@Ellie76 im so sorry to hear that you have lost your dad, and only 5 months ago, it must still be so raw, it still feels like yesterday for me with mum. It sounds like you have had a traumatic experience with the care home and the care given to your dad. The loss and grief is overwhelming and there is nothing in the world we can do to bring them back. There are no words. It is day by day, step by step, getting through each day is incredibly difficult. I can understand how you must be feeling. Something I find difficult to accept is the lack of care our loved ones received but as we are all in such shock and genuinely do not have the strength to fight this, but it is not ok. Weāre all here to support one and other, this group has been a lifeline to me, the understanding and empathy is genuine and it does help. I hope youāre looking after yourself as best you can and weāre all here for you xx
Oh @Ally6, the messages like that are so offensive some days, I know what you mean. No, weāre not ok and if you say no, youāre not ok, youāre completely broken inside and life is never going to be the same, neither are we, they just often donāt have anything to reply with that offers support, which is so sad, as Iām sure itās not their intentions. Youāre mumās response is probably the easiest, I say that with a smile as your mum probably felt a similar way, to go into details as to why she wasnāt would have been too exhausting. Sending love to you and hope that we all get through another day together with some kind of peace and strength from somewhere xx
@Niks7089 it sounds like you have a full glass, week in week out, it is incredibly hard to focus and function. You are doing amazingly well Niks to do what youāre doing. You should give yourself credit, and the strength that youāre showing will unbeknown to you, give others strength too. Sending love xx
@Ally6 Iāve stopped telling people how I feel except one friend and my partner.
Itās just easier to tell them Iām ok.
Recently I replied with -itās been difficult but Iām trying to organise my life. The response was: once youāve sorted your life you can help me too because I might not have a job soonā¦. Yes because itās so comparable to losing a loved one.
Iām trying to appease people so they feel that Iām not ignoring them and also stops them coming to my home without notice! It just makes it easier as I donāt think people want to hear how we really feel.
Have you replied yet ?
I think your mumās approach will save your energy and avoids listening to their replies, which will probably not be what you want to hear x
Your mum sounds just like mine x
People would call my mum and she would be asking them about their latest home purchase and decor of their new homes (trivial matters) whilst mum was bedridden and drained out completely after treatment, she never ever complained, and these people didnāt even ask mum about her treatment which used to infuriate me.
Our mums were made of something else, what amazing women we had in our lives x I do feel lucky to have had mum x but I also miss her every single moment and always will 
I can completely understand about responding to people saying youāre fine, it feels so far from the truth but it takes so much strength to not fall apart if I gave the right answer and I wonder if anyone actually wants to hear the truth anyway ?
I have this awful feeling of reality that I will feel this until my dying day and itās unreal. Itās already feels so long since I have heard her voice and itās only almost 17 months
Really nicely put @Sienna1, we had the best mums in the world 
How are you doing? Iām in London next week if you fancy a coffee, probably Wednesday or Thursday? @Anna_321 and anyone else who may fancy a coffee and cake in central London, our own counselling grievance group xx
Thank you @VictoriaB1 @Sienna1 @kaz511 - i ended up being honest and saying i didnt know how to answer the question! Yes, in one breath my mum would say āim fineā to any visitor whilst simultaneously struggling to walk around the house, grabbing onto furniture to stop herself falling. 
Yesterday marked 500 days since i lost her - thatās 500 lots of ātake one day a timeā 
. My brain cant comprehend how the world has moved on by 500 days when i feel like im stuck in one place.
ām currently at work, but my dad is on his own until my son arrives after work. I keep wanting to check in on him because I know heās really struggling. Heās had his lunch and is now sitting down, but my heart aches for him after losing my mum on New Yearās Eve 2024. I canāt begin to imagine what heās going through.
Iām not feeling great myselfājust completely worn out. Iāll be back with my dad tomorrow after work and staying with him until Monday night.
Is anyone else looking after their dad or mum after a loss? Sending love. xx
@Niks7089 I am in a similar situation as you too. After losing Mum in October 2023 my Dad age 78 is now on his own and the sheer responsibility of worrying and thinking of him the whole time is something I completely under estimated. I have 2 younger brothers but to be honest are no help at all so itās pretty much on me. It seems that no matter what I do Iām just so sad for him and I donāt even think Iāve begun grieving for my own loss yet. It really is awful, I feel so helpless.
@kaz511 sorry for your loss. I do have a brother and son that helps out, but i do more as i work from hone 3 times a week the 2 days in the office. I just feel dads pain, i will always protect him. I do house work, shopping, bills washing. What do or did you do to support your dad in words. My dad says why did she leave me. Xx
@Niks7089 I got my Dad a photo of Mum framed some time ago and he says he speaks to her all the time, I think that helps him. He is quite self sufficient in getting his own shopping and around the house etc, he likes to keep busy but does have a lot of down times so I try to say that Mum would want us to keep going and help each other. Itās very hard supporting someone when you are going through this at the same time.
@kaz511
It is hard. We got a picture frame with four pictures of mum put on the wall. He does talk to mum. He wants the same frame but with the family in it. I do online shopping fir dad, he does house work. Trys to get back into his hobbie of doing tools up in his garage.
I just broke down this morning i didnt know how to deal with it.
@Niks7089 Bless you but if you are like me then breaking down is a sign that Iāve held it all in for a while and needs releasing. Iām finding that the responsibility of making sure my Dad is ok really takes itās toll sometimes, so all that on top of the grief, which is probably still under the surface, itās no wonder we are so overwhelmed 
@kaz511 i cannot cope with this pain. I wake up every morning, with worry, fear, and tears. I stay with my dad alot, as he is from old school where the wife done alot. My dad is capable in doing things, but washing, bills his not. As well as going through my grief i am trying to support dads grief. I am worrying about how he is coping, worrying about his feelings. I just cannot handle this pain anymore. I am broken 
@Niks7089 Sending you hugs. It is still so early days and the most awful trauma to be going through. How is Dad in himself day to day ? Can he function ? Aside from the grief of course. My Dad had some mental health issues before Mum was diagnosed and is still on medication, which to be honest has probably helped whilst he is going through this. Do you think he would be ok by himself at home ?
@kaz511 thank you. Dad is getting by as much as possile. His been put on medication. My dad is looking after himself, he just doesnt have energy to do his hobbie which is buying tools doing them up and selling them. He sits alot watching tv x