My mum recently passed away on the 8th November. It was all very sudden and it has hit me especially hard. I was with my Mum in the morning when she collapsed and I was with her when she took her last breath by herself. She was in a coma for a couple of days but unfortunately her heart was not strong enough and she passed away. I was only 22 at the time and my Mum was only 47. It’s been so hard because she did not show any signs of something being wrong but she must have been in so much pain because she died due to bronchopneumonia. My birthday was then on 16th November and my first one without her.
I find myself in a daze most days as she was the Hub of the family and now I am having to sort the bills and look after my dad who is 77 and struggling so much after losing my Mum. I don’t know if anybody else is the same or ever used to feel this way, but I carry so much guilt with me about that morning I always think I could have done more. I should have spoken to her more that morning. I should have just told her I love her while I could. We have had her funeral, and it was so heart breaking seeing my mum being lowered into the grave. I never thought that would happen until I was at least the same age as she was.
I keep talking to her and expecting to see a sign she is there… I just am really struggling at the minute with how to process everything. Does the pain get less at some point? When will I know if she is there? I have never had to deal with grief and I never thought for a second that it would be my Mum. I miss her so much, I just need to speak to someone who understands I suppose.
Dear Charlotte,
I am so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. I can relate to all you’ve said. Sudden death, out of nowhere, left thinking how and why, and the guilt and the regrets and all the what ifs… I know it all too well. My mum. Healthy and young. Just can’t be right. I was supposed to have her for at least another 30 years… 7 months on and I still can’t believe. Does it get easier? Yes, but you’re irrevocably changed for ever. The pain will always be there, but you’ll adapt to it. Be also prepared to be jealous of people with their mums. I’m especially jealous of people in their 40s, 50s and beyond with at least one living parent. But I’ve also become more compassionate and considerate towards people, trying not to judge anyone as you don’t know what they’re going through- maybe they too have lost someone dear. Things make me emotional, like people talking about grief and sharing their experiences on TV, literally makes me cry my eyes out. I feel guilty whenever I feel remotely happy, and I feel guilty for being sad. As my mum wouldn’t want me to wallow in sadness. And she didn’t give birth to me and looked after me all these years for me to have a life full of sadness. In my darkest moments these thoughts keep me going. I’ve had many miracles in my life since she passed away, and I know she’s behind them, had many synchronicities since I got out of my mind and into my hear (couldn’t do it for the first few months, I was in too dark a place), and I know she’s visited me. Look out for feathers and butterflies and dreams. Most dreams about her will be just random dreams where your subconscious is trying to process what’s happened, I kept having these recurring dreams where I knew my mum was going to die, but she was oblivious to it, and I was desperately trying to save her. But some dreams will feel different, she’ll speak to you directly and you will feel her presence, and you’ll just know she came to visit you. I’ve had 2 of those so far. I’m not someone who believed this kind of stuff before, had an open mind, but that was about it. Now I know. And your mum is with you too xx
Thank you so much, needed to hear that this morning. Had no sleep at all I just kept staring into the dark hoping she would come… I know she will eventually. Thank you, hope you are okay xx
Hi Charlotte, I hope you are doing better now.
I’m currently going through the same as you above, but I’ve stumbled upon this forum and am preparing for it. I’m not sure how many hours or days we have got with her. She is in a coma after a stroke this morning and I feel so lost.
Oh Anna I’m so sorry to hear your Mum is ill at the minute. I’m thinking of you. I will never forget that weekend my mum was in a coma and the feelings going through me. I didn’t sleep a wink either and I know that there’s no way you will whilst she is there, I wish I could tell you a way for you to sleep and to rest but there isn’t I’m thinking of you and your Mum, I sincerely hope she pulls through. Sending all the love your way
Dear Charlotte, I am going through something very similar, my Mother passed away on November the 25th and I am consumed by regret, worrying day and night that I could have done more…could I have been more?
I’m also the same about talking to her, I do constantly and keep continually asking for a sign as she promised me that she would appear or give me one before she died. I keep hoping and hoping and hoping…
I’m 46 so yes indeed, so enormously young. My Mum was around your Dad’s age so she was lucky enough to have had more years under her belt but the pain is immense, it really is…
My friend lost her son who was severely disabled recently. She said she is grieving but wants to be more than she was before and better and she is doing one good deed a day in his memory. From what I have read, we have changed and will have to get used to how we feel to a certain extent, but I plan to be a better person to honour her memory, I plan to be more, to give more and turn this horrible negative into some kind of positive. She isn’t here anymore but I plan to make the world a better place in my own small way so she is still having an effect on the world today as we know it.
Bless your heart, it meant a lot to me to read what you had posted because it really is a mirror image to mine to a certain extent. I lost my fiance unexpectedly aged 29 and have been single for ten years since…I thought I knew the very worst of grief but it’s nothing like this.
Take it one day, one hour at a time friend…feel for you so much, god bless…
Hey Charlotte, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your bereavement happened very recently so please be kind to yourself. I’m 24 and lost my Dad in May. He died very suddenly and was totally unexpected. I toyyed with guilt/bargaining quite a bit in the early days. If only I listened to him, If only I stayed there, If only he had his phone. It’s all part of the process and I think eventually you move away from that. It sucks losing a parent at any age I imagine but when it’s totally unexpected and at such a young age it is especially tough. My thoughts are with you. Life can seem so cruel. Your mum knew how much you loved her, you didn’t need to tell her. It might not seem like it but I’m sure it is a blessing that you were the one with her. My Dad’s funeral seemed surreal too. Now I look back, it all seems like a blur. I was the one who organised the funeral, cleared the house out and did probate (essentially everything) cos his parents are dead and mum had nothing to do with him. It will take some time to process what has happened. Grief is unfortunately a long process. I am still processing what has happened to me but you will have good days. Hold onto the good days. I used to speak to my Dad a lot but even still I ask him to give me a sign :’) I’m sure she is still by your side even when you don’t know it. Once again I’m so sorry for your loss. Xx
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, our situations are so similar so it’s comforting when you hear from somebody going through the same thing as you. Christmas was an especially difficult one this year, I’m sure you too found it all difficult as well… I am the same, I have my good and bad days. I just wish there was a way to speak to her and see if she is okay and if she’s happy. I’d imagine she is probably upset to have been taken from us the way she was but I just want to know if she’s okay. Take care of yourself, we will get through it with our parents watching over us
xx
I’m thinking of you and your Mum, I sincerely hope she pulls through. Sending all the love your way