Loss of a brother

In January my younger brother killed himself.
I live in a different country than my family, and I went home to help with the funeral, sorting through his things, etc. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He and I weren’t as close toward the end, as he struggled with mental illness, so we sometimes didn’t communicate as well as we could have. He didn’t always take his medication. He was my best friend growing up, we are only 2 years apart.
I am so heartbroken, so hurt, so angry, and I don’t know how to cope. Being away from my family is hard and easy at the same time, because I feel as if I am going through the motions and drowning in my own grief.
I don’t know what to do. It feels ridiculous to be typing this on this website, while stoically sitting at my desk at work.

So very sorry for your loss Shougrand. My situation is different, however I also lost a sibling. My younger sister died in 3 May, 2018. She had cancer, and did well until one dreaded night when we took her to the hospital, and she died in front of me as the sun came up the next morning. I also had to go through her things and complete the final clean out of her home, and agree it is a heart wrenching task. We both lost a sibling, and that loss is something that impacts one’s life in so many ways. Our siblings were so much a part of our past, and the belief was they’d be part of our present and future as well. Death changes that. Please do not feel “ridiculous.” Sometimes just writing out your feelings can help immensely. There are others on the forum who lost siblings in a similar way , and can be of help to you (in more ways than I). One thing I can do is listen and support you through this painful journey. Our siblings were a part of us, and we shared so much history with them.
In essence, we lost a part of ourselves.
Take care. Sister2 Xx

So sorry about your loss.

So sorry about your brother.
I lost two brothers in the space of three months.
Like you I live far away. I went back home in December for elder brother funeral. Left my family behind ,husband and two kids during Christmas.
I hadn’t seen my brother in 7 years.
I came back and the following week my younger brother also living back home was diagnosed with cancer. He died today.
He left it so late to tell me he had cancer.
While I was back home for our brother’s funeral he was with me every day and never told us he had cancer.
I feel disconnected and can’t cry. My grief is stuck in my stomach.
I cant go for his funeral as i caught malaria when I was there in December.
I am just a bag of nerves right now.

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