Loss of my mum

Hi. My mum died last Thursday from bowel cancer. We had known for just over a year, she declined over that time but was fairly well until 6 weeks ago from which time she was in bed and had daily district nurse visits and injections. There was a decline each week and so it was not a shock when it came but strangely it still was. I was not ready for the feeling of emptiness. It feels like when your mum is in this world there is a feeling of reassurance that you don’t consciously realise is there until it suddenly disappears. These last few months have been hard for her and I thought I would feel some type of release for her but I just feel empty. To talk about her and the loss is upsetting but its worse when conversations turn to other things and I think how can we be talking about anything else my mum is dead. I know its very early days but how do you start to care about other things.

Hi Claire, sorry about your mum, it definitely does take time. It’s been almost four months for me and it is still very difficult to just move on. There are others here who find it difficult to move on after a year. You need to talk about your mum as much as you need to, so this forum will help. In real life I rarely talk to people about bereavement now, because people expect you to be ok after a few months, but here I know I can talk about it whenever I need to.

Hi. Claire. Welcome. It takes courage to come on here and open up to strangers. It’s not something our British instincts allow us to do, but you have taken a wise decision. You are among friends here, fellow sufferers. Bereavement is not an illness, although it may feel that way at times, but a process. It’s Natures way of allowing us to cope despite all the pain and distress. Emotions must be allowed to come, and there is nothing to ever be ashamed of in bereavement. You will cope in your own individual way.
No matter how long someone suffers, or how long you expect them to live, it still comes as a shock as much as does sudden death. Listening to others rambling on about other things can make you want to scream. But they are not suffering as you are, so how could they possibly understand. ‘How can they go on talking like that when I am in the pit of despair’? I do know!
It’s far too soon to even think about the future . Take it day by day, even hour by hour. You can do no more than that . It’s good you are here, so please come back and talk to us who understand what you are going through
Blessings. John.

Hi claire
I’m sorry to hear about the recent passing of your mum. All I can say is that very slowly with time, you do turn conversations and attention to other things. It wont feel like it now. My mum died suddenly 13 months ago and I still cry several times a week. Life will never be the same for me. My mum was my best friend and her death wasnt expected. She went into hospital for an overnight stay and had a massive brain hemorrhage while she was there. She died a few hours later.
I still struggle with the fact that no one mentions her and everyone just gets on with life. This is going to be a long journey but the pain and rawness does very gradually lessen.
Cheryl x

Thank you. The hour by hour is helpful I have thought about getting through days but sometimes that is a long time to know you have to deal with. Hourly more bitesize. t really does help to hear from others who understand. Today the order of service was printed its perfectly fine but I don’t understand why my mum’s photo is on the front. Obviously I do know logically but emotionally I just stared at it and couldn’t make sense of it. It was a photo thst would normally be in a frame but instead is on an order of service.

Over a year down the line and I feel the same. I rarely look at photos of my mum but when i do, i just sit there thinking how? How can she be gone? How can it be over a year since i chatted to her? Looking at photos just remind me of my loss. Having her photo on the order of service just doesnt make sense.

thank you and I am so sorry for your loss. It was hard knowing it was coming but it must be so hard when it comes from nowhere. Yes I agree photos are difficult. Also I think we didn’t take so many photos in the last few years and so many photos are before she had problems again and so she looks so well. I am trying to work on my thoughts and catching some of the unhelpful ones which usually have the word ‘never’ in them as they revolve around all the things I will not have again. My mum fought many illnesses in her life and I think she would want us to go forward which I want to do although the mum-size hole is difficult to live with at the moment

Thank you and I am so very sorry for your loss. I already find it so helpful just to be able to write a few lines knowing there are people who do understand. I find even with close relatives it is difficult as they are grieving too and sometimes if they are having a better day I feel like to get upset brings them down. I am told the first step is acceptance that she is gone. I think I partially accept it but sometimes it still feels unreal and like a long dream that I will wake up from. I feel for you that people don’t speak about it anymore, I think that is my fear, lives go back to normal and people forget.

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Completely agree claire xx

I completely understand where you’re coming from. When you laugh you feel guilt for it. When I let others hold my baby boy I feel guilt that my Mum never got to hold him but they have.
I think these things tend to “get easier with time” as everyone says but when? It’s so hard.