I lost my husband Christmas 2016, and I still can’t accept that he is gone. I find it really hard to grieve as I don’t want to upset my family. Everyone assumes that I am coping with it, as it has been nearly 2 years but inside I feel anger and pain. A lot of people talk about moving forward, part of me don’t want to as that means that I am getting over the loss and that thought scares me xx
Hello Liv61. You may not drop by the forum again but I just wanted to say I thoroughly agree with your sentiments as I too lost my Husband in end 2016. I recognise in myself all the things you’ve said. The anger is such an exhausting emotion isn’t it. I understand you don’t want to upset your family so you hold it in and if you are anything like me, there’ll be days when you think you’ll explode with the pressure of doing so. If I could tell you anything that would help you, I wouldn’t hesitate. Just keep going as best you can, sending love. Tina
Hello liv61, my lovely husband died two years ago today. In many ways , the second year was harder than the first, as inevitably their presence recedes and the loneliness grows. I’m told how well I’m doing by everyone and I do keep very busy. In some ways I’m probably more social than I used to be . But I feel as though I am in a play and acting a part; nothing seems very real, and underlying everything is a deep well of loss and loneliness that at times I feel will overwhelm me. All we can do is keep going one step at a time , knowing that death is a natural part of life and trying to enjoy the good bits along the way. I have found that what has really helped me is meditation . I hope things get easier for you. Jay70
Good morning Liv. I absolutely understand about not wanting to move forward but I don’t think we need worry as we will never get over losing our loved ones. That simply is not an option. They are a part of us and will always remain a part of us. As we move forward we begin to live again, smile, laugh but always with an element of sadness and longing which can never leave us. Grief is for life.
I agree with Jay70, we become incredible actors and because of this people do believe we’re coping well, but what they don’t see is the surge of grief which can overwhelm us at anytime and without warning. Jay also mentioned meditation which I think I might try too. The thing which helps me is writing a journal to my husband and telling him everything, what I’ve done that day, who I’ve seen, how I’m feeling. It really works. Sometimes I can’t wait to get home to write and tell him something which is how it used to be. Of course the journal is a poor replacement for doing it for real but it’s better than nothing and it helps.
I lost my husband very suddenly in June 2017 so it will be 18 months at Christmas. The loss is one thing but the shock is something else. He was a very fit and healthy man with never so much as a common cold. There are times when I still can’t believe he’s gone.
Sending love xx
Liv, hi hon, two years ago for me too. I know I will never get over the loss of my Ken, and I neither know nor care what “getting over it” would even mean, and in all honesty I don’t actually WANT to get over it. But I’m making little inroads into moving forward, and I can only do this because I know I take my sweetheart forward with me. I think there’s a huge difference between “getting over it” and moving forward, but I totally get what you mean - moving forward can mean that people will wrongly assume you’re “all better now”, which, as we know, is pure bollocks. I have tried - not always successfully - to tuck my grief away so as not to upset or worry my family, but it’s really essential to have times where you can safely vent it.
I’m sorry you’re a member of this ghastly club, Liv. Lots of love,
Thinking of you today, Jay - or tonight, as it is in Australia. For various reasons, I’ve also found the second year harder in some ways xo
Also, Liv, you say you can’t accept that your husband is gone. Can I just say I never use the word “accept”? To me it’s condescending; it smacks of platitudes that tell the bereaved what to do, and asks of me something I’m not prepared to give. I KNOW my man died, as surely as you do. But our hearts, minds and spirits need time to accommodate the fact - and I like the word “accommodate” far better than “accept” – it implies a sense of my soul making room for this painful truth in its own time xxoo
And as we’ve said before, our lovely Mrs Plummer, our husband’s may have died but they’re not dead…
Absolutely, beautiful lady. Dead physically does not mean dead spiritually - the most essential part of them lives and is with us always. Love to you, Kate xxoo