Losing my parents

This year I have lost both my parents.
My dad passed away suddenly in January. We had found out he had cancer in December and after that he declined very rapidly. He was only 64.
My mum had been ill with a rare type of dementia for a few years and had been sectioned for her own safety. My sister and I had to tell her that our dad had passed away and after that she just didn’t want to live any longer. She passed away in March. There is no real reason why she died and before my Dad died she was physically healthy. She was only 61.
I can’t get my head to accept what has happened. It just doesn’t make sense for them both to be gone.
I feel like I have no one to relate to because I am only 28 and I don’t know anyone who has been through something like this and nobody knows what to say to me.
It hurts all the time all day long and I am finding it hard to “choose” who to think about because thinking about one makes me think about the other and then it all gets too much. I feel like I can’t really accept either death because they’ve happened so close to each other.

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Sorry for your losses it’s hard enough with coping with one parent. My husband died 3 months ago I have 2 children 26 and 24 they are struggling but trying to be strong for me . Take care x

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Hi
So sorry to hear you have lost both your parents. I’m also 28 and my dad was diagnosed with cancer in November but we were told it was curable. Unfortunately he got worse and after more tests on 1st January we were told it had spread and he had 4 months to live… Not the best start to the new year! He then declined rapidly and actually only survived until 4th February. It is so hard losing a parent at any age but I definetley think this is one of the worst ages when we have such big milestones around this age like maybe buying a house, getting married and having kids etc I know it’s something I think a lot about what he won’t be here for. I have tried to now shift my focus on to what he was here for instead of what he won’t be here for. I have also started a Facebook group called Future Beyond Grief for 20 to 35 year old who have lost a parent. It doesn’t have any professional support but just allows me to talk to people my age that have gone through a similar thing which I find so helpful. Wish you luck on your journey and I am sure you will come out of this a stronger person xx

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Sorry for your loss I too know how hard it is to become an adult orphan. I am thinking of you and wondering if the book the adult orphan might help you the young woman who wrote it was through a similar but different experience to you. It is totally understandable that no one else you know your age is going through what you are going through. However if you do have any really close friends that you have known a long time then maybe you could speak to their mother or maybe you have an aunt or uncle or sibling that you can share your grief with and let them offer you some support. Am worried about you because what you are going through is horrendous for anyone but especially when you are so young, I truely hope that you have someone in your life that you can go to for support.
Please dont feel guilty for choosing which one to grief over, you will grief over both and it will get mixed up. My mum died a few months ago and my dad a few years both from cancer and i too went through what you are going through I felt guilty as after my mum died I was griefing for my dad because at the time I was being strong for my mum. And because I went through a lot I just wanted my dads strength. I needed him. So I grieved him. I am vunerable and yet I know I haven’t fully grieved for my mum yet. You too are still very raw over both deaths don’t feel guilty just grieve for who you feel like grieving for when you do. I also understand the feeling of it getting too much and I know you need to have some support in your life. Others on here are reccommending cruz bereavement and I am looking into it myself. I have just found out they mainly serve England and Wales rather than Scotland (where I am) but hopefully they can help you. Or if the COVID sit uation is more relaxed where you are you may consider going to your doctor for help. I do hope you have someone in real life who is there for you. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you a virtual hug.

Thank you for your kind words. I have ordered the book today. I had been looking for a book just like that with no luck so thank you for the recommendation.
I have an older sister and I am so grateful for her as it reassures me there is at least one person in my life who really gets it. I try not to put too much on her though. Now that it is less raw I might speak to my doctor and see what help is available.
I’m really sorry that you too have lost your parents. Sending you a hug too. I live in England but my parents were Scottish and I always feel a little connection to them when I speak to someone who is Scottish too. Hope you are taking care of yourself.

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Hope the book helps I only read the online extract someone else on here recommended it and it looked really good to help you with your experiences… I found reading my granny sends her regards and apologies but that doesn’t offer any advice for your situation its a fictional story about a young girls journey her granny sends on after she dies. Each person had a letter for her. The other book will be better for your situation. Glad you have your sister. Dont worry about putting so much on her it helps you both to share your grief. Just make sure she knows that she doesn’t have to be strong for you and that you are her shoulder too. Tell her how you feel that you are worried that you are putting too much on her and ask her to let you know if she is finding it too much that day and remind her that it works the other way and sometimes you can be strong for her. Having good people there for you makes all the difference and will make your bond stronger. Also you will see as time goes on that part of your mum and dad still exist in you and your sister. You will do or say something and the other will suddenly go “that is so like mum or so like dad” or " mum or dad used to say that" and you both smile a little and it will give both a little comfort that a piece of each goes on.
My mum was born in watford to a mother from glasgow and a father who was a geordie. But she married a Scot. So like you I am a bit of each. Take everything a day at a time and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Know that the hardest times will be anniversary’s but you can make them a little easier by making sure that you have a holiday from work that day and making a plan to either do something in memory or to celebrate your parents life or to just have a duvet day with your sister. By not trying to push yourself into doing normal things that day and knowing in advance that it will be hard preperation will make it easier even in a werid way it may be something to look forward to. Sounds strange I know but I have experienced both trying to work on day that was significant and making a plan and also following other peoples wishes and plans. Somethings make it easier to bear and other things make it more difficult. Another thing which will affect you more than anyone is milestones, things you do in life that you wish your family was there for you for. These are really hard and both you and your sister will experience them especially because you are so young (ie you have more milestones to go) but at least you have your sister for this. I hope that you do have other people too. Maybe your mum or dad had a best friend that would really appreciate a visit and you can offer each other suppport and share some memories. My mum has one that invited me over as soon as the COVID is over she is a really nice lady and her and her husband knew my mum and dad for a long time so I promised to go see her but it will be nice for them to share some memories with me. Maybe you have someone in your life like that. Also if your doc suggests tablets at any time try the herbal ones first (hops lavender and Valerian in any supermarket and not addictive), a better doc will suggest support groups and counselling services. Sometimes you have to tell them what you need. Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug.

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