Five weeks ago, my partner died.
He had a massive heart attack and couldn’t be saved - even though the paramedics were already there.
I keep seeing him die, over and over in my head.
I keep hearing the noises, as they tried to resuscitate him.
He was 52 - I’m 10 years older - I was supposed to go first.
I’m so angry at him for leaving me, and desperately sad because he’s gone.
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I am so sorry for your loss Winniecat. I lost my wife five weeks ago this coming Monday in similar circumstances.
She had a blood clot and collapsed fifteen minutes after she had been sitting at the kitchen table chatting about the day ahead. The paramedics couldn’t save her and she died in the ambulance.
I too keep seeing her dying over and over in my head. She was 57. Although I am only a year older I always expected to die first. I keep asking my wife why she had to leave me and repeatedly going over what happened.
I am absolutely heartbroken that she has gone and can’t bear being without her.
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I lost my husband on Monday. I’ve never felt such pain. I’m broken. Sending big hugs x
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Its 5 weeks since I lost my husband to sepsis. I couldn’t/can’t understand how anyone can get poorly and die in 24 hours. I replay each and everyone of those hours in my head. You are not alone. We maybe healthy but we have all suffered a major trauma which is going to take time to heal.
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Winnie and Dave, 6 weeks for me. I found my husband dead on our bedroom floor. It is an image I do not want to have in my head. I can not imagine the horrific scene you witnessed and the sheer panic and terror you must have felt. I am so sorry.
Get your favorite photo of him/her when he/she was healthy and happy and stick that image in your mind. One that makes you smile - even through tears. When the ugly one pops up, switch to the sweet one. Well, that is how I do it.
My husband died of an inoperable aneurysm. We knew for 3 years it would take his life one day. It’s still Earth shattering. I hurt for you and am heartbroken for the trauma you have suffered.
Much love.
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How dreadful. I am so sorry.
Hugs,
I’m so sorry for ur loss, heartbroken for you. My hubby was 58 I’m 50 and thought of living without him hurts so bad xx
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That’s the thing that hurts me and scares me the most, Caroline. I just can’t bear the thought of my wife never coming back. We were looking forward to a future when we could do things we never had the chance to do while we were busy working. That was snatched away in a flash.
One thing that helped me during the early days after my wife died was to talk about her. It hurt really badly doing it but afterwards I felt as though talking about her kept her here in a way. I know that won’t necessarily help everyone and I might eventually start to bore people by doing it but I never want people to forget how amazingly kind, caring and truly wonderful she really was.
I told her she was amazing over and over again but she just used to laugh it off. Everyone who met her loved her, you couldn’t help it.
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Thanks PeachesDixon. The sight of my wife dying on the bedroom floor is haunting me and will do for the rest of my life but that’s a good idea of trying to replace it with a photo from the good times.
i am so sorry for what you went through and are still going through. Horrific is the only way to describe it. I have never panicked so much in my entire life. It was blind terror.
Sending you lots of love and big hugs. xx
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11 wks tomorrow we lost my darling husband and life partner. Together 38 years, he was only just 59. Diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer July 1st, died Aug. Keeping (too) busy with admin, walking and yoga and being present in every way I can for our two young adult children. I feel so sad all the time & afraid for the future without him. . 
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Big big hugs, I need to find something to keep me busy, I just cry I know it’s only been few days but I’m struggling x. U are doing amazing x
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She sounds amazing ur soul mate. I love talking about my darling hubby he was and still is my everything… 
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Please keep talking about your husband, Caroline. I would love to know more about him if you are happy to share. I find keeping myself busy helps to distract me slightly for a short while but the next breakdown is never far away. It does help though.
I do find talking about my wife helps me. It’s upsetting when I start but it helps me to remember the good times and block out the bad memories of the day she died.
She really was loved by everyone who met her. We volunteered at our local football club with my wife doing half-time hospitality for visiting directors and officials and also the players’ food after the game.
At the first game after she died, the club held a minute’s silence before the game, the players wore black arm bands, they put a photo of her on the front of the programme and the club flag was at half mast. They then had an evening’s entertainment in the club bar which they dedicated to her. It was hard to be there but it was a great comfort to see the outpouring of love for her. She was loved that much that there was another minute’s silence at the next away game.
Sorry to go on but I was and always will be so proud of her. She really was amazing. I kept telling her that but she didn’t see it. She was just being herself.
Keep doing what you are doing Caroline and look after yourself. You are doing amazingly well just by being here. Everyone on here is so lovely and we are all here for each other.
Sending you hugs.
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U can tell how much u love her, it shines through whilst u write about her.
My hubby was the most loving, caring, old soul… My bestfriend, soul mate, partner in crime and warrior. He was a corgi plumber and builder put his hand to anything, built all our furniture inside house and garden. He was a hard working man worked 7 days a week. Very proud, private soul. He came down with tonsil cancer last November, had operation, then had all teeth removed for treatment beginning of January. Then went straight into tpf chemo but cut it short by a week as it nearly killed him. Followed by 30days radiotherapy. Then recovery for 3 months. Pets an showed he had no sign of cancer which we was over moon with. But sadly spread to spine and pelvic was told 9 to 12 months. Week after he had a spinal compression which resulted in spinal surgery. Which popped due to a really bad infection and spin bone poked through. Straight in for emergency op next day. 2 weeks after he had 10 days of radiotherapy during this time pain was horrendous was falling and having to use wheelchair. Week later I ring ambulance he in horrendous pain couldn’t move back. Took him to local hospital. He was moving his legs fine. They would not do mri for 4 days which by that time he was paralysed, then sent to velindra then straight to a local hospice where he passed away on Monday. He is the most amazing warrior my hero, dad and grandad who will always be in our hearts and conversations and our lives daily. He was amazing… Aged 58. Totally fit till last November. Xx
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Oh Caroline, that is horrific. What an absolute trauma you both went through. My heart goes out to you. The pain and suffering must have been unbearable for both of you.
That must have been so hard to tell the story of what happened to your husband. It was hard enough to read it but thank you for doing it.
You clearly loved your husband so much and still do. He sounds like an amazing man who was very talented with a great skill. To be fit and healthy and then suddenly go through all that is absolutely horrendous. I’m struggling to find the words.
You were by his side throughout his ordeal with tremendous courage and bravery which shows how strong a person you really are. You were there for him when he needed you most and you must take great solace from that.
Thank you again for saying what happened. It’s good that you can talk about him and that you are keeping his memory alive. He will always be with you and will be a part of you forever.
Sending you a big hug. Xx
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Caroline, that was a nightmarish ordeal for you and your darling husband. You must be drained. I am so sorry.
Much love.
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So very sorry.
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in March. I believe it was practically instantly as he sat beside me. He could not be resuscitated, the paramedics tried everything as I watched.
I still see it in my mind but not as often.
I think it is the trauma we experienced at the time plus our mind trying to make sense of what our heart cannot and will not accept that causes these flashbacks.
My husband was a lovely, gentle, kind, modest man. He was my world, my everything.
We were together for practically 50 years…
He was, we thought, a fit man,
Sending love and hugs to all of you xx
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I am so sorry to read about all of your terrible experiences and that most of you have lost your beloved spouses/partners while they were far too young to die…only in their 50’s. My husband had just turned 70, when he suddenly died from a heart attack, in bed next to me, 6 months ago. Even that age, to me seems too young because he was so fit and active but I realise, now, that I am very blessed that he did reach 70. My heart and prayers go out to all of you. This is such a hard road to travel.
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Thank you Lydia. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. That must have been a terrible shock.
The loss of a loved one is horrendous at any age and just as painful. I take comfort from the fact that we met when we were seventeen so we did have forty years together but we could have possibly had another twenty.
My wife was too young to die. She should still be here enjoying life. It is so cruel.
My thoughts are with you and sending you a hug.
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hello @Winniecat
Just read your post and feel for you as I lost my fiancé within two weeks of knowing he was ill. he was 48
Like you I was both angry and sad and felt conflicted by these two very different emotions. I went through a phase of shouting as his picture “why did you leave me”. I knew anger is part of the grieving process but it to shocked me how angry I was. Then I felt guilty that I had shouted. the rawness does mellow over time.
take care x
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