Loss of both parents

This is my first time here but I can truly identify with everything that has posted about the loss of a parent. I lost both my parents suddenly to cancer within a very short time of each other.

To go into too much detail would be too painful. The thing is six years have passed since I lost them and I’m still having trouble dealing with it. I had a series of counselling sessions which helped me gain some perspective and for a while I felt like there was a reason for optimism moving forward. Before that there seemed little point in anything, even making meals was a chore.

That has been true, I felt I had made some real progress, but I still find myself becoming trapped in downward spirals. They seem easy to fall into and difficult to get free of and happen suddenly.

Recently I consciously felt more relaxed than I had for a long time then Father’s Day came around and I’ve become trapped in the spiral again. I posted a dedication and photo of my dad on the Cruse website as a tribute as a tribute to him.

Ever since I’ve felt the lowest I’ve been for a long time and it feels like I’ve gone backwards. I just can’t seem to snap out of it this time and my dear mum’s birthday is very soon as well.

They were both such kind and special people devoted to each other and to my sister and myself. After loss you are never the same person you used to be. I thought six years later I would be better able to cope. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t, this time it’s the latter.

I suppose I feel a little better posting this message here as I don’t have anyone to talk to regularly and I don’t like to bother friends or relatives.

Thank you for reading this.

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Hello @Tony9,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of both of your parents. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

Hi, I guess these grief spirals are to be expected when we suffer significant loss. It doesn’t seem to matter how long has passed since the loss as the power of memories, reflections and absence can bring us down. It sounds like you had lovely relationships with your parents so you’ll always feel the physical absence of them in your life. Anniversaries are always going to jolt a response. Giving time to remember and honour your parents on these occasions is a great thing to do. Be kind to yourself and go with the feelings, time will pass and you’ll no doubt go into another phase. Best wishes xx

Thank you @Rosiepink for your reply and your kindness. Your words are much appreciated.

My mum’s birthday is in August and my dad’s is in September. We all have notable dates that are important to our family be they birthdays or anniversaries. I always feel apprehensive as the dates gets nearer as I recall the happy times we spent together as a family.

My mum and dad are interred side by side in the Garden of Remembrance at the church where they were married. I have a plaque there bearing their names with a sentiment. On these dates I usually take flowers there. Sometimes though I find this an ordeal, sometimes a tribute. If I don’t go I feel guilty about not facing up to it. I don’t know what to do about it this time.

With bereavement I find it to be a thin line between being able to appear to be coping or inside feeling you’re at the end of your tether.

Losing loved ones is a truly awful feeling, a feeling absolutely nothing can prepare you for.

Thank you again @Rosiepink.

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Hi
Your parents would no doubt understand if you were unable to take flower tributes on the correct day. Don’t feel guilty if you feel unable to physically go. As all of us grieving know only too well we suffer because we loved so deeply. I wouldn’t place any expectations on how you mark the anniversaries, go with what feels right for you. The flowers can always be taken another day when you’re feeling stronger. Be kind to yourself…xx

Me too. Six years since I lost my mother and father, married sixty years.

I am only child, on top of it. All I can say is I see other parental relationships and I remind myself how lucky I was to have such parents. I was so loved that I am able to care and love myself as they loved me. I have a strong sense of self and self-esteem because I was so blessed.

Try to look at it that way. Not all are so fortunate. They aren’t coming back to this plane, at least, so it is all you can do. Be the wonderful child they created and go into the world and do them proud. You are their legacy.

(But I do understand the pain. I am still so lost and lonely without them.)

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