I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly on Christmas Day just gone. I cannot begin to describe the more most pain i have ever felt at losing my best friend, my go to person for just about anything. I will never forget receiving that call Christmas morning saying your mums unresponsive and the paramedics are working on her. My brother and i were too late, by the time we both arrived, she had already gone.
I stood in disbelief looking down at her on the floor not believing she was anything else but asleep.
There followed huge delays between the coroners office and funeral directors meaning we discovered last week that due to the delay on both their parts that i /we were denied the final chance to see her as in their words “she has deteriorated “. Oh, how i wished i had touched her and kissed her cheek one more time, and am now struggling with my feelings of being denied that now.
It’s my mums funeral this coming Thursday and i honestly don’t know how i am going to get through the day, let alone continuing life without her physically here. I look at my phone each day and there are no missed messages or calls, just silence.
I tend to cry in the evenings when I’m alone with my thoughts and I’m sure people think i need to move on, but how do you start to do that when you just want your mum?
No time is a good time to lose your mum or loved one. It Christmas Day just makes it worse somehow and to have such traumatic circumstances I can’t begin to imagine how awful and to have to wait such a long time to say your goodbyes must be unbearable so I am so sorry for your loss.
I keep looking at the last texts between my mum on me literally send a couple of hours before she rapidly deteriorated and passed. I keep reading it…dunno why as the outcome won’t change but I do.
Like you I miss her desperately and just want to phone her and talk rubbish and hear her laugh.
It’s still very new and raw and for me the funeral didn’t have this big closure that some people talk about and I too often just sit at night in tears as just so lonely without her.
I hope you have a good support network round you and accept any help you are offered.
Building a new routine without them is just awful but I believe it does happen eventually so give yourself time to grieve and go at your rate and don’t be made to feel weak or bad that you can’t move on as quickly as some people expect.
Hi Suzanne, thank you for your beautiful kind message. I completely understand and agree with what you say and it really is the realisation of not physically going to see her or just hear her voice that hurts so much.
I do have great support around me but i do feel it’s only my brother who truly feels the same pain for out mum and we are guiding each other along the way.
I have to be strong for her on Thursday, just want her to be proud.
I hope your journey on learning to live without those chats and laughing together becomes more bearable as time goes by. I keep getting told that you will never forget but you do learn to live around it, i hope that is true.
I was reading a book and they had an analogy about how grief becomes ‘bearable’ and it resonated with me (it many or may not with you) but they said grief was like a sunflower in the the black face was the grief and over time the yellow leaves of the ‘new normal’ grow round it and although the grief is always there it becomes more bearable. Mum loved sunflowers so I think that’s why I liked it so much.
Condolences to your brother and family too and hope you can draw the strength to get through Thursday from each other.
Be kind to yourself and always here if you want chat about your mum or just how you’re feeling.