Losing myself

It’ll be exactly 12 weeks since I lost my Dad tomorrow and I’m seeing so many others post about ‘losing themselves’. It’s exactly how I’m feeling and instead of ‘boring’ my two close friends or my partner (they’re all I have), I’m boring you lot instead with my feelings.
I’ve had a shaky week to say the least. I’m now finding myself going off to grieve quietly on my own, so I don’t bother anyone else. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel embarrassed over how much I’m really breaking down or if I just want privacy to let it all out without feeling like I have an audience. I’m quite a private person I guess and I’ve always found crying in public to be some kind of weakness, for me anyway. I guess that’s where a lot of my anxiety comes in and why I’m still avoiding people and my usual routine.
I’ve just found out that I need to defer University for a year because I’ve missed so much class time, learning theory etc that I’ve lost all confidence for working with clients (I’m studying Counselling - ironic huh?). I suppose it’s just quite an unfortunate coincidence that someone from my class is also a carer for their Dad who’s in his 80’s with advanced Alzheimer’s. I’ve managed class three times and every time I’ve walked out of class in floods of tears is because they’re sharing something to do with their Dad and I just can’t bare to hear it. It literally breaks my heart. I suppose it’s quite natural to feel that way but, not being in University or being at work and having all this time to reflect is just making me lose myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. My life before revolved around my Dad. I’d go to work, and go visit my Dad bringing him anything he needed or fancied. I’d go to University and walk 10 minutes up the road to his house where I’d always get my ‘Ah toots, it’s so good to see you’. He really valued and held me so high in his thoughts. Something I’ve never had with any other relationship. My mum just makes me feel like a bother, always has. I guess I’m just really really missing him and still counting the time it’s been. Thursday was the last day I seen him, and it was only for a short visit as I was writing an essay. I let myself into his wee flat, filled his fridge, went into the living room and seen he had a pal in so I said ‘right muckle that’s your fridge filled, I canna bide cause I’ve got homework but I’ll come see yi Sunday, I love you!’ ‘Aye nae worries toots, thanks for my messages and I’ll see you Sunday. Love ya darling’. Was his last spoken words and last time I seen him. Friday, I text him whilst at work asking how his scallops were (a fave). The last text I got was ‘Feeling fine. Scallops were delicious :+1:t2::smile:xx’. I’d tried to call him on the Saturday again whilst at work, no answer. Didn’t think anything of it, and I don’t know why. Usually I’d run out of work to go check but work was just so busy that I just got on with the shift. I finished at 4am, an 11 hour shift. That was it. When I found him, I checked his phone. It was off somehow, and when I turned it on the first message that popped up was from me on the Saturday saying ‘thinking of you :revolving_hearts:’ and it broke my heart. He didn’t even get to see it.
We never did a Post Mortem on my Dad and sometimes I regret that - not really knowing what happened or exactly when it happened. It just said a heart attack and COPD on the coroners report. It plagues me wondering the details - was it long? Did he suffer? Was he scared?
I’m not going to lie, it’s taken me about an hour to write this. Tears have covered my phone, going over the details. The subject for this post is ‘Coping with bereavement’ but I’m not. I don’t think I ever will. I want my Dad, I need my Dad. I need him to make me feel me again, to feel whole…

Hello Watt92,
I feel such sadness for you, you are a very caring son, I would guess that you are still in the early stages of grief. Twelve weeks is no length of time, there are members here who are grieving for a much longer time. I would say that you are a perfect son by the way that you cared for your dad, if I say that I do understand your grief, my dad died in 1989 and I still miss him, his down to earth common sense, his sense of humour and kindness, little did I know what was to come. You have probably read my posts, about my finding my husband dead on our bedroom floor, this was last August (2019) my beloved younger brother had died 3years earlier, as had my best friend of nearly 72 years, all were shocks and sudden. I think that you are very wise to take time out of University, how on earth could you concentrate with such a weight on your shoulders? I really hope that you feel better soon, I am not suggesting that the grief will leave you, it never does. Please continue to post here, you will receive warmth and understanding.
MaryL x

Hi,

It may be the best thing for you to defer university, when your grieving I think it’s hard to concentrate and your chosen subject may be very difficult to manage at the moment, given time of a year you may be in a better place to continue your studies?

I think we lose our identity and our place in the world when we lose a dearly loved person.

We need to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves time to heal, give ourselves treats? Maybe treat ourselves like we’re ill and are convalescing?

Could you do some voluntary work like visiting an elderly lonely person? May be good to have a connection with someone of your dads generation and you are obviously a kind person so it may fulfil a bit of you by being needed? Also you could add to your application in time for university to show you’ve been helping people which is what counselling is, sort of?

Thank you for your reply, @MaryL. You’re almost spot on, however I’m a girl! A daddy’s girl at that. But thank you so much for your understanding and I’m so sorry to hear about your loss’. Its such a horrible heart wrenching thing this grief. It’s really made me lose myself in ways I never have - did you ever feel like you started resented others for moving on with life? I just feel so stuck and so so tired.

Thank you for your words too @Flower_garden! Yes I think I will take up some type of volunteering over the summer hopefully when I’m feeling more myself. Right now, I struggle to hear of anyone else’s stories or ‘struggles’ cause right now nothing is worse than what I’m going through. I’m taking the time to be selfish for the first time in so long. When you’re a giving person, you really do sacrifice yourself. I’ve lived so much for other people, it’s my turn.

Love to all x

oops, sorry, Watt92,
I don’t know why I assumed that you are a man, maybe I got it into my head that your forum name was male, Sorry.
Thank you for your reply, I do hope that everything settles down for you and your partner, it is a long road to travel, but from the impression I have, you two will get there, you are so caring,
Love,
Mary x

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