Loss of my dad

I lost my dad November 3rd well what they say is November 3rd, last time anyone spoke to him was Oct 27th he txt me then my sis tried calling him to no answer and then that day she tried and his phone was off in 25 years his phone has never been off… I knew my heart sank I got my uncle to get me and go up retching on the way as I knew I got there no answer to the door and then the dredded call for the police they came they kicked his door down and he was there on the floor my knees buckled and I hit the floor I will never ever forget that day smell feeling I love that every single minute of my life the police would not let me see my dad as of his condition as of that point I never got to say goodnight to my dad they held me back to stop me running in I can’t ever forgive myself for not being there I hate myself for it I should have been there more
he created his own cremation and had that in place and he only done it so no one was able to attend he wanted a unattended service as his next of kin and his youngest daughter I respected his wishes and kept his plan in place my god that hurt so bad knowing I wasn’t able to be at his cremation and sat at home when it was happening and just waiting for him to be returned to me.
The day came I got him home and I just sat and cried with him on my lap I will always regret not being there when he needed me most I couldn’t make all of his last wished come true because of covid but I did make sure he was laid to rest where he always wanted to be back with him mum and sister who we lost 22 years ago I miss him so bad and smell him in my home on a daily basis I just want to hear his voice one last time

I wish there was something I could say or do that would take away your pain about what happened with your dad. It must have been so devastating for you. Not being able to be with the people we loved is heartbreaking. And although no-one can make it better, there are many people on this site who do know the pain, and that has helped me feel less alone - I hope that you will find support in knowing that there are people who understand.
Take care

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Hi Lindsey

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post struck a cord with me as I lost my Dad in similar circumstances 2 years ago, though it feels like yesterday. The shock is horrendous isn’t it? We hadn’t heard from my Dad for over a day , which was unusual. We asked the neighbours to knock and there was no reply, post still in the door. With the help of the police they broke entry and found him in the kitchen. He was only 66 and was not poorly at the time. The police said that a family member needed to identify him. Me and my sister were not sure we could do it, so my husband did. I’ve often questioned whether I should have done it and said goodbye but I’m actually glad now that I didn’t. I want to remember him as he was. The coroner found he had bilateral bronchial pneumonia, which was another blow as he wasn’t showing signs of having pneumonia. So then the guilt set in too. Surely I should have known? What a crap daughter. I should have done more. Etc. Although the coroner assured me we couldn’t have known as that this type of illness can strike and lead to death within hours, I still live with self hatred and feeling of guilt. Take care of yourself Lindsey. Take each day as it comes. Life can be sooo cruel sometimes. Xxxx

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Thank you yes it’s so hard it was a few days for me to 27th was last time wasn’t unusual for a few days to pass as he liked his peace but when his phone was of I knew on the phone to the police while I was kicking at his door on the main road what people must have thought I was doing I don’t know I was screaming and banging kicking the door my hands were actually bleeding all can’t stress enough how real what actually happened is I haven’t talked much I just don’t talk my partner brings it up and I calm up I should have done more I found letters that he had been diagnosed with heart disease in 19 and he didn’t say it kills me every day he didn’t say anything about I would have done more been there more instead of working I hate myself for that something I don’t think I can forgive myself for I smell his smell every day and it kills me inside I just want to see him so bad always said I’ll get a picture next time next time but that never came I don’t have a picture of us other than when I was a child just don’t know what to do anymore I know it will come in time but I just think it’s not and can’t stop thinking I should have done more if I had been going up I would have seen signs or even there when it happened and could have saved him all this just keeps rolling round in my head and I’m just stuck
Thank you for listening xxx

I totally get what you mean about being stuck with those thoughts. They kept going round and round in my head for quite a while. They still do sometimes. The difference now is I can kind of reason with them. I could not have predicted my Dads death and nor could you have predicted your Dads. For whatever reason your Dad chose not to tell you about his heart and had you known it is unlikely the outcome would have been any different. You, like I, could not have been with our Dads 24 hours a day and even if we were, who’s to say we could have saved them. It sounds like you were a loving, caring daughter to your Dad and you must stop beating yourself up. He wouldn’t want that.

It’s important to talk. Whether it be to a professional, a family member, friend or even a stranger!!! Xxx

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