Losing my wife

My wife passed away in may 2019 and I don’t think I have grieved properly. I know she is gone but I try not to think about her. I haven’t moved any of her things from the dressing table or her bedside locker. Magazines still lay waiting to be read. Perfume to be sprayed. It’s like believing she has gone shopping and will eventually return. To accept she is gone would destroy me. I know this is not healthy but it’s the only way I can function. Life is not worthwhile without her

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Hi. Has58. Why do you think it’s unhealthy to feel as you do? It’s not, but a normal reaction to loss. Some find it comforting to leave things as they were. Others clean everything up so as not to be reminded. It’s a very personal choice. It’s two years for me and after a while I did dispose of most things except my wife’s paintings and her writings. Those I cherish. We should try and get out of the habit of judging ourselves as to what is right or wrong. When I hear a door open I still look up in expectation. It may sound silly to most, but not to us who mourn together. Trying not to think about her is self defeating. Allow thoughts to come, but realise they are so often thoughts in a tired mind. Do what you want and how you want it. It’s your life. Take care. John.

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Dear Has58, I don’t always reply to all the posts on this site - but somehow your post is one I can identify with. My wife died suddenly on November 2019. (You see why I can identify). Since that time, I too am finding it very difficult to move on. In fact, I have left the house pretty close to the way it was when she died. Some things, like toothbrushes, toiletries I disposed of, but all in all most of the items are in place as before. Like you I have a number of her things in the house. I was like a zombie, wandering about in the house for a while - probably still do! I spend my time organizing and remembering her and what we were doing by poring over photos, her personal things and grieving at times. If you are anything like me, I can put on a face that seems to show the world that I am handling things well. I am always trying to hold up my end when family and friends drop by. For me it’s all show. I truly miss her - the house seems so empty now and my efforts to do things to try to bring back the past are futile. So I guess you could say I am trying to rebuild my life - (not making much progress but small efforts are better than no efforts). On this site, I have noted that most of the people say that their lives are never the same. (I find that toe be true). My own son seems to notice how his dad has changed - even scolded me recently to join in family get togethers. I do try, but it lasts only a short while. As Jonathan stated, do what you want and handle it the way that makes you comfortable. It’ll never be the same - but I told someone recently, that my wife is still alive in my mind and memories. At least that’s how I’m handling it. My thoughts go out to you - best wishes!!!
Herb

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My wife passed away 24 weeks ago today. I’ve just left things as they were. I wear her wedding ring around my neck. We were married for 50 years, someone said not long ago I have to build a new life but they don’t understand I don’t want a new life. The thing I miss most of all is holding her in a big hug, something we did every night even when she was very weak towards the end.
Since she died what with the covid situation I’ve not actually had physical contact with another human.
Thank goodness I still have our cocker spaniel to cuddle .
I try to keep busy and from the outside I appear to be coping but the grief overwhelms me sometimes,especially at night.

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Hi John 2 and Herb. I know what you mean about people telling you to start a new life. My life has moved forward a little but there is something missing that I can never replace. Even when I feel cheerful I just never feel complete. I can’t ever feel the same again because the memories stop me.I can never replace those memories. I see Ron everywhere in my town because he was so well known. I try to avoid so many places and I can’t look at photo’s either.I did once and it cut me up.I hope things get better for all of us but they will never be the same.

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I am only at the start of this. My husband’s funeral is next week but already today an insensitive friend told me on the phone that I’m young (40, was married 15 yrs, we knew each other around 20 years and together 17) and she just knows I’ll find someone else!!! I am still married to my husband. Won’t be taking my ring off or labeling myself as widow, I’m married.
I hope the best for all of you, each post gave me something to help me, thank you.

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