Loss of both parents

Hi, I lost my mum on 27th March less than 4 weeks after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She had always struggled with illness, but always was able to have treatment. That’s probably the reason that we missed some of her symptoms. I feel so guilty about not getting her to hospital sooner, I hadn’t realised how poorly she was and she just put up with everything without making a fuss.
I am really struggling to cope with the huge loss. I lived with my mum and we did everything together. I don’t have a family of my own. I miss her so much and I can’t believe she’s gone. I lost my dad just over 2 years ago and I was still trying to come to terms with that when this happened.

Nobody can seem to understand the depth of the pain I’m feeling and I can’t see me ever feeling any better. My life is just so empty without my mum and I just miss her so much.

I can see from the chats that other people have been through similar, I would really appreciate it if anyone could offer any advice or support.

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Hi Lucy, welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of.
I am truly sorry for your loss.

We lost my Dad back in 2019 when he fell down the stairs and broke his neck, I was pregnant, going through a divorce and subsequent house move. Then quite suddenly and unexpectedly my Mum had a fatal heart attack in late January this year. My life has been a blur since.

Never did I think I’d be here without both Mum and Dad at only 43 years old. But here I am.

I really hope you have friends who are supporting you? or at least someone you can talk to? You can talk to me if you want? :slight_smile:

Some days are better than others, some days I just feel ‘‘stronger’’ inside and others if you said ‘‘boo!’’ to me I’d burst out crying and not stop. But life goes on, the seasons change (this is a difficult thing for me) I can’t believe that I will live the rest of my life without either of my parents in it.

I have a little girl, so am not alone - she’s only three but has coped remarkably with the sudden loss of my wonderful Mum. My Mum was like a second Mum to her, it was just us three. Do you have a partner?

There is nothing I can say to make it all better, I wish there was. Four months on and I still haven’t come to terms with it all. We are all here for you, if you want to talk. Be kind to yourself is the only advice I would give.

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Hi Banafell,

Thank you so much for the reply. Your situation sounds horrible and to lose both of your parents in such a short space of time is truly heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your losses also.

I can’t imagine what you must have gone through, with being pregnant when your dad passed, I am so happy that you’ve got your little girl to keep you going though, she must be a shining light at such a dark time. I’m so sorry you also lost your mum this year.

I know exactly what you mean, I am 45 and never envisaged losing both my parents by this age, I just didn’t see it coming at all. I think we hope they will be around forever. I’m the same, I just can’t believe I will never see either of them again.

I do have a couple of supportive friends and a partner thank you, but they just don’t seem to understand the magnitude of what I’m feeling, even though they have tried to. I honestly think it’s only people who have lived through the same situation that fully understand. That’s why I thought this forum would be a good place to start, especially as other people have also gone through so much, like yourself.

Thank you for the advice, I’m trying not to feel so guilty about not seeking help for my mum sooner, but it’s easier said than done. I know exactly what you mean about some days being slightly better than others, but it is still very raw for us both at the moment so it should be expected I suppose. I feel a complete mess at the moment.

Thank you so much, I am also here for you too should you ever need to talk.

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Hey I can 100% confirm I know how much pain you’re in cause I to lost my Mum, anyone who’s not been through it will never understand just how painful it really is.
People think I should be getting over it by now but I know it’s something I will never get over, but I’m holding onto hope that I can learn to live with it at least!
I’m so sorry you are feeling that way, I can’t help much cause I’m going through it to but it does help to know that you’re not alone, so that’s why I thought I’d reach out to you x

Thank you Jess, that really means a lot that you’ve reached out when you’re going through so much yourself.

It is really horrendous losing a parent isn’t it and just so very painful. It’s something that you never imagine happening. I think it will definitely take a long time and it’s not something that we can simply get over. I hope, like you, that the pain will lessen over time and it will be possible to at least live alongside the grief somehow.

You have helped me by replying to me and it is comforting to know that others understand how I’m feeling. I’m very sorry for your loss x

@Lucy7 @Jess1 @Banafell hi I know all to well how you feel. I lost my mum ten years ago and my dad four years ago. My husband died two years ago and all I wanted was my mum and dad to hold me and tell me it would all be okay. We think they will be hear forever and the shock of losing them is more than we can bear. Like you say unless people experience the same loss they won’t understand. This site helps us to support each other at our point of need which is a godsend. Sending you all a hug. Let’s keep talking x

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Hi Nel,
I’m so sorry got your losses, it’s just horrible isn’t it. I’m
Like you and just want my mum and dad to tell me it will be ok, in particular my mum as she always made everything ok for me. She got me through losing my dad and now I feel like there’s nobody that can get me through losing her. I’m still in disbelief that she won’t ever be there again, it breaks my heart.

It’s a very lonely time and most people don’t understand like we have said. Did you have any counselling? I am considering going myself.

I’m sending you a hug back, it’s so comforting to know that others understand how it feels. I’m here anytime you want to talk x

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@Lucy7 I have had counselling a CBT and talk therapy but I have found this site more helpful than all of that. I listen to guided meditation when feel really bad. I try to do it once a day. I go to yoga which is only around the corner. I said to the lady that runs it that I can’t promise I won’t be crying when I get there. She said she would give me a hug. I have decided it’s better to tell people how I feel as it makes me feel better. If people want to avoid me they are not really friends. I’m hoping these new tablets I’m taking will work. I keep telling myself. This too will pass. I can do this and try and face each day as it comes. If I think ahead it makes me anxious. X

I’m glad you’re getting some support and I agree that this is the best therapy, speaking to people who fully understand what we are going through.

I really hope the new tablets work for you and offer you some peace. It is such a tough journey for anyone to face. I never imagined being in this position as I’m sure you didn’t, but here we are unfortunately.

If I can be of any use to you, even if it’s just a ear to listen, I’m more than happy to x

Hi lucy
Im so sorry to hear of your mums recent passing and your dads aswell. I lost my mum on the 24th of march this year 10 days after lung cancer diagnosis. I too like you feel so much guilt. I feel like i should of pushed her doctors to see her. I took her to AnE 3 times. I had to call a paramedic in the end as she collapsed. She died 10 days later. My dad died in 2018 to cancer also. I know how u feel and i wouldnt wish this feeling on anybody. Its the mornings and evenings that hit the hardest. Only thing i can suggest to you that helps for me is getting a dog and forcing yourself out every day. Try not to let the depression in. Nothing will ever hurt you again like you are hurting right now in life.Thats the way im looking at this. I wish u all the best and im here if you ever need someone to talk to :slight_smile: xxx

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Hi Sunshine,
Thank you for replying to me. I am very sorry to hear of your parents passing too, it is just the most horrendous thing isn’t it.

What happened to your mum is still so very raw for you, like me. I feel the same, I am constantly beating myself up about not insisting on taking my mum to A&E sooner, I did know she was ill, but didn’t realise the extent and she kept telling me she was ok. At least you did take your mum 3 times, so you tried your absolute best and it’s definitely not your fault- I hope you will eventually see that and take comfort from it.

I think you’re right, nothing could possibly hurt any more than this, it is the worst feeling ever and I never even imagined how bad it could be. I just want to turn back the clock and do things differently. I find myself envious of others who still have both their parents and I can’t believe that everyone else seems to have the perfect lives with no problems- I know that’s not true, but it’s the way it makes me feel.

I think your idea of getting a dog is a good one, they are great companions and I think I will do that once I’m in a better place and can offer a pet the care they need.

Thank you so much, I’m also here for you should you ever need to talk xxx

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Hi @Lucy7

I am so sorry for your loss.
I can understand some of your pain. I lost my mom at the end of December and I think I feel worse now than when it happened/the first few months.
I too feel so much guilt about not getting help sooner. I could see mom wasn’t herself but she insisted she didn’t want to go to hospital, I visited her everyday anyway but one of the days something was different. I phoned an ambulance as she looked and sounded dreadful, they rushed her to a&e and within 24hrs she was gone.
I often think if I’d gotten help sooner, she may still be here.
I have a partner and friends but I don’t feel I can talk to them as I am always the ‘strong’ one, keeping everything together, when in reality I am slowly falling apart.
My dad moved in with me and my husband when mom passed, he is 87 and so I am constantly worried about something a happening to him too.
I am glad you have come in here to vent/talk, I am here if you need a chat or anything :blush:
Take care

Hi @Lucyp85,

Thank you for your message. I am very sorry for the loss of your mum also.

I am struggling so much with the guilt of not seeking help sooner, I will never forgive myself. I should have taken her to the hospital much sooner, but she didn’t want to go and thought she would start to feel better. After we did finally go to A&E, we knew my mum was dying for nearly 4 weeks before she passed and that time was extremely traumatic and I will never be able to erase it from my memory. I cared for her at home during this time as she didn’t want to be in hospital, but I’m also now worried maybe she would have been better in hospital, but I dint know.

I know you feel the same about not seeking help, but hopefully you might be able to find comfort in the fact that your mum passed quickly and so there was probably nothing you could have done.

Other people don’t understand the huge loss we’ve suffered, unless they’ve been through it themselves. My partner constantly tells me to “not upset myself” which is ridiculous as I will always be completely devastated by the loss of my mum and I don’t feel I will ever recover. I lived with my mum and we did everything together. I miss her so much and, the longer it’s been since I’ve seen her, the worse I feel.

I think it will take a long time for us to process such a massive, life changing event and it can’t be rushed.

I am also here for you too, should you ever wish to talk more x