital a bout of radiotherapy and she was allowed to go home to her house. I moved in to help her initially with a view to her having her independence and carrying on as normal, this was not to be. She started to get forgetful and due to the cancer in the brain her balance wasn’t great. During the time she was at home we sat watched tv together played with the dogs and did puzzles.
She found it increasingly hard to speak, and got very frustrated, also because of this she became very bored.
Sue Ryder Day Service in Cheltenham got in touch with us and she had a lovely day with them on the Friday. That weekend she became very disorientated and distressed and so Sunday morning at 7am after having conversations with paramedics and consultants I took mum into Hospital.
She was admitted and spent 5 days in hospital where on the day before she was due to be transferred to Sue Ryder Hospice she had a very bad spell and her condition deteriorated. She moved to Sue Ryder where we were able to take her out in the wheelchair in the gardens and I could also take her dog up to see her. After 13 days at Sue Ryder mum passed away on the Tuesday morning.

I know she is in a better place and no longer suffering, and has been reunited with my dad after 28 years but I miss her so much. I am literally crying my eyes out whilst typing this hoping that getting it out might help. I cry at any given time for no reason what so ever, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, not because i’m tired I just don’t want to get up.
I more often than not feel nothing and think there must be something wrong with me, but maybe it just still doesn’t seem real.
I just don’t know how to cope or what to do???

Hi Suey70,

Welcome to this community - I hope you find it a safe and supportive space to share how you’re feeling.

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum so recently. Your loss is still very new and raw and it’s understandable that you’re struggling at the moment. There is nothing wrong with you - everything you’re describing is a common symptom of bereavement and you’re certainly not alone here in what you’re experiencing. If it helps we have an article about coping with bereavement that includes suggestions for how to manage some of the feelings you’ve mentioned.

Do you have anyone supporting you at the moment? Perhaps a close friend or family member? Having someone to turn to can make such a difference. Many of our hospices offer bereavement support, which might be something to bear in mind, and we also have an online bereavement counselling service available through this community, that you’d be more than welcome to access.

Take care of yourself and keep talking to us as long as it helps.

With best wishes,