Hey all this has taken alot of courage to come here and to be honest with myself it’s much needed.
Unfortunately I lost my son very recently which has hit me very hard. He died of drug induced cardiomyopathy. The team at the BRI cardiac ward were absolutely brilliant and did the best they could to save him however his heart was so damaged resulting in his heart only working at 19%. That also resulted in his other organs failing .
We all had hope at one stage then it was the dreaded call to say the team want to have a meeting with us. That was the meeting to say they couldn’t do nothing more and we have to discuss his end of life plan. He passed away through the early hours the following day but the team said he would make it through the weekend so my plan was to go in the the following morning and say my goodbyes and play him some songs I had found. I was in bed and had that call to say that he had passed away peacefully
I didn’t get to say goodbye which will stay with me for the rest of my life. Going forward to his funeral plans i also chosen not to go see him at the funeral home because I was scared to see him. I’m regretting I didn’t visit him. The day of funeral was a beautiful send off with good songs to celebrate him . John legend all off me / reign knocking on heavens door and final song Massive attack teardrop . When he was lowered to the ground everyone dropped roses as they passed and i was comforting my 3 sons to makesure they were ok as can be . They all left for the cars and it was like a massive hurricane of emotions suddenly hit me and I just fell to my knees crying and repeatedly saying sorry to him for not helping knowing that I did the best I could however it failed and he is now no longer alive.
Going on without him is getting harder each passing day but I tell myself that I am blessed to have his 3 little brothers here and also another little brother on the way with my current partner
That said there will always be that aching lost feeling so its how I manage it . I get days where I call Into work sick which I get annoyed about. I work in mental health so when my mental heath is not great I can’t go and work on the ward to look after guys who need my support. I’m currently on antidepressants which i started over a month and half ago.
This is the first step coming on this site and having just wrote all this I feel a little better in a sense .
Thanks for reading