Hi. I lost my Mum suddenly 9 wks ago. She had a fall and she was waiting on surgery at a hospital i won’t and can’t mention right now. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye and I regret not saying some things when she was alive. I spent the last 5 yrs as her full-time Carer and when she died I lost everything including my home. There’s so many things I wish I’d told her and I struggle finding the right words to tell people how much pain I’m in. My Gp just ignores me when I ask for counselling and just after she died I became suicidal. I’m not now I just can’t get a handle on how I move on without her. Everything has changed and I’ve fallen out with family so I don’t really have many people to talk to, I’m really hoping that can and will change now I’m here. Every day is a struggle to do the most basic of tasks, I feel totally lost…
Tappy177
Firstly, my condolences on the passing of your beloved mum. My mam passed away too nearly 9 weeks ago.
Like you, I was mam’s carer. I lived with mam for 60 years and for the last three years, mam had Alzheimer’s. She was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks and came home under palliative care. She was back at home where she loved to be and passed away 9 days later.
I only know what you have put on here but I will say that spending all that time caring for your mum, spoke volumes about the love you both shared, without having to resort to words.
I understand that you feel there are things you wished you had said, but just take strength and support from the love you gave your mum during that time and the love your mum gave to you.
I know it is hard. You are heartbroken, as I am too. My grief now, is getting worse and worse. Some people say live day to day and we have no option, we have to. Please take pride in that you were a loving daughter to your mum and this makes your grief deeper.
God bless and sending you all my support. Stephen 
I’m very sorry for your loss, like you Mum was my world and I never thought she could be snatched away so soon. I get told every single day to go 1 day at a time and that “it will get easier” whilst people think that helps, it really doesn’t. The pain is getting worse not better and sometimes I can’t even drag myself out of bed. It sounds mad but giving in to the tears is better than just fighting them. I miss her every single second and knowing I’ll never hear her talk or share a hug is so painful. After our dog died we put in place to say goodnight with a hug every night. I miss that little but so important ritual that we shared. I miss her terribly. I sincerely hope that you can heal in your own way and time. It’s still very early days for both of us and I hope we can find the strength to rebuild our lives after such an awful and profound loss. I wish you the very best and thank you for replying to my post.
Hi Tappy177.
Thanks for your reply. It is the little things as you say which add up to epic emotional times. Like you said: hearing your mum’s voice; the hugs and little touches.
I miss those things too. The way mam said Stephen. The way when I dressed her each morning and she would put her head on my shoulder/ chest and say I love you and I always said if love you too mam.
I think with us both being very close to our mums we had a special relationship that not everyone has so those small moments mean a lot to us because no one else experienced them.
I agree with you. I get the hour by hour, day by day a lot. I simply just cry out sometimes at the unfairness of it all.
God bless and all my kindest regards. Stephen. 
That must be so hard, I think everyone regrets things they didn’t say, I think it’s the grieving process but try and get involved in groups, you can ring for group meetings: have a look on line. I think joining some groups like walking or some kind of sport would be a great thing to do.
Oh Tappy177, I feel your deep, deep lose as I have experienced similar. My Mum died 7 months ago, but really I find it is like yesterday. Mum and I always lived together. Falls are so traumatic. I always told Mum to be careful. Mum was so independent at almost 94. She successfully got through major hip and pacemaker surgery a year ago, was able to walk outside as we both worked hard together doing exercises and walking. Mum got so confident that she then fell over a year later. My Mum successfully got through hip surgery and died suddenly on the day of discharge. I was always with Mum at the hospital. I was cleaning our home, getting it ready for Mum. The social worker still went to the hospital for discharge. Like you, I never got to say goodbye and tell her how much I loved her. People have said to me that the person chooses how they want to go. I believe that Mum knew the pain of separation would be so unbearable that she saved me from that. Try not to think of moving on. Its impossible. I thought I had to do that. Other people use that word and it puts pressure on us to cut the connection. I won’t move on. How can we? Our Mums will always be our Mums. The connection and love that we shared will always be there within us and they will always be beside us. Always here if you need to talk.
Hi Tappy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know the unbearable pain. I have lost my dear mother 4 months ago. I was het caretaker with my sister for 9 years after our beloved father passed away very unexpected. Just like you my sweet mother was my world too. She just like my father meant everything to me. She was beautiful inside and out. I got in a terrible depression after her passing that was awful. She got the influenza A virus (never heard of it before here in The Netherlands they do not warn you like in the USA for this dangerous virus). She got a viral pneumonia. And to young unexperienced doctors (female) did so much wrong with the morphine. So it was awful to watch her suffer two times at night (it took quite some time for the extra dose of morphine to work). I was with her day and night in the hospital. I am just like you and Stephen here devastated. Like you I miss her in everything. Her voice, her kindness and love, her beautiful kind face and still strong body at 92 years old. I hate that terrible influenza A virus that took her away from us. What a tragic way to have lost your mother due to a fall and so suddenly. Just like you I said to my sister I wanted so much more thing to have said to my mother. But as her full time carer your mother must have known how much you loved her. I know the struggle to get out of bed because then the horrible pain of grieving and missing her starts all over again. Day in and day out. We know that life will never be the same again. I feel lost too without her. Death is just horrible. So cruel. Just like you I most of the time do not feel the purpose of going on living without her. By my sister says we have to. Mom would not have wanted us staying behind devastated. I never knew this pain I feel day in and day out existed (experienced it before with the loss of our dear father 9 years ago). I recognize what you say about the struggle to do the most basic of tasks these days. I have lost 10 kg’s. Starting to eat better since a couple of weeks. Like you mentioned people sometimes say things that do not help at all. My sister bought me a book about the grievingprocess. And that psychologist says I do not talk about grieving process anymore because it is not something that we get over. The grieve and the loss and missing will be there for the rest of our lives, we have to live with it. In 4 months I have not had 15 minutes were I felt a bit better. I can even feel the pain of grieving in my body. Life is hard. I hope you’ll have someone that you can share your pain with and to talk too. I have my sister and I am so grateful for that. And a kind psychologist. I wish you strenght and love. Sometimes it helps a little bit to know we are not alone in our pain and feeling so lost. Take care. And if you want to talk to someone just reply and I will answer your message. Xx Debra from The Netherlands
Dear Sparrow2, What a sad story the way you have lost your mom, 94 and surgery and then the sudden passing, awful. So devastating. I lost my sweet mother 4 months ago due to that awful Influenza A virus and viral pneumonia at age 92. I am in a terrible depression after losing her. My beautiful inside and outside sweetheart. Never seeing her or talking to her again is an unbearable pain to live with day in and day out. So I know what you are feeling, awful. We were so close with our parents, mothers from the day we were born. How do we have to go on after this, I don’t know. My sister says we have to. I am glad when the night falls and I can go to sleep and be without the pain. And when the day comes and the daylight falls in, I think oh no here we go again, all the pain and realization that she is gone forever starts this horrible pain again. Maybe it helps a little bit knowing that you are not alone in this. Reading your stories here made me feel a bit less alone in the pain of losing my sweet mother and the feeling of being so lost. Take good care of yourself. Wishing you strength and love. Debra from The Netherlands
Dear Stephen, I am so sorry for your loss too. How beautiful that you as a son took care of your beloved mother. Most of the time it are the daughters doing this what I know off. I know the pain you are feeling, I am feeling this unbearable pain too after the loss of my sweet mother who was 92 years old. My sister and I took care of her for the last 9 years after our beloved father died unexpected. I recognize what you say about that the grief is getting more worse as weeks pass by I think that when we are out of the first shock of the loss we become more aware of the realization that they are gone forever. My sister and I talked about how horrible death and loss is. Just so cruel. Feeling so close and safe with our parents, mothers from the day we are born and then all of a sudden they are gone and we have this unbearable pain that we can hardly survive and have to try to keep on living day by day, month by month, year by year. Life is hard. It was so recognizable the way you said the you also miss the way your mother called your name. I was thinking about that too today. Knowing that we are not alone in this pain and reading your stories over here made me feel a bit less alone and less lost tonight. And how beautiful what you told us about when you were dressing her and the way you and your mother expressed your love to each other. Take care Stephen. If you want to talk, I will reply. Xx Debra from The Netherlands
Hello Debra65
Firstly, I am sending you my condolences on the passing away of your beloved mum. You and your sister did wonderfully well looking after your mum for 9 years.
As you said, you don’t imagine something like influenza taking your beloved mum after a fall. It is unimaginable. I felt that too. Mam had Alzheimer’s for the last three years and with my support and love and her love for me, she was doing well. I know how Alzheimer’s progresses, but in my head I thought we had a few more wonderful years together.
I never imagined that a blockage in her small bowel would be the cause of her passing away. They tried to clear it twice, but it didn’t work. The consultant would not operate because of her age, Alzheimer’s and he said she was too frail, but she was eight stone. I begged him, but he would not budge so that left mam with palliative care.
I made sure she was back home where she wanted and loved to be. She had her 82nd birthday and Mother’s day at home and passed away 9 days after leaving hospital.
I still get angry thinking about the hospital. I absolutely hate it.
It was 11 weeks this Saturday gone since mam passed away. It seems like 11 years. Like you Debra65, I miss my mam so much. I miss everything about her love and care.
My grief and sadness has become unbearable and it is not improving. The physical impact is terrible. It does help they say to cry, but my digestive system has been upside down for weeks and isn’t improving.
I talk to mam all day long. I have pictures all over the house. I bought two cushion covers and inserts from Amazon and uploaded a picture of mam onto the cover. I have one in her armchair and one on her bed. It is a picture of her in her chair, sat with the clothes on that she loved wearing and smiling the beautiful smile that she always had. It is a large cushion and it does help a little. I still set a place at the dining table for mam.
It was mam’s interment last Wednesday. A very sad day, but now mam’s ashes are with dad’s ashes in a plot and I have had a brand new stone put on. I was up at the cemetery yesterday. It is only 5 minutes away.
As you said, Debra65, please keep in touch. It is good to be able to talk about our beloved mums. God bless and sending you all my kindest thoughts and best wishes. Stephen
Hello Debra65,
Firstly, I am sending you my condolences on the passing away of your beloved mum. You and your sister did wonderfully well looking after your mum for 9 years.
As you said, you don’t imagine something like influenza taking your beloved mum after a fall. It is unimaginable. I felt that too. Mam had Alzheimer’s for the last three years and with my support and love and her love for me, she was doing well. I know how Alzheimer’s progresses, but in my head I thought we had a few more wonderful years together.
I never imagined that a blockage in her small bowel would be the cause of her passing away. They tried to clear it twice, but it didn’t work. The consultant would not operate because of her age, Alzheimer’s and he said she was too frail, but she was eight stone. I begged him, but he would not budge so that left mam with palliative care.
I made sure she was back home where she wanted and loved to be. She had her 82nd birthday and Mother’s day at home and passed away 9 days after leaving hospital.
I still get angry thinking about the hospital. I absolutely hate it.
It was 11 weeks this Saturday gone since mam passed away. It seems like 11 years. Like you Debra65, I miss my mam so much. I miss everything about her love and care.
My grief and sadness has become unbearable and it is not improving. The physical impact is terrible. It does help they say to cry, but my digestive system has been upside down for weeks and isn’t improving.
I talk to mam all day long. I have pictures all over the house. I bought two cushion covers and inserts from Amazon and uploaded a picture of mam onto the cover. I have one in her armchair and one on her bed. It is a picture of her in her chair, sat with the clothes on that she loved wearing and smiling the beautiful smile that she always had. It is a large cushion and it does help a little. I still set a place at the dining table for mam.
It was mam’s interment last Wednesday. A very sad day, but now mam’s ashes are with dad’s ashes in a plot and I have had a brand new stone put on. I was up at the cemetery yesterday. It is only 5 minutes away.
As you said, Debra65, please keep in touch. It is good to be able to talk about our beloved mums. God bless and sending you all my kindest thoughts and best wishes. Stephen
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Hello Debra65
I thought you had just sent a message, but it is from you, but it is just a copy of the last message I sent to you. You might have hit the wrong button. Anyway, hope you are doing as well as can be expected given our sad situation.
All my best wishes Stephen
Hello Stephen,
At first thank you for your very kind reply I appriciate that very much.
Thank you for your compliments about taking care of our beloved mother for 9 years.
Yes that terrible influenza A is very dangerous it caused a viral pneumonia. I was with my dear mother during that hospital stay and things were done wrong like the morphine (done by too young unexperienced doctors, awful). You said a fall but she did not fall before thuis all happened. I filed a complaint. Because there were other things that were going wrong.
I am so sorry for you that you thought you had some years ahead of you with your sweet mother and things turned out differently.
A blockage in her small bowel, what is that blockage then, how does that happen? How sad that the clearing did not work. And that you begged the consultant to operate. I can imagine your terrible disappointment about that. And that you had to accept the palliative care that is so heartbreaking. 82 years old is not that old nowadays I think. I know several people who are in their 90’s or aunts and uncles who were 89. Do you have brothers or sisters? I admire you as a son what you told in your previous letter here the way you washed her and putting her clothes on. I can imagine your unbearable pain too. My sister just called me and we are just like you devastated. Life is so hard and cold after losing our parents.
When did you lose your father if I may ask? We lost our father 9 years ago in a terrible way, he was only in a revalidationcentre with a hernia for 3 weeks. He was supposed to come home we decided the day before with the doctor. Next day they found him unresponsive. They did everything in the hospital later to save him for 5 hours. They found out he had a pneumonia. And did not make it. I found out that the “caretaker” not a nurse reported that she found him twice that night laying in his vomit. She only cleaned the sheets did no bloodpressure, bloodglucose or temperature or saturation. And ley him there for another 7 hours without looking again. I filed a lawsuit and that lasted for 2.5 years (a lot of work, writing letters, etc. etc.). It was awful to lose my beloved father like that. It took me 5 years and 2 psychologists to try and live with the pain. But we had our beloved mother to live for too then. And she was the sweetest soul. She was just like my father my best friend. We could talk about everything. And I loved to hear their stories from their childhood.
I can imagine that you are still angry at the hospital. And that you hate it. You mean it feels like 11 years although it are only 11 weeks because it feels like you have not seen her fors so long. I just said to my sister it has been 17 weeks now, I have never not seen my mother for so long. I am just like you devastated. The pain I feel like you said is unbearable. The only thing is that when I go to sleep at night (with good pills) I am “free” of that horrible pain for about 8 hours. And then when the daylight falls in it all starts over again. I have lost 10 kg’s. Because of the stress and pain. For now I am eating better again.
That was the best thing you could do to take your mom home where she loved to be. I hope the palliative care went well that she did not have to suffer. My sweetest mother got two breakthrough severe shortness of breath that lasted for 20 minutes two times because they did not do the morphine correctly. It was awful to watch and I could only say that I was getting help from the nurse. But fort he extra morphine to work lasted 20 minutes. Although chatgpt says that in about 5 to 10 minutes the brain is getting sedated that she was not experiencing it for those whole 20 minutes. I have to see a psychologist now for EMDR therapy because I had nightmares at home from seeing my sweet mother suffer. Awful.
Heartbreaking to read that you still set the table for your mother. I do not have the energy to make a meal (I eat fruit and bread and cheese, etc. now in this time), this night I thought shall I make a rice and vegetable meal. But I didn’t because it made me cry already sitting at the table alone. Where we used to sit together.
I really hope it helps you a bit all those pictures, photo’s in your house and on the cushions. Sounds like a beautiful photo that on there from your sweet mother smiling. My sister and I cannot look at photo’s from our mom and she was the most beautiful looking woman. An angel. So sweet to everyone always. Very sensitive too just like me. My Iphone sometimes shows a photo unexpectedly and it breaks my heart if I see her face. Knowing that I will never see or hear her again. My sister cannot look at photo’s too.
So the cemetery is nearby your house. Do you feel some “peace” sitting there? It is a place to remember them. I do not believe in a god anymore. So I do not believe in an afterlife. Do you? If there was a god (and I have read somewhere a long time ago, god sees you and knows everything you need), well then I do not understand why my parents could not have been saved from the lunginfections for example and why they had to suffer. And like you and your mom, you were so close and now are devastated of the loss of your mother. Why could god not give you and your mother more time together.
I am looking forward to see your reply when you have the energy, no rushing. I like to keep in touch too, so we can share memories of our sweet mothers and we can help each other a bit in the unbearable pain. Sorry for the late reply, I just thought about it to see if there was a reply.
Do you have familymembers that support you in this terrible pain and the loss? My sister and I are alone in this pain. And we are ok with having each other and thankful for having each other. Nobody is understanding the pain, only people who know what the pain is like and in the first week of two you have some support but after that people are just going on with their lives. I have bought this book from a psychologist who only writes about grieve. And he says grieving is not a process, it never ends, we just have to live with it. I tried to read some pages today. Life is just hard and cruel when we lose our lovedones. My sister said we have the luck to be 63 and 60 so most of our lifetime we have spend with our parents. Now we have to go on living without them. My cousin who lost his father my uncle when he was 60 and my cousin was only 27 at the time he is now 67, I never forgot what he wrote on his dad’s card. When we lose a lovedone part of us dies with them. That is so true.
Stephen I wish you strength and kind thoughts back to you. I know your pain, I feel it myself. And sometimes when I think I cannot go on living without my dearest mother, my sister reminds me we have to, mom did not want us to suffer from grieve and wanted us to go on living. But life is not beautiful anymore without her love and presence.
Till next time. Take care. And best wishes to you too.
Hello Debra65
My condolences on the passing away of your father 9 years ago. It sounds like you all including your dad of course went through such a traumatic time when he passed. Losing our beloved parents is such a massive heartbreaking time and on top of that to have the way that the NHS were so incompetent. My dad passed away 9 years ago too. Blood cancer. He was like mam, a beautiful dad. I couldn’t have wanted a better, more caring dad.
When dad passed away, me and mam had each other to help us with our grieving, as you had with your mum. When mam passed it left just me.
I say that. I have one brother and two nieces. They did not visit mam that often. Me and mam saw her granddaughters about 3 or 4 times a year. They only live a mile away. My brother came about twice a week to visit but he was always scrolling on his phone. I used to say to mam: well mam, you tried to talk to him but it was hard work. I too, hardly see them now.
Like you, I miss my beautiful mam so much. Mam and me have always showed our feelings. Every day we both said to each other how much we loved each other. Mam, when I had finished dressing her, used to lay her lovely little face on my shoulder and say I love you Stephen and I.said I love you too mam.
Mam always used to get hold of my hands and give them a kiss and I kissed hers too. I miss mam calling my name Stephen. I miss her putting her arms around me for a little hug. There is no one to do this now. Of course, I only need and want mam if that was possible.
Please keep in touch and God bless. Sending you all my kindest thoughts and wishes. Stephen