Losing my partner of 20 years suddemly

I lost my partner mark on March 17th 2017 he was 42 he hadn’t been poorly but on the Tuesday morning he woke up with a real bad headache and could hardly walk I got him a Dr’s appointment for that morning then I went to work .whilst I was at work I got a call to go home quick cos mark had collapsed in the spare bedroom as I got home I saw the ambulance was there I was in total shock when I saw him in the bedroom he was very agitated and confused he was rushed to hospital where he was put on intensive care ward after having a ct scan later that night he stopped breathing and have to be resuscitated we found out that he had bacterial meningitis caused by an ear infection he had the Dr’s kept saying they were gonna try wake him up but on the Thursday they said they were not gonna till early the next week on Friday the 17th I was at the hospital with marks dad where they told us that he would not survive due to the swelling on his brain I was in total disbelief we turned his machine off later that night and now 5 weeks on I’m at a total loss I feel so lonely I cry every night I find it hard to talk to anyone and I blame myself for him dying I should never have left him to go to work and all I keep thinking of is him and how I let him down I knew he had an ear infection but he wouldn’t go to the Dr’s I tried so many times to get him to go but he always said he was fine I just feel I can’t cope without him and can’t imagine my life without him

HI LinseyMark im very sorry for your loss .My wife also died of bacterial meningitis she was 41 (im 57 ) we were married for 15 years.Your nightmare is very raw and the blaming yourself will go when it goes (i did the same at the begining ).My advikce is this go to your gp re medication to help (i did ) also you can definitely talk on here .Some say they ramble on i say it just part of disbelief of whats happened give yourself some me time your brain and heart need a rest because unfortunately your nightmare will patiently wait until you return to reality .Others and I dont mind private message (ive pmed people without it being offered.This special wonderful club has various free entrance fees 1 being death of a loved 1.Dont be too hard on yourself because theres . no rules for your nightmare .Iver been where you are now cant live without him (Denise dkied 04032016 on her birthday ).It gets easier when it does theres no time limit .Also your gp can get you on a cruse bereavement waiting list (mine was 6 months and i find it wonderful).Dont be a stranger im sure youll get more replies (and my offer of pm is open 24 7 to you and all on here ).Colin

Thankyou Colin
It is so hard to think about anything else other than mark at the moment I am struggling with it thanks for your advice too

LinseyMark - I’m so sorry to read about your devastating loss and distress. I imagine you are in such a state of shock and disbelief trying to reconcile what has happened in such a short space of time. Several people have likened bereavement, especially unexpected grief to PTSD, and I think this is so true. All you can hope for is to get through each day in one piece,. It’s impossible not to dwell on things and imagine different outcomes I know. We can’t help it. Rely on those wanting to help or be alone if it’s easier. Like Colin says, many of us don’t mind private messages. I lost my Husband 6 months ago as a result of a heart issue and the passage of time brings different challenges. People on here are kind-hearted and will listen when we need to talk. Take care of yourself.

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I’m sorry sorry for you. My husband was also 42, he died suddenly of a heart attack on our family holiday in Spain.
What I learned was that there are no rules as to what you should do or feel.
It’s still extremely raw and shocking for you ATM . I felt the worst thing was that I didn’t have my husband, the one I needed the most, to comfort me and I couldn’t talk to him about what happened. It was excruciating. Nothing will really help ATM . You’ll just keep functioning like an out of body experience.
I personally didn’t take medication as I’d heard it can hinder the natural grief process, but just do what you feel you need to do. Each hour and each day is different as it’s a whole new world.
Take care

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Thankyou for replying Bronagh
I haven’t seen my gp cos when I first saw them they wouldn’t give me anything anyway they said I need to heal
I hear a lot of people say that it gets easier but I don’t see how it can
My worse fear now is being alone I’m 36 years old and feel like my life is over me and mark had no children either so I’m at a complete and utter loss
People also say that you have to move on with your life but how??
Iv just sold his beloved car which was heartbreaking to do but I can’t drive so it was pointless me keeping it
Iv read a few posts on here saying they packed all there loved ones belongings away and that they can’t bear to look at photos of there loved ones but I find photos a comfort and just seeing my Mark’s smiling face yes it makes me sad but happy as well that he was with me and that’s what made him happy

I also find it hard going out anywhere it’s like I get all anxious and scared at the thought of going out I have only been out of the house 3 times in the last 6 weeks I don’t do anything in the house just sit there and stare into space often crying

Hi LynseyMark I went through a very similar experience 4 years ago. It might help to talk to your doctor .Mine told me that this guilt is a very common symptom of the trauma of sudden death . I know these feelings are very real but I also know now that our family members have infections and little feelings of sickness all the time and you did what we would all have done . I Dont know if it helps but it helps me to think that one of the reasons you hurt so much is because you loved and were loved so much . it will get better.