Losing my partner

I lost my partner of 17 years in January of this year. Even though i knew she didn’t have long i wasn’t prepared for how i felt when she passed away. Like most men, i grew up learning how to suppress my emotions. I think that’s unhealthy. I completely fell apart and still have days where i find it difficult to function.
My close friends have been very supportive but when i need to get something of my chest it’s usually the early hours of the morning. My partner encouraged me to be strong as she was decining and i hope I’m living up to her expectations. Not easy though.
I have been offered counselling by both my workplace and Sue Ryder but i don’t feel ready yet to take up that offer.
The one thing i can’t get round is laughing at a joke because I feel guilty for doing so.
I find at the moment that music is very good therapy. My partner, like me, had a passion for music.
Like most people on here I have good days and not so good days. I hope to be able to join in the chats.
In the meantime I wish you all well


After 16 years 3 months together, I too lost my partner in January, mine was sudden and respected, he was 49.

My partner wouldn’t want me to be miserable either and I do now have better days, some good. I still have days where I am completely consumed in grief but these are not often.

What you feel is normal and what you’ve said, I could have written myself but I feel i have to move forward. I could potentially live another 40 years and that’s a long time to be miserable.

Whatever lies ahead I will take it a day at a time but ultimately I want to see myself happy, laughing and enjoying a life that my partner didn’t have the opportunity to do.


@SeanM please do join in the chats. We are all here for each other on this site
I lost my partner unexpectedly in January so similar timeline to you.
It really is a rollercoaster of emotions. I would take it as a positive that you are able to laugh at a joke. Don’t feel guilty it doesn’t mean you love or miss your partner any less, it just means at that moment there is a glimmer of happiness.
It’s also lovely you are able to continue to listen to music. That’s the one thing I struggle with. We both love music and going to gigs but I find listening to any music now brings me to tears.
Like you I have good and bad days, but the fact some days are a bit better I also take as a positive. I did have counselling in the early days. It did help in stopping me thinking too far ahead. I find I have to live in the moment as thinking about the future is too painful. I plan to have more at the end of the year when I have a few firsts coming up.
Take care


Exact same feelings here too. I lost my husband very suddenly 3 years ago and it still feels like it was just 3 minutes ago. I am devastated without him. I miss him and everything about him constantly but the to stay positive as I am lucky enough to have family and a nice home, but it’s hard as I just miss everything about him.
Nice to read these similar messages :two_hearts:


Thank you for the kind replies.
In the first few weeks after Karen passed away i had people falling over themselves with sympathy. It’s very easy to say sorry if you’ve not had it happen to you. There are two good friends who have both lost partners and they are very supportive. They have told me they understand perfectly what I’m going through but have also said everybody’s experience is different.
I try to explain to friends how i feel but it doesn’t compare to any other loss.
Also, some people are wary of approaching
me because of how I might react. My response to that is yes, I’ve changed, but I’m still me. Don’t treat me any differently than before. I know people mean well but I don’t need handling with kid gloves.
Don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but I sometimes wake up to the sound of my name being called.
I welcome the replies on here because I have something I can relate to.
Take care

I have one good friend who lost her husband , who was my partners best friend. Apart from her, no one gets it
People do look at me differently, they look at me sympathetically and I, like you, don’t want to be treated differently or over protected, as i would prefer to be treated normally.

Yes we all have very different experiences as we all had different relationships so we miss different things but the grief, I think, is the same as there seems to be a pattern. How long people stay in the different phases is different too, depending on what their experiences are.

I haven’t heard my name but I have definitely had some experiences that I can’t explain and I’ll take them as him.

Some say hearing your name being called is them letting you know they are there and they see you. I would like to think so.

This is slightly off topic but I can draw comparisons.
My best friend died from breast cancer in May 21. Her husband completely fell apart and I didn’t know what to say to him. I get on well with him but we don’t always see eye to eye bc he’s very religious and I’m not.
However, when Karen passed away he was one of the first to contact me. As a result, we speak to each other every few weeks. When I last spoke to him he said the pain doesn’t go away, we just learn to manage it.
He did say that she and Karen are looking down on us having a good laugh at our expense.
Whenever I see him and notice that he is still struggling I wonder if this is what I have to look forward to

@SeanM that’s wonderful that he reached out and that you have people who truly understand what you are going through. Our friend had a brain tumour.

Please remember everyone’s grief is different, we are different. Our friend is less positive from me, sometimes I feel I’m doing too well and have I really accepted everything. But I am a positive person and Rich would not want me to be miserable. He was a glass full kind of guy and if rolls were reversed he would be living his life and he would expect me to live mine.

@SeanM It’s great that your best friend’s husband reached out to you. He will understand the grief of losing a partner but his grief will not be the same as yours. So just because he is still struggling a couple of years on doesn’t mean you will be.
My cousins lost his wife 7 years ago to a brain haemorrhage. I went to his wedding on Tuesday. He certainly hasn’t forgotten his first wife, and will often mention her in conversation, but has found happiness with someone else. I use him as an example of how we can learn to live with grief.

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