Losing my mum

I lost my mum 3 years ago, suddenly to cancer. She got diagnosed after surgery to deal with a blood clot in her chest, but because of this they couldn’t do a biopsy so gave her anything from 6 months to 10 years to live. Two rounds of chemo and she had a stroke and within an hour she was gone. We’d barely had chance to process the fact that it was terminal this time before she was gone. I’m still struggling to cope with not having her at the other end of the phone or just able to pop round for a coffee. Knowing I’ll never see her again or talk to her is destroying me. Knowing she’ll not see me get married, see my son grow up and now we have a one year old that I just wish she could have met and had a cuddle with. I feel lost without her.

7 Likes

I lost my mum 18 months ago suddenly. She was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder that affected her heart. She had to have chemo and after one round unexpectedly died on the ward. No one was with her. I feel so sad every day, it doesn’t get easier and some ways gets worse. I just try to keep busy and not focus on it too much But the sadness is there so I know how you feel.

4 Likes

My Mum died 1 year ago and I completely understand your feelings. Although she was ill, she still died suddenly and unexpectedly; it is so so hard to come to terms with. We were very close and I hate the thought of carrying on without her and my children growing up without her being able to share in that. The only thing I have found is starting to help is talking about it and allowing space for my grief but it is very painful. I think talking to others going through the same can also be a help because I don’t know about you but it has felt that everyone else moves on, life moves on, yet the pain of not having Mum is still so strong.

3 Likes

Yes exactly that! The amount of times I’ve heard well surely it was expected and it’s like well no because we thought we’d got more time. It is so hard, like even my step father has moved on to the point of its like my mum, me and my sister never existed in his life and it’s just horrible because we are still struggling to come to terms with it. She wasn’t very old either so it feels like she and us were robbed of her time. The thought of your kids living without her as well I find is one of the hardest. My eldest (12) absolutely adored my mum and my youngest will never get to meet her and have her being an amazing nanny to him too and it’s heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you, it really is one of the hardest losses to deal with.

1 Like

Yes it does, I hate when people say it gets easier. It doesn’t, you just try to learn to live with it but it can become so obvious at such random moments. I feel for you. My mum was alone too due to the lockdown situation, no one could be with her and that in itself is so upsetting because you wish you could have been there and feel guilty for not being :disappointed:

2 Likes

Ah everything written here resonates with me. My Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in January. She collapsed and died on her driveway and a neighbour found her the next morning. I’ve suffered such agony knowing she was alone all night. No goodbye, nothing… I still feel the shock of the phone call that told me the news. A post mortem showed that she had undiagnosed metastatic pancreatic cancer, none of us were aware. So then I tortured myself about her last days/weeks/months… Was she in pain? Did she just hide it all from us? Seven months on and I am still trying to adjust to this huge loss. My Mum was always there and now the absence is so vast. Sending love and strength to all…xx

3 Likes

I’m so sorry to hear that, that must have been so traumatic for you. Much love to you

1 Like

I’m so sorry reading all of your messages. I was talking to my counsellor yesterday about the shock. I had been to see my Mum in hospital and we had been chatting as we always did. I was going to visit her the next day and then I found out she had died. I still can’t process that I was going to be seeing her tomorrow and now she was gone. It’s so so hard to process isn’t it? And I don’t really know how I ever will. I just feel I want to keep her memory alive by talking about her and this helps with that. I hate the thought of her drifting away because everyone moves on and I want her to be here, with me. Does that make sense?

4 Likes

Everything said on here resonates with me so much. I lost my dad when I was 13 and then, last month, lost my mum. I’m finding it hard to cope.
She has always been so healthy and never has to go to the doctor etc. End of May, she suddenly lost lots of weight (over course of a week), 3 weeks later diagnosed with terminal cancer, 3 weeks later passed away.
I’d spent Friday night and most of Saturday with her and was going over to stop over with her on the Sunday. She passed away Sunday morning. We thought we’d have at least a few more weeks.

5 Likes

Oh my goodness. Such a hard time for you and so recent. I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been a huge shock. Here for you if you need to vent/be angry/remember your parents or anything else you might be feeling. … and maybe it’s a comfort hearing other peoples’ feelings too. Sending love.

3 Likes

I’m also wondering from your screen name if you are a teacher? I ask because I am and I wonder if you are, how you’re feeling about going back to work in September?

1 Like

Yes, I am. Mum died the weekend we broke up. I’m very stressed out about going back if I’m honest, even though my head has been brilliantly supportive while mum was ill.
I’ve been in this week, just for an hour, but finding it very tough getting any focus. We’re back for teacher days next Thursday/ Friday :sob:

1 Like

It’s so hard when you think you have more time and suddenly it’s snatched away from you. So sorry for your loss. It’s especially hard when you don’t have another parent to turn to as well, i don’t know who my dad is or anything so when I lost my mum, that was it. I was alone on that front. I’m very lucky to have my sister to support me though

1 Like

It’s nice you have your sibling for support. My husband and children (21 and 17) have been amazing but, as an only one, I still feel alone in the grieving process. My husband still has both parents so can only imagine.
I was really close to my mum and we went away together at least once a year.
That’s why I signed up to this - to talk to others who know what it’s like x

5 Likes

Hey, I lost my mum in June and I don’t have any siblings either, and I do think it’s harder and more lonely. I have my dad though. But there is no other family around really, people at the funeral were all old friends of hers who I didn’t really know. It is hard when you feel alone in it.

2 Likes

I was due to visit my Mum the morning after she died. I always messaged her to let her know I was on my way… no response so I rang her landline and it was answered by the ambulance crew and police, who told me what had happened. I often wish I had gone to visit her the day before, but grief makes us think of all the ifs/buts and maybes…
I work as a teacher too. I had 6 weeks off work, which included a week of holidays. There was no way I could have gone back sooner. Even then I found it hard although it did distract me from my grief to a certain extent. It’s a personal thing isn’t it, but teaching takes so much energy and effort that you might not have when grieving. Xx

1 Like

My mum died 2 days after we broke up so I’ve not had any time off, apart froñ to take her to some appointments. I definitely couldn’t have gone in when it happened and I know I’m going to struggle on teacher days next week d

1 Like

I am so sorry for all your losses. I lost my mum in February. She had been in hospital since January with pneumonia. My mum recovered from it and then went on to get salmonella. During her last week in hospital mum got hospital acquired pneumonia and died from this. I feel so lost without her, having moved back home to care for her in the late 90’s. Living with mum for all those years makes it feel hard, as she was part of my everyday life. It was all quite unexpected, although my mum was 96 she had thought many illnesses. We all thought she would get her card from the king. I don’t know if anyone else feels the same but I find it hard to listen or tolerate peoples trivial moans about things they have control over.

For a while I did write in the Sue Ryder journal and that really seemed to help. I have stopped for the time being, but feel that i will resume this. So that I can talk to my mum everyday about how I am feeling.
Please all try to make yourselves a priority with self care.

3 Likes

See how you feel… I found that once I had gone back everyone just expected I would be back to normal. I work with kind and caring colleagues but it’s just human nature for people to make assumptions. There have been a few occasions where I just said it how it is, when asked if I had a good weekend… School life is so full on and absorbing there’s little time to interact properly with people and no one wants an awkward conversation about grief!

1 Like