Loss of 18 Yr old son

[Stadds]

Hey all this has taken alot of courage to come here and to be honest with myself it’s much needed.

Unfortunately I lost my son very recently which has hit me very hard. He died of drug induced cardiomyopathy. The team at the BRI cardiac ward were absolutely brilliant and did the best they could to save him however his heart was so damaged resulting in his heart only working at 19%. That also resulted in his other organs failing .

We all had hope at one stage then it was the dreaded call to say the team want to have a meeting with us. That was the meeting to say they couldn’t do nothing more and we have to discuss his end of life plan. He passed away through the early hours the following day but the team said he would make it through the weekend so my plan was to go in the the following morning and say my goodbyes and play him some songs I had found. I was in bed and had that call to say that he had passed away peacefully
I didn’t get to say goodbye which will stay with me for the rest of my life. Going forward to his funeral plans i also chosen not to go see him at the funeral home because I was scared to see him. I’m regretting I didn’t visit him. The day of funeral was a beautiful send off with good songs to celebrate him . John legend all off me / reign knocking on heavens door and final song Massive attack teardrop . When he was lowered to the ground everyone dropped roses as they passed and i was comforting my 3 sons to makesure they were ok as can be . They all left for the cars and it was like a massive hurricane of emotions suddenly hit me and I just fell to my knees crying and repeatedly saying sorry to him for not helping knowing that I did the best I could however it failed and he is now no longer alive.
Going on without him is getting harder each passing day but I tell myself that I am blessed to have his 3 little brothers here and also another little brother on the way with my current partner
That said there will always be that aching lost feeling so its how I manage it . I get days where I call Into work sick which I get annoyed about. I work in mental health so when my mental heath is not great I can’t go and work on the ward to look after guys who need my support. I’m currently on antidepressants which i started over a month and half ago.
This is the first step coming on this site and having just wrote all this I feel a little better in a sense .

Thanks for reading

[Peppers]

Dear @Stadds

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son. Welcome to the Community and thank you for having the courage to reach out and share your post.

There no words to describe the pain of losing your child. Sue Ryder has supportive information on Supporting yourself through grief 2 which you may find of help.

There is also an organisation called The Compassionate Friends and they offer support and information for families who have lost a child of any age.

You must be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time. Give yourself time to grieve. If you have not done so already and I would speak to your GP and Manager at work to see how they can support you.

You have taken a big step by reaching out and please continue to do so. We are all here for you. You are not alone.

Take Care.

Pepsi

[Nell2]

Hello - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It’s heartbreaking, I lost my daughter in January. First few months I was totally overwhelmed and traumatised. Coming on here has really helped, talking to others who understand cos they are going through it too. Try and be kind to yourself, easy to say. Its hard to do when you are grieving such a huge loss. Compassionate Friends have been really helpful to me and they are worth contacting too. You will get support and understanding on here. Sending all my best wishes.