Loss of my beautiful wife

I lost my wife of 42 years on the 22nd of March this year, the pain and grief I feel is at times unbearable, for about two months it was actually a physical pain, it felt as though something was pressing down on my chest and had difficulty taking deep breaths, I went to the doctor’s and he said that my heart rate was quite fast and that it was adrenaline (which is a good thing in a fight or flight situation but not a good thing when you don’t need it). He put me on beta blockers and it has now eased somewhat. My kids live quite a distance from me so I am on my own and spend all my time watching her favourite music on YouTube and spending a lot of time (and money) getting photos enlarged and framed, I have them all over the house and my kids tell me that I am going over the top and they are worried about me, but nobody comes to the house and they give me some comfort so I don’t see any harm in it. I also spend 2-3 hours a day at the cemetery but it is a beautiful cemetery with a bench just near the grave and it is some comfort that she is in the same grave as my Daughter (who we lost 6 years ago). My youngest Daughter’s friend made a suggestion to her, which I thought was a good idea, and that is when she has a memory about her Mum to write it down in a book because over time memories fade so that is what I am doing.
I’ve also been hitting the bottle too much as well which I know I need to start cutting right back on. It’s just so hard when you are on your own!


I’m sorry this has happened to you. None of us want to be here on this forum but it is a good supportive place.

The start of this journey is so hard, it’s an unbearable raw pain and yes, it makes us do things. I too had photos printed and sat for hours watching videos and all our life’s photos but that does wear off.

What also wears off is the unbearable raw pain, it does become more manageable.

Everyone is on a personal journey of loss as we’ve all shared different things with our partner, the years people spend together and how they spent their lives together has an impact on how they feel. The grief however in is the same and that gives us all a common ground.

Take small steps hour by hour if necessary, don’t concentrate on the future as that can keep you in a dark place going over and over what you’ve lost. Think of the now and deal with each step as it comes, otherwise it gets all consuming and overwhelming. I keep a diary, if all the things I want to say to my partner everyday. That’s also a good idea about logging memories.

You do you and whatever it takes to get through. Your grief is different to your childrens. Best wishes.


Thanks Ali wise words xxx


Totally get you ! I was same with the physical pain ! I thought i was gonna have a heart attack too … all my body was tense. Over that period now but i dunno how i survived ? I loved my husband so much … a bit of alcohol wont harm you … i was buying brandy at beginning and i never been a big drinker but its settling down now ! Still have a drink like, but just not as much. Take care … oh and yeh i write things down in a book too … write love letters to my husband or just tell him whats happening at moment … the counsellors call it journalling. Take care xxx

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I haven’t hit the drink. I don’t know why. I think part of my brain says I am already depressed so why indulge in a depressant. It could have helped to suppress the pain. My neighbour says when she lost her husband she started drinking at 9a.m. I don’t understand when she says I am doing so well as I am dressed smartly and not drinking but all I do a lot of crying. Have to pull myself together for this afternoon as a gardener is coming and as they are rare as hens teeth I don’t want to scare him off. Window cleaner tomorrow and chiropodist Wednesday. Have an assessment for grief counselling Friday week. Don’t know if it will help but I will try anything


My gardener was a pick me up. A truly good human being. Explaining the circumstances I got teary so he gave me a hug. He sat and chatted with me and didn’t charge me for the time. Offered to sit with me for tea after he had finished. Offered to cut some hydrangeas from the garden for me to have inside. Is coming back in 4 weeks and has said if nothing needs doing he won’t charge despite a 20 mile round trip. He then gave me another hug when he left. Best £25 I ever spent