Losing my Wife.

We lost my wife Tanya 3 weeks ago with Metastatic Breast cancer that had spread to the bones.
We have a 13 year old Daughter that I have to bring up that will be incredibly hard but I hope I can do her proud.
Tanya was diagnosed just over a year ago & things were going well until the 3rd Scan when they said Cancer had got more aggressive and spread to the liver.
She had blood transfusion but that did not help.
She had been going back & forward to Doc with pain in the legs shoulder but gp never took her seriously.

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Hello Geoffs, I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife. Welcome to the site none of us want to be on. There are many on here who will relate closely to the trauma you experienced. If you keep posting you will get advice from understanding people and hopefully find some comfort from visiting this site.

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Geoff s Sorry to hear about your wife it’s a long hard road I hope you and your daughter will cope together at this sad time xx

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Thank you my wife Tanya passed away on the Monday at a hospice.
I got her home for 3 days before I had to put her into hospice & she died about 5 hours after going there.
When she was home I managed to nurse her 24 hrs a day but I could not get any medication into her.
I do feel really guilty about putting her into a hospice but I was scared as was worried she was in pain.
12 hours later my Dad passed away so absolutely heartbreaking.

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It’s absolutely heartbreaking to lose your wife and to also lose your Dad at the same time is absolutely devastating. I hope you and your daughter have support from family and friends. If not you may want to seek out help from elsewhere as you are obviously going through a tough time.
Your guilt is quite normal for most people at times like this but you were only doing what you felt was best for your loved one.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.

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Dear Geoffs,
Your post is indeed absolutely heartbreaking.
Too much to contend with on your own. I am so sorry about what has happened to your family.
Given that you have already been referred to the hospice, albeit briefly, they would be your first port of call for assistance as they have a multitude of family support services. If they are not aware that your father has died within hours of your wife then perhaps someone can let them know on your behalf. As you also have a 13 year old daughter who has suffered a double loss I imagine you would be prioritized for help. All hospices offer counselling to anyone who has been bereaved and there is generally a waiting list but in your case there might be an exception to the wait. They also offer other therapies which might be of help to you and your daughter.
Hopefully a friend or your doctor can help you find the support you most definitely need. I do hope so. Thinking of you.

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Thank you very much for that.
My Daughter has been getting Counselling from School ever since Tanya was diagnosed & I have been having Counselling from Oakhaven hospice which I allways felt guilty about as it was Tanya that had Cancer.
So my Counselling will start again on Friday.
Thank you again for the kind words.

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Don’t feel guilty for one moment. It is the holistic approach and ethos of hospices which make them special and invaluable places. We all wish there was no need for them. just like this site which none of us ever imagined joining but now rely on for support. I hope the counselling helps you and your daughter. Look after yourselves as best you can, easier said than done I know. X

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I am thinking of you. My mum had exactly the same disease and she went through a lot just to get diagnosed too. And she also had problems with GP. Hospital were great though. It must have been a very tramatic time for you, your wife and your daughter. You have all been very brave.
I am sure that you will do her proud. Just keep the memory of her mum alive for her and maybe put some things aside to use as keepsakes to give her at appropriate moments. Maybe a nice piece of her mums jewellry on her 16th saying things like your mum would have wanted you to have this now and if you can tell her stuff about her mum when she was young. Maybe get a nice picture of her mum and put it beside her bed. That is if she wants. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs you. Also if your wife had a very close friend or if you or your wife had a sister maybe you could talk to them to see if one of them would like to talk to your daughter about womans things as the need arises. Also if you feel you need a womans advise about things about your daughter there are many women on here who are mothers and will only be too glad to help you out if you need advice. There is also support groups for single dad/widowers in your situation now. So they will be able to offer you support and help once the COVID is over. Just now it is just internet stuff. Take care of yourseslf and I hope that you have some supportive friends and family in Real life to help you get through this. In the meantime there are always people on here willing to lend an ear and give a little advice and support no matter how you are feeling. Take care

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Just saw the message you left about the hospice. I have just found out many hospices do conselling for relatives of the people that they cared for so do get in touch with them as they maybe able to still offer you and your daughter some much needed support. Your daughter maybe able to tell a counsellor emotional stuff she wouldn’t tell you incase she thinks she needs to be strong for you. Everyone is different. Dont feel guilty about the hospice they are really wonderful places in that the people who work there tend to be very caring people because it is more than just a job to them. It was what you and your wife needed at the time. So sorry that your father died at the same time you have been going through the wringer, my heart goes out to you. As a side bar on a practical note I know we don’t like to think of money at a time like this as we would rather have the person but if you have had to pay for two funerals plus with COVID and furloughs it may be a difficult time for you. So just to let you know the government does a beravement payment for spouses only. When my dad died 6 years ago I arranged for it for my mum and they gave her £2000 which helped with bills as my dad was the main breadwinner. I think they have a different system now but they do still do it. I know you don’t want to think like that just now but sometimes you have to and you are entitled to it but you need to apply for it. Take care.

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Thank you very much it is really nice to see the messages of support.
Thank from the bottom of my broken heart.

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After losing my Darling wife I made all the arangments for funeral which was heartbreaking I dealt with everything & I saw a personalised casket which I could have special photos on.
I ordered everything I kept asking when will Tanya’s casket for her ashes be there I must have spoke to them over 5 times & asked where it was.
They assured me every thing was sorted I rang them again last Wednesday & they said they had not ordered it & it will take a week to 10 days to get here absolutely heartbreaking as I trusted funeral directors.

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My heart goes out to you. With the Covid 19 I had to wait 6 weeks for my husbands funeral allowing only 6. Like you waiting for his ashes was over 10 days. Hope it’s all sorted soon it’s heartbreaking enough.

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Dear Geoffs,
So sorry you are having a terrible time with your funeral director. The one we had for my dad was very good but the one that my brother picked for my mum made everything ten times more difficult and made the problems between us much worse. To such an extent I didn’t get to go to my mums funeral and I will always blame the funeral director at the time for being the main cause of that.
However in your case there is probably a more simple solution. The COVID situation means that ashes cant be released until the government says it was ok they have to store them at the crematorium so there is probably a backlog with ordering caskets. Also they may not have ordered it simply because they know your wives ashes wont be released yet. I am afraid in this case your problem may be more because of the COVID than the funeral director. I dont know the situation re the COVID in your area. However the funeral directors should have kept you informed of the situation in order to cause you as least distress as possible. I only knew about it because of the original funeral directors that mum had wanted advertised it really clearly so everyone would know. But unfortunately not all funeral directors are the same. And at a time of distress it is not something you really shop around for as everyone is so distressed at the time. Basically I can heartily recommend the co-op and find fosters despicable. Thinking of you in this.
Meebee

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I have been having a few really rough days emotionally it is very hard & very lonely without Tanya as I miss her so much.
My daughter seems to be processing things differently to me which I can’t knock her for as different people deal with grief in different ways.
Amy my Daughter goes back to school soon & that is going to be incredibly tough for me as I gave up work a year ago to look after Tanya to take her to Oncology apointments & just to be there for her as I loved her that much I just wanted to be with her.
But I realise I have to get some sort of job but that has to work around Amy so am not sure what I can work while being on universal credit.
It has only been 4 weeks since my Darling Tanya passed away age 51 & it is so hard Tanya not being here as all I want to do is cuddle her & protect her but Cancer took that away from me.
I am 56 so can’t afford to not work but what my future looks like scares me.

Dear Geoffs,
I find it so hard to understand why anyone should have financial considerations in the midst of the utter turmoil of grief. At the risk of stating the obvious have you ever been in touch with Macmillan Cancer care who state in their advertisements that they can help with not only the medical issues that cancer treatment entails but also practical matters like the financial implications.
Could you also contact your previous employer to see if there is anything that you could return to with suitable working hours? Obviously your daughter is your first priority but keeping a home going is also vital for both of you.
The double whammy of grief and financial uncertainty is impossible to imagine until it hits.
My husband died suddenly and some things we should have sorted were ongoing and not completed. without my son to help me navigate the intricacies of the legal system, pensions etc when I was incoherent with shock I have no idea where I would be now. There is still a mountain to climb but I’m getting there.
I do hope you can find someone who can support you practically at this time of emotional overload. Hopefully someone else will post with suggestions. Xx

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Thank you McMillan have been very helpful.
The Job I left unfortunately they have replaced me long before I left I was thinking about going back but glad I did not as I wanted to be there for Tanya.
I just have to get advice on going forward to see what I can do so that I can be there for my Daughter I was a hgv driver but that can be long hours & I can’t do that because of wanting to be there for Amy my daughter.
Life is very hard at the moment as I miss my wife so much.

Dear Geoffs.
You have been having a really hard time because giving up your job meant losing a support group you may have got through work and of course the financial aspect is very hard too. But you do what you need to do at the time and that was what was best for you and your wife. The thing is now some of these worries are now catching up to you unfortunately just as you are grieving and on top of that it is much harder to find work due to the COVID situation. However remember that you did have a skillset before you gave up work. You have years of experience of working. It is so hard to contend with just now. When you feel able write down what your skills are I know you are vunerable but don’t be down or yourself write down every job skill you can do maybe even get your daughter to help. Its something to start off with. you don’t have to pressurise yourself and rush into it. Did you apply for the bereavement payment?
Bereavement Support Payment has replaced Bereavement Allowance (previously Widow’s Pension), Bereavement Payment, and Widowed Parent’s Allowance.
Bereavement Service helpline
Telephone: 0800 731 0469
Or you can look it up online. Parents with dependant children get more.
I don’t know what the new system is but it might be enough to help tide you over for a bit while you adjust.
Since it is only 4 weeks you are still raw. Your daughter is coping differently because we all do she will have moments too as she hits milestones that she just wants her mum for and she will really need you then. The thing is there will still be lots of people on here to support and advise you should you need it. So keep posting.

You could try also try contacting your previous employer to see if you can work there again as you are more likely to get rehired than find something new just now. (just read your second post but at least let them know you are looking they may be able to give you a few hours or they may know if another company in the same sector is hiring) The COVID has made it difficult for everyone though. You may be able to find a job where you can work from home. You can work and get Universal credit if you are on a low income they may boost it. They have many different rules once things open up (from COVID) they usually have an office that will advise you on all the other council departments and benefits and lots of things. It is usually part of the council but separate. I don’t know what it is called in your area. Ours is just called the Corner Shop. Its an advisory dept. But everything is shut just now. You may be better off just now on universal credit but maybe able to take a short course at college or open uni or online until the worst of the COVID situation is over and that way you will be better prepared for the job market. it is hard to push yourself into it when you feel so lost and vulnerable just now, So if you can afford it take your time, look into things but there is no need to pressure yourself if the bills are being met just now. Ok i have a solution for you that might work and even if COVID they will be hiring at some point. Apply to all the supermarkets to be a dot.com driver. You have the qualifications already just say you cant do the evening shift because of childcare but are looking for a morning position. Its worth a shot. However they tend to have weird questionaires to get in as part of the application form so if you can get help with the questionaire part. I think driving locally as a dot.com driver would suit you because you could do that while she is at school. And the thing is that they are still very busy because of the COVID but some of the temporary drivers they took on will end up going back to their regular jobs but if the orders still keep up then they will shortly need people to replace them. You might not get something straight away but put feelers out with all your local supermarkets. Just make sure you put on the form you cant do evening and weekends except as occasional overtime as childcare permits. This shows you are willing to do it to cover but cant do it all the time. Suoernarjets in general are quite good with single parents because of the unions. Its worth a try anyway. I don’t think any opportunities will come up immediately but this will give you time that you need just now.

Thinking of you.

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Thank you very much for that advice I am glad I joined this site as people have wealth of knowledge that I would not have thought of.
Thanks very much again.

Today has been a very hard day today emotionally .
We got my Darling Tanya’s. Ashes back yesterday my Daughter & I chose a personalised casket with photos of the 3 of us on there I just sat in the sitting room where Tanya’s ashes are & just sobbed my heart out I miss her so much its horrible the pain of her not being here with us.
Unfortunately my Counselor told me last week she is leaving so I have 3 more sessions on the phone with her then will be put in touch with someone else so it will be back to square 1 with someone else. :broken_heart::cry:

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