Thank you so much ,l do think of all the happy memories we had but the bad time creeps back in sending hugs
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I think I know why people don’t talk about the elephant in the room. They don’t know how we’ll react and especially if we burst into tears. So I don’t think these people are uncaring they just don’t understand how we feel or what we need so skirt around the subject to avoid putting both us and themselves in a situation they don’t know how to handle. As a 17 year old I lost my Dad and of course my Mum was in pieces. I now know that my grief wasn’t the same as hers and I didn’t know what to say to her at the time as she was always in tears. My Mum passed away 2 years later and I was again hit with grief. When my wife of nearly 48 years lost her brief battle with Cancer in April I think I expected my grief to be similar to when I lost my parents but oh how very very wrong I was and it’s only you people in this same nightmare that understand.I long for a hug from my wife but as that’s impossible,a hug from anyone would help. Pity the NHS can’t prescribe a hug. One day at the hospital my wife’s alarms went off and I was quickly led away by a senior nurse while a team rushed in to work on her. That nurse asked me if I was OK and when I said no and burst into tears she hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. I wonder if she knew just how comforting and helpful that hug was. Maybe we should start a hug club,to be able to really weep long and hard on someone’s shoulder would be nice.
I too live in a seaside town which I ventured into a few weeks ago. Oh dear,everyone rushing around in their everyday lives just like Pam and I used to. Now it was so different,alone and in slow motion. I forced myself to do the usual route around the shops,even went into a few but it was so upsetting because she wasn’t with me. Doing chores takes your mind off things just until that sledgehammer of grief finds you again.
I suspect like me you constantly talk to your loved one in your head and out loud too. Sometimes that makes me smile. When I wash up the frying pan I hear her say " you better not be using a scourer on that non stick pan" and I find myself saying out loud don’t worry,look,I’m not using a scourer,and that makes me smile.
I do hope you find even some tiny little thing that helps,even if it’s only for a minute or two.
We’ll all get through this,we have no choice. Away from the rants we can have on here we unfortunately have to suffer in silence.
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Hello thank you for your post,how l relate to everything you wrote,my nightmare started 4yrs ago when my husband had a major stroke,lift changed that day,but he pulled through,and l knew he was coming home,but he was a shell of the man before the stroke,we had to move,sell the car,and adapt to a new life but we were together,my companion,soul mate ,but this time he’s not coming home,he was lucky in the sense he was only diagnosed a few months before he passed away,l feel the same l just want someone to hug me ,l talk to him all the time,l just want to scream with the pain you feel and shout ar people,they have no idea what it feels like,l lost my mum last November at the grand age of 95 but that is nothing like this ,l don’t want to loose that smell of his aftershave,the pillow he laid on ,l can see him sitting on the sofa,l know by reading all the posts none of us are alone, bless you all
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Sending you a big hug!
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Hi Ginny,so sorry to hear of your loss,it’s still very early days .
Family don’t always understand , I lost my husband to Mesothelioma last November,we had been married for almost 54yrs.Tbh I don’t think I will ever get over it .There are times when I feel so alone ,my eldest son has turned his back on me , the youngest one is here when it suits him.But I have my granddaughter aged 13yrs who help me thru , but again I cannot put to much on her .
I have a great support of friends,although couples seem to stand back.
But I go to 2 bereavement groups,which is a great help , we talk, quiz ,dine ,have buffets , coffee etc .
I was very wary on my first visit not knowing what to expect, but we all have something in common , a very very sad loss ,full of emotions, but what a great support we all are to each other.They understand me .
I have bad days and better days .
But always feel free to message,this site helps ,we are here for each other.
Sending hugs to you ,tc x
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Kids Angel, It is good to hear from you, You are lucky to be able, as you say you, " To go to 2 bereavement groups, which is a great help , we talk, quiz ,dine ,have buffets , coffee etc . ". I am also lucky as there is a bereavement cafe in my village that meets once a month, I wish there were more about as some of our members here do not have that help.
Out Vicar was instrumental is setting it up, partly because they know who is recently bereaved and likely to want to go. Thankyou for sharing.
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I went to a bereavement cafe for the first time yesterday. Arrived late as I was under the impression you drop by anytime,have a cuppa and mingle and chat. Nope,they were all sitting around a square of set up tables,like you might see on tv AA meetings. I was about to leave when I was spotted by an old friend that lost her hubby a couple of years ago and I got dragged in,lol. Well I sat and listened to the chat and was more upset when I left than before I went. On first impressions it’s not for me,although they told me it’s difficult to begin with there. I promised to go to the next one in two weeks time,I’m willing to give it a chance seeing as everyone there said it helps.I think the other two men there were glad to see another man as we were well outnumbered by women,lol. Of course the inevitable poem was read out,I blocked myself from listening to it because every poem I’ve heard that is read to grief stricken people always without fail have words that grab your heart and twist it violently and start you crying. I cannot for the life of me see any comfort in those kind of words,they are sad poems for even a perfectly happy non grieving person. Luckily for me no one mentioned religion,if you find comfort in it that’s brilliant,I’m not knocking it but I personally don’t have a God and if I did I’d be absolutely fuming at him/her for putting me and my family through this nightmare. When any of you find the tiniest thing that helps you through the days,then grab it with both hands and tell us on here what it is. We’re all ears and any idea is worth a try.
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Andy, When I went to my first Bereavement Cafe meeting, As I was given the name label I said, don’t be surprised if I just get up and walk out, The organiser just said, and if you want to walk back in after a bit just do it. I did not really join in for the first couple of sessions, but it grew on me, I know that it is not for everyone, just that it has helped me.
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Thanks Rob,I’m willing to give it a fair chance and it might even help.
I also have an assessment call happening next week which will then get me one to one,face to face councelling so fingers crossed I’ll eventually feel life has a purpose again.
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I am so very sorry for your loss!
Hi ,I am fully aware that bereavement groups are not for everyone, but I would say give it a go if only a few sessions.They are wonderful people, plus you may strike up a friendship ,
In our groups ,there is an available room should any one wish to take time out or have a 1-2-1 chat with the organiser,which is always nice to know.
Just knowing we are not alone ,that there is someone to listen and talk to is a great help.We are there for each other , as is this group , if we need to talk ,vent or question we are here.
My thoughts are with you all ,take great care , a step at a time x
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Hi ginny
Sorry to hear about your loss i also lost my husband off 44years it is coming up for 5 years this sept i feel it never gets any easier and your so right people dont understand when you have loved someone for that long how hard it is when one is left behind what do you do with your life i am also struggling with all of it and i do not know what to do i feel talking about paul helps me but then i feel that others dont want me to so you do not know what to do for the best my family are good with me but its pauls family that are not and that is the worst of all for me ,all we can do is talk to one and other on here and hope that we are helping each other
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Thank you for your post,it is sad to think that we feel so alone,people who have family that understand what when you lose your soulmate after so many years what you are going through,why do we have to put on that brave face all the time WHEN they visit,l know they don’t want the tears all the time but a hug or just being there would be something,l have up to now only seen my grandson ,someone to talk to in the last 14 days the loneliness is unbearable you just tread water to get through the day,l talk to my husband all the time,l find it helps and as for so called friends,where are they now ,it’s all the same we will come and see you ,you know there never going to come or even phone with excuses,l think by reading all the posts everything we are experiencing seems to be normal ,l am grateful for all of peoples love that you read in the posts take care
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Hi Ginny,
I am sorry you feel that way.
You are not alone, what you’re going through does not sound easy. I lost my husband nearly 8yrs now and I still feel like it was just yesterday.
Thank you for sharing how you feel.
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Hi ginny
Thanks for the post it is so nice to talk to someone who understands what it is we are going through i talk to paul all the time and why shouldn’t we talk to them they where a big part of our lives and it never leaves us at all i think i am stupid to still be in love with him ,he was my first love and my last 
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Absolutely agree with talking out loud to our loved one and it makes me smile when I know exactly what reply I’d get sometimes if she were here. Of course,the dog looks at me as though I’m crazy,lol.
Probably best not to talk to them out loud in the shops though,unless you actually want everyone to give you wide berth,lol.
Being loved and in love with someone for over 47 years was great and I’m very much the romantic type,she on the other hand would be the first to admit romantic things didn’t come naturally to her but it never stopped me coming up with romantic surprises. I’m going to miss that dreadfully. I know we all miss our loved one so very very much but still hoping the pain will ease eventually.
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Hi Sassychic
I talk to my late husband everyday too, although I’m sure he’s looking down and knows whats happened. It’ll be 2 years in September I lost him so still early days. My biggest disappointment was my elder brother who has only seen me a few times in all that time. I was particularly low one day and rang to ask if I could pop up to visit and the answer was sorry, we have family visiting! Put me firmly in my pecking order and I’ve given up now even asking, but should I ever get the invite I feel like giving him the same reply. Our late mum and dad would be so disappointed in the way he deserted me in that hour of need. I was close to suicide that night but thank God my younger brother came to my rescue. People really don’t understand, until it happens to them, how desperately we want our soulmates back everyday, no matter how long we are bereaved. Knowing I can ‘rant’ on this forum gives me a release for my anger at my situation.
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Hi
I am so very sorry for your loss and the hurt you are going through. Talk to people on here. Unfortunately we are all in the same boat in one way or another?
Sending you a big hug.
You are doing it, you are surviving it may not feel that way but well done !!!
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Hi Andy68,
That’s what I’m hoping too. Where pain is bearable and I don’t have to hide it when it hurts so bad. I’ve distracted myself over the years and now my distractions ‘no longer working’ (someone said this on one of my assessment). Maybe she is right.
I can only run for so far eventually my body is so tired and I had to stop and face it.
Hi to everyone,
It is so helpful to share feelings on this website and know that you are not the only person suffering the most horrendous loss possible. I take some comfort from the kindness and understanding, I feel so awful sometimes when people say in all innocence ‘ but you are doing so well’ they don’t realise that most of the time in public you are existing behind a painted smile. Try to stay strong and hugs to all, 
Trish x
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