Losing my mum .

Hello all , this is my first post and im not sure what im even asking to be honest . My lovely mum passed away 5 days ago . She was poorly in hospital but we thought she would beat the illness as she has before but it was too much this time . She was my best friend and with myself and my husband every day , we did everything together and it was just me and her for a long time before that . The end came quickly and i was minutes from being with her . She asked the nurses to call me which they did but they didnt express the seriousness of it or i would have rushed more than i did to be there . I dont think i will ever get over not being with her at the end , my poor mum , i was with her through everything else but missed saying goodbye . Im completely numb at the moment , my heart is aching and i just dont know how to do any of this without her . It just doesnt seem real . She also passed 3 days before her 70th birthday and i couldnt do anything on the day except grieve for her . I dont think this is going to get any easier and i feel like the person i am now is going to be different to the person i was before . How do i go from having her with me everyday , to not having her her at all . Its just too much .

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Hello @Tottie,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Alex

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Oh Tottie, that is such sad news to hear, your Mum being so young and you must be too. It’s so much to take in emotionally at first I think u might still be in shock at this time as I know I was after my mum passed suddenly. There will be so much going on in your mind, but you can be sure your mum knows she has been always loved and will have felt you there with her. Thinking of you and hope you find strength in this next few days and weeks. It is so hard, but we are here for you. Gill xxx

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Im so sorry to hear this. I lost my mum in March and I still can’t believe I won’t see her again. People have been very kind but I struggle with work and trying to carry on as if everything is normal. It seems an impossible burden that doesnt get any lighter just yet. My mum lived with us and her absence is so difficult to bear. I hope in time that it gets easier for us. Your mum will have known that you would be going to be with her. Sometimes people slip away when they choose. Remember all you did for her whilst she was alive. X

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I lost my mum two days ago she was also in hospital and I didn’t make it to her in time.
I feel what you are feeling I have cried constantly and feel extreme guilt for her illness and for her passing without me.
I have no words but please understand that I am right here with you with your grief

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@Tottie hey Tottie, so sorry for ypur loss. I hear everything ypure saying and have felt those same feelings. I’m 18 months on now from my mum passing, I spent the last 4yrs of her life caring for her, the last year was spent in a care home. I did everything for mum and spent most of the time with her. It was so strange not having her around, not saying good morning, not talking her for an ice cream. Life seemed so very different. I spent most of the first year after loaing mum fighting a negligent care home, so my anger and frustration was taken out on them. When I finally got closure with them, I took a breath and felt the loss all over again. I felt I could have done better for mum, she was only 71 and looked after me and my brothers alone after my father died very young. I felt i’d let her down.
Ive managed to keep all the grief wrapped up and never really spoke about it, until I found this group. Reading others experience and also reading the messages of support have really helped. Pouring your heart put to complete strangers is more of a relief than I ever imagined.
You are new to this journey, so please dont be afraid to vent, release emotion or ask for advice, there are wonderful people in here who are more than happy to help x

Ch52 , im so sorry for your loss bless you , the feelings are so hard to try and come to terms with arent they , it feels like a hollow pit of guilt that wont go away , to be able to share with someone who knows exactly what im feeling , makes me feel like im not so alone x

Hi paulk , thank you for your kind words , i too was my mums carer for 15 years , and before that it was the 2 of us looking after each other , we were together everyday , with my husband too .
I feel like theres a huge void where my mum should be and nothing can ever fill it .
Did you feel guilt at the things you didnt do or places you didnt go , im finding small things are knocking me sideways like we were going to take her to the seaside for her 70th birthday but didnt get to go , now i dont think ill be able to go because i feel so guilty not taking her before , or she used to love going to a local garden center for a look round and a coffee and cake , now i cant even think about going there again without her , its small things but i feel so guilty about things i didnt do with her , or things she didnt get to do . Everyone says i should focus on what i did do with her and the places we did go and the close relationship we always had but its so hard to see past the guilt and regrets .
Was that something you have experienced ?

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@Tottie yes it is. Like you and your mum, me and mine would go for breakfast at the local garden centre, or go for a drive to look at charity shops. I had to stop mum driving which really hurt her most, sometimes I wish I had let her drive a little longer. I wish I had visited more in her last year, I wish we’d gone for more cake and tea, or I’d let her have that last cake.
But then I’m glad we had all that time together, I’m glad I got to know her better in her last years and I’m glad I was the last person she recognised.
I still have regrets, but they’re slowly replaced by remembering the wonderfulness of my mum. I hope that happens to you too x