Loss and then going into lockdown

I lost my Dad suddenly at the beginning of March last year and then the day of his funeral we went into full lockdown. I still feel in shock and so alone. The pandemic has taken over everything and now as we slowly come out of it, I want to shout I can’t be normal and go back to how it was. I feel that his death was by passed with the COVID situation and that there is bigger things to worry about than my grief. We had a funeral but not the visitors and wake that I think in hindsight I so desperately needed. I can’t talk about him because it is so painful but I really need to. It is only when I am alone that I truly breakdown. I came across this forum and it has made me feel less alone but I have not come across anyone in the same circumstances.

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Hello Apple,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement, they offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services.

Take care,

Michelle

Online Community team

Apple - I truly feel for you. My husband died during lockdown last summer and the feelings you describe about your experiences are so familiar to me. What is ‘normal’ now? For you, me and many here it will be a very different life than we have ever had before. Not one we would have chosen, either. And yes, I too feel that Covid overshadowed everything and I resent it. I resent that I couldn’t invite all his friends and family to his funeral. I resent that he was infected with Covid on top of Parkinson’s disease and cancer and, therefore, so was I; and I lost time I could have spent with him because I had to isolate. The only way it could have happened is from the nurses who visited us at home and it was absolutely NOT their fault; he needed them for a few months before he went into the hospice and the guidelines all medical staff are now following had not been created then. They were helping us before lockdown even started and doing a wonderful job. I know my situation differs from yours in that mine was not a sudden loss. But the feelings afterwards are so similar and I just wanted to let you know. I am not going to insult you and say ‘I know how you feel’ because I don’t, and I hate it when people say that to me. But I know how bad this loneliness and resentment feel for me, being alone more or less all the time because of lockdown and yet dreading it finishing because my life will never be the same again without him. And I wanted to send you an understanding hug and to say that the suggestions about online counselling sounds great, and to thank you because I didn’t know about them before you posted and the reply to you was posted. I hope it helps you. I haven’t visited this group for a while and I am glad I did today and saw your post. Sending you hugs and understanding.

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Thank you so much for your reply. I feel less alone knowing there is someone else dreading coming out of lockdown as although a lonely experience, one that has been a constant experience and a time to think about the person we have lost. You are also so true about about being so angry with COVID and the healing experience it has taken away from us and the celebration of their life. I also agree that counselling might be good to work through grief. However something that I have found useful is listening to the podcast ‘griefcast’. When I feel particularly overwhelmed I listen to one that is similar to my experience and I feel less alone and it makes me realise that grief and missing someone is not going to stop overnight and it is an evolving experience. Big hug to you too and you are right, I don’t know how you feel but we are similar and that helps x

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Hi Apple
I was wondering how you are i just read your initiial message and I also lost my Mom at the beginning of the first lockdown
we only had 8 at her funeral and I think it robbed me of the grieving process
i didnt lose her suddenly she was ill for 6 months before she died
i watched her decline and pass away and it has left me with anxiety and i suffered major panic attacks
the stress made me so ill i thought i was going to die to
although i am starting to accept it, i cant lose the anxiety which makes me tremble and have breathing issues
does any if this sound familiar x

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Thank you for sharing your experience. I have not suffered with the same level of anxiety as you have but I did experience a feeling regularly soon after I lost my dad that felt like my heart kept skipping a beat and I really had to slow my breathing and talk myself into feeling calmer. This went after a while but now sometimes when I think of something that I want to tell him and I realise he is not here, I literally feel that I have been hit full force in the stomach. I feel struck down. It feels like a bad dream.

yes thats how my stomach reacts its a real feeling of pain
i thought i might have settled as it was 14 months ago but I still feel shell shocked
i noticed you mention about grief podcast i will try it

I have found grief cast good and it made me realise that there is not a timeline for grief and there is no right length of time to feel a particular way. I hope you find them good too.

Thanks for helping

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