I lost my very young cousins 4 days back. He killed himself mercilessly. So much pain. I can’t bear the thought that he was in so much pain and I knew nothing about it
The feelings you describe are very similar, I think, to all survivors of suicide. I am one too. The network of people around me, and the victim, have all shared with me and others the exact same sentiment “how did I not know” “what if I’d known, maybe I could have stopped them” “why” “he seemed ok when I saw him on xxx”. Surving suicide is, in my limited 5 weeks of experience, wretched for all of the reasons I’ve given above, and many more reasons. Right now you’ll be in shock because this is a very traumatic way to lose someone. That shock will wear off and the thick fog of immediate grief will lift. I was given some advice on here very early on, which has since been echoed by many people, and that was to keep talking, especially to a professional if and when you feel comfortable to, go easy on yourself and practice a lot of self care these next few hours, days and weeks; you’re going to need to. Please keep talking on here if it helps. There is no quick fix but it will get better, I promise x
I know why he did it. What troubles me even more that his mental anguish was such extreme that he forgot about the physical pain.
He had a fight with his mother and slit his wrists and banged himself. He had bitten his lips so hard to stop any scream that he almost cut his lips. So much pain. All this while the rest of the family was in the next room.
Now his mother isn’t able to forgive herself. She is in unbearable pain.
You must feel so sad and have so many questions. My heart goes out to you. It is good that you have been able to post about your loss and are allowing others to support you in this difficult time.
There are others on this site, like CatP2, who will know what you are going through and I hope that their responses will help and comfort you.
There is also another website that both you and your cousin’s mother may find helpful. It is called ‘Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide’ and this is the link to it:
They also run a national helpline from 9am to 9am Monday to Sunday,
The phone number is 0300 111 5065
Take good care of yourself.