Loss of mum

Hi, it’s been 9 yrs since I lost my mum to cancer, Saturday was her anniversary. I never grieved over her loss and I think this is now happening, everyday for the past week has been so emotional, lack of sleep etc. I just feel like I am in dark room, trying to find the door to get out the other side. I am the sort of person that does not like to show emotions so at the moment find this very hard. A friend has said I can speak to them but I am afraid I will push them away from our friendship. Sorry not sure what else to write.

Oh Pazza. I am so sorry to hear how you feel. Nine months nine years makes little difference to our emotions. Memories come up out of the blue and they can easily upset us. You obviously loved your mum and love can never be lost and time makes no impression on it
Your analogy about being in a dark room and looking for a door to get out is so common in bereavement. Perhaps, if you stay with this community, you may find some light to find that door. What you said is how most of us have felt at some time. Alone and helpless.
But you are far from alone and certainly not helpless.
A true friend will listen to you and be there for you. If what you say pushes them away then what sort of friend are they?
Be emotional, Cry if you want. It’s all OK.
You say you never grieved for her. Perhaps you bottled up your emotions, not a wise thing to do. Emotions are part of this process called grief. They will out in some way, as you are now finding, so let them out. You are not strange or odd in any way. It’s delayed grief. Yes, after all this time it can happen.
Take it as easy as you can. Your mum would have wanted you to be happy. Try and replace bad memories with good ones. Have you thought of some counselling?
Stay with us and read other posts on here. Sending you Blessings.