I wanted to find somewhere I could chat to other people who have lost their partner. Now I’m here its hard to find what I wanted to say, yet I feel I have something to say, but not sure what.
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Hi dogstar, my wife died on Christmas day after two years of cancer treatments. We had been together for forty years. She was everything to me. What about you?
All the best
Tom
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Hi Tom,
My wife was diagnosed with cancer two days before Christmas and was told New Years Eve that it was terminal. 20 days later, on her birthday she was gone.
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Hello Dogstar, so sorry for the loss of your wife , I know how painful it is to lose your spouse, i lost my husband in March, …it has been very hard on me and my family, we were married for 35 years 
its hard to live my life without him, so use to having my best friend, my soul mate with me all the time, now hes gone, it will be hard trying to go forward with my life without him, . This site has helped me a lot to pour out my feelings, which I think is so important. to be able to do that with people who know what you’re going through . Please take care and may God bless you 
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Hi dogstar,
Hi dogstar, I had plenty of time with my wife before she died to come to terms with the situation but when she died the pain was unbearable it was as if I was being ripped apart. I have never experienced anything like it and I never realised what other people in this situation were going through.I hope you find some solace here on this site where all of us understand what you are feeling and going through
Wishing you all the best
Tom
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Hi Tom,
Yes, the pain of having the love of your life cruelly taken from you is excruciating, and pure torture.
I, too, was not prepared for this level of physical pain and mental anguish and torment.
Sadly from the start, I have had very little support, that would have helped ease the heavy burden I carry around with me.
So in the early days, (first 2 months) I would wonder around dazed and startled, and in a very deep state of shock and panic, like a lost and tormented soul.
I want to cry when I remember trying to engage with total strangers in the supermarket, just for some human interaction, and desperately needing to tell them my story about what I had lost, before bursting into tears.
I would wonder into community churches, I had never been to before, looking for emotional comfort and support, only to be met by food bank volunteers at the door, disinterested in the hell that I was rrsiding in.
My local library, the same, just an empty building run by a couple of volunteers.
I looked around at my familiar surroundings, only to not recognise what I was looking at, because everything looked so alien and different through the lens of my grief.
I remember feeling so alone, desolate and abandoned, like a lost soul, filled with panic, anxiety and despair.
It was harrowing, really harrowing, and I honestly don’t know how I got through that time, which was a living hell.
I didn’t eat anything for the first 2 weeks and forced myself to drink water, in order to stay alive.
Grief has planted a knot in my stomach that never goes away and I constantly feel nauseous.
I didn’t know which way to turn, or what to do.
There was no one who cared enough or who I could rely on or trust.
Every morning I would wake up very suddenly at the crack of dawn, in a state of pure panic and disbelief, gasping for air and struggling to breathe.
It was unbearable and I was exhausted, I still am.
My lovely, strong, fit and healthy Michael was gone forever… how could that be true… it couldn’t be true!
There’s no way that could have happened to us… not in a million years.
The sad thing is, the 1 year anniversary is fast approaching and nothing much has changed, really.
I don’t see a future, and I feel the same level of grief and hopelessness that I felt then.
The only difference is that I am slowly realising these things:
• Michael and I, were each other’s world
• Michael fought like a lion to stay with me, but, sadly, he’s not coming back, despite the fact that I still look for him everywhere
• the wonderful and blissful life we had is gone
• the amazing future we envisaged will never be
• the carefree happiness and joy that ruled my life, is gone forever
• Michael will always be 58, he will never grow old, and I will never get to see that
• I thought the world would stop spinning, when my darling Michael took his last breath, but it didn’t
• so enormous was my loss, that I thought an army would come in and rescue me, but that didn’t happen
• this is my day to day “existence” now… sad, lonely, isolated, uncertain and scary
• people have shown me their true colours, and I must believe them
• the people I thought I could depend on, have turned their backs on me
• people are full of “fakery” and bullshit, and too easily forget the kindness and help given to them by us
• everything we worked so very hard for, will never be enjoyed
• the sacrifices we made today, for a better tomorrow, were in fact pointless
• the future really scares and overwhelms me
• I miss my darling Michael desperately, every second of every day, with every fibre of my being, and that will never change
• my biggest realisation is that, I died too, that day in June 2025, two souls were taken that day, not one.
This is my reality.
Eve x
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Dear Eve, I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I can feel the desolation fooding through your words and it breaks my heart to hear your pain.
I found the first couple of months to be the my lowest point on this earth and thank God it has been lifting gradually over the months that have past but I take a different view to you. I know what this world is like from my cousin dying at seven from cancer to working at cancer UK at sixteen and seeing children with no future. I know I have been blessed. When I saw this little bit of heaven on earth at eighteen I held on to it until now. I was privileged to have had so much love. I’m sure my wife is in heaven as where else could she be. I feel now it’s my obligation to give back a little of the love I have been blessed with. I don’t know how yet but I hope I can make my wife proud of me and deserve a place in heaven with her.
I hope you find some peace soon and people to give you the support and comfort you need
Wishing you all the best
Tom
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@dogstar
Welcome to this community. This is a wonderful place to share your concerns with people who really understand what bereavement means.
I was sorry to read how quickly tragedy came into your life. I lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack just before Christmas 2024, we had been married 48 years. It’s early days for you but, even after nearly 18 months, I’m still trying to work out what happened and what life means now.
How we deal with this situation will always be uniquely individual, but remember there are thousands like us and on this website you are never alone.
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Dear Eve,
I do feel the utter sadness, the despair, your broken heart and your infinitely strong love for your Michael.
Grief is an extremely hard struggle.
Things will improve over time, but that improvement is very slow and there will be setbacks for sure.
Michael is looking out for you from Heaven and he‘s patiently waiting for your reunion in Heaven, which will be for eternity!
May God bless and comfort you!
Kind regards - Joe
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Hi Eve
One can never feel someone else’s pain like one’s own. Its been 136 days since Mary died and some of the things you say do resonate with me.
The song lyrics by Robbie Williams “Feel” hold some of my trapped emotions inparticular the line “I don’t want to die but I aint keen on living either.”
I have a burning rage inside and I feel so angry with what I don’t know.
I have two stepdaughters who have been wonderful to me and of course, I have to support them after all they have lost their mum as well.
For me i worked in Bereavement for 42 years and I can tell you every next word that’s going to come out of the mouths of people who are there and want to help you. Yes, we need those people, they have helped many people however, it doesn’t work for me.
I have lost purpose, even though I have family who need me
I have lost purpose, even though I have some work that needs me
I lost purpose with our home because it was “ours” that we built together
I wish that I could be like our English Springer Spaniel and that is -
Live for the Moment Now and treat everything like a celebration
My wife Mary had a defective gene and we knew that one day cancer would catch her in the end. Mary was a fighter and fought it in 1992 then again in 2008 with bowel cancer against all the odds. In 2024/25 had some nasty skin cancers. 2025 Mary had a string of UTI’s that ended with being told two days before Christmas that she had bladder cancer, then New Year’s Eve told sorry there is nothing we can do and sent her home. 20 days later on her birthday Mary died at home with her family around her.
Mary was my best Friend, my Lover, my Wife and my Soul Mate.
To me Mary was the only person in the room.
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And I’m sorry for yours to.
I think I’m running on auto pilot.
I find when I go out now on my own I tend not to pop into a caffa for a coffee on my own, no hand to hold when walking down the high street, coming home to an empty house, sharing our point of view on the in’s and out’s of life.
The other day I found my self making two cups of tea and the realisation I was doing that hit me hard.
We done almost everything together and I’m so glad that Mary was part of my life, she was my rock, my best friend, my lover, my wife and soulmate.
No ones pain is as harsh as your own, I hope you find peace on your journey.
Best wishes Steve
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Hello dogstar, everything you said is right. My husband was also all of those things for me. Its hard living without your person. I still place a coffee cup on the table for my husband. 
, I still send him messages to his phone…its just comforting for me. I just miss my precious husband, I’ll love him forever. 
take care and may God bless you
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My heart cries for everyone here. It’s touching my soul deeply and it reminds me of me when I got a phone call on the street and my whole world stopped completely. I can’t describe the pain, because it’s so horrific that there are no words for it. Since then I hate the place every time I go around and I do go often, because it’s close to one of the stores I buy groceries in. I try to think positively and avoid thoughts when I walk around the tree, but it depends on a day or mood I’m having at the moment. We are all here listening…
Hugs from Janka
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When I’m coming to my church and I stop by anytime throughout a week, I’m going there to find a relief and put together my strength for going on. What’s causing me a horrible upsetting is that even in there I must look at the couples holding hands and kissing, This is really terrible to watch, especially when there’s no place to hide…
Janka
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Hello Janka, I know what you mean, im watching this movie on TV some romantic comedy, and they go in for a kiss, and I think, im not gonna get to kiss my hubby ever again. 
, everything is a trigger. 
God bless you
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I want to go to church and just sit there, with my thoughts and tears
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Dear Lucy,
that’s why I find a comfort with going there throughout a week when nobody walks in… This is so strange, because in Europe you can enter a church whenever you wish and there is always someone inside to sit and pray…
Janka
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That sounds great, the catholic church here is beautiful, but im not sure if its open during the week, i want to find out, i need it. I go to church every Sunday, my brother is pastor, and I appreciate him , love him, but I just want to sit alone, no mass going on, just sit there, in the catholic church. 
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Look at their website! Mine is open from Monday to Thursday after a morning Mass at 8 am and they close at 3:30 pm.
Janka