Thanks @Ally6 just the response from friends who actually understand what were going through is a positive 
thank you. I know that youāre going through this too. Iām just sick of fighting everything within me to get through a day and for what. And Iām also aware that everyone else is sleeping, something we donāt seem to do xx sending love
Oh @Anna_321 Iām so sorry, your anniversaries this weekend are the most difficult times to overcome so Iām sending you heaps of love back 
Itās crap this isnāt it, constant overwhelming grief for our adorable mums, and us trying to get through each day without them. Iām exhausted with trying to work out how I get through this. Week in week out, I feel like Iām no further forward with dealing with this xx sending love to you
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How are you all doing this week? Iām going to reach out again for some counselling tomorrow with my GP and private health care provider, Iām having a brutal time, i miss my mum so much and just want to talk about her, but nobody mentions her at all, which Iām finding really hard. Itās as if sheās just been forgotten. Xx
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Oh @VictoriaB1, Iām so sorry youāre having such a hard time. 
Itās relentless isnāt it.
Iām in the most awful of places too. The numbness has come back & Iām in limbo & (still) completely disengaged from the world. It took 4 days of thinking about it to make it to the supermarket. As each day came I pushed it to the next.
You should hopefully get counselling quickly through work. Months ago I felt desperate to get counselling & went onto waitlists but now I wouldnāt be able to talk or engage if my place comes up.
Are you able to talk to your sibling at all?
We have to all meet up as I think we are the only ones who really understand 
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@Sienna1 I just want to check that you are ok?
Completely understand if you need time away from here
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@Anna_321 As outrageous as it sounds, and Iām being completely honest here, nobody gets what weāre going through, nobody only us, and I feel like Iām at a point where I need to do something. What, I have no idea.
Anna, sending you so much love and support youāre right, nobody gets it, weāre on our own here and youāre own experience breaks me to hear how difficult it is just to go out and do the shopping. I keep thinking that we need to get each other through this, Iām rock bottom this week but I think that we can help each other in some way. Iām in London next week for work ladies, Iām staying over at Euston on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Is anyone free to meet up? Xxā:kissing_heart:
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@Sienna1 im with Anna here, are you ok ? Xxā:kissing_heart: sending love xx
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Yes Iād love to meet up, though I donāt know what state Iāll be in as Iām all over the place these days
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Ive got counselling starting next week- i had some free sessions with the local hospice which was great, but they can only offer a limited number of sessions then you have to go back on the waiting list. So it felt like finally i had someone to be honest with, and it stirred up loads of thoughts, but the next moment suddenly i was back on my own again 
So these sessions are paid for, but they have a fee structure based on income which is great as im not earning.
Im really struggling because mums house is under offer and i am constantly on edge wondering when Iāll get an email requesting a completion date. Im still living at mums - i have my own house but i left it empty to care for mum for her final year, and its the only place i feel close to her. I can see and hear her in every room, and the whole place is full of memories of decorating it for her/helping her choose furnishings/looking after the garden for her. Ive been gradually sorting through her items and have already donated loads but there is still so much left to do. I am completely terrified of the day when i am forced to return to my own place and worry that im going to have some massive meltdown/anxiety attack. Ive got some of mums items in my house, but i just dont feel her there because she only ever managed to visit a couple of times.
Sending hugs to all today
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Itās so overwhelming at times trying to be a mum yourself looking after your own children albeit grown up 30 and 23 daughters but they need me as they are sad missing their Nan (my mum) stay strong xxx
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Thatās a lot to deal with @Ally6 & it sounds like the counselling is coming at the right time to help you cope with selling the house.
Iām wondering if you should start staying at your own house a night or two so you can get used to it again.
Is your place far from your mumās?
Iām sure you thought of this but was there any way you could maybe sell your place & keep your mumās?
Sending massive hugs
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Hi @Anna_321 @VictoriaB1 and all friends,
Sorry not been active recently on here as Iāve had a few personal issues on top of my grief and life without mum.
In short I had a health scare myself and had scans today which confirm I am all clearā¦ thank god, the angels, universe and everything, it is the biggest relief. I feel that it has made me look at things so differently, 2 weeks ago I was at a point where I was at my lowest point, waiting to die due to my miserable life with no purposeā¦ thatās how I felt only 2 weeks ago.
Now having faced the possibility of illness has made me think I need to live the life I have. So much has happened over the past 2 weeks. I have had signs from mum too. I believe Iāve been given a new life. Absolute nightmare the past week, but I am through it. Iām still feeling unwell but itās not life threatening 
x
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@Anna_321 @VictoriaB1 same here, I would love to meet too, but I may have to give next week a miss as I got a bit of pain at the moment and mentally traumatised by my health scare, I think I need duvet days for a short while. However I definitely want to meet you both soon, maybe the next time you are down xxx
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Sorry to hear this, thatās a lot to processā¦really wish you could keep that home or delay it at least until you are ready, is that a possibility ? X sending love x
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Am glad to hear that your scans are clear @Sienna1 - that must have been a real worry for you Take it easy and enjoy those duvet days with hopefully some peace of mind now you have the results
No, sadly i cant delay the house sale - i have 2 brothers so we are having to agree timelines that suit all of us. In answer to your question @Anna_321 i did contemplate buying mums house but financially it would have been difficult, and its not a particularly nice area - i wouldnt choose to live here if it wasnt for mums house. And i think id always be waiting for mum to come home, like im just keeping it ticking over for her 
so my heart would love to stay but my head knows it probably isnt the right thing long term 
How are you doing today @VictoriaB1 ? Sorry i dont think i could face a trip to London next week but i hope you and Anna are able to meet up
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Hi @Anna_321 @Sienna1 @Ally6
Sounds like weāre all having a tough start to the year, Iām hoping that things feel a bit easier as we go into February and spring sending love to you all and Iāll let you know when Iām in London again maybe March when itās a bit nicer weather, would be lovely to have a get together and share our stories of our mums and hopefully support each others journey.
Itās a chapter in life that is becoming extremely difficult to navigate through xx
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Hi @Sienna1,
You donāt know how happy it made me to read your message of wanting to fight to get your life back. Your mum is surely sending you the strength to get yourself back on track.
It gives me so much hope
Have you started your counselling yet?
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
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I hope you have special things of your mumās to have at your house to hold when you sell @Ally6.
Youāre making the right decision hard though it is. Your mum is everywhere you are. Youāre part of her & she lives on through you. I hope your brothers are able to support you through this.
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Itās just so hard @VictoriaB1. The world keep turning & Iām stuck
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Thank you so much x I am so relieved, as I thought I may have the same as what my mum had. I had to face a lot of fears the past week by going to the same hospital and departments I took mum to and where mum passed, I cried in front of the doctors many times when talking about mum as they needed to know family history. I am grateful for my life but also felt immediate guilt for getting the clear as mum didnāt, but I know sheās looking over me.
I didnāt go through with the counselling ! I cancelled it as I was getting so anxious and afraid of opening up and then being left to deal with the pieces. This health scare has shaken me right up now, Iām seeing things differently
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