Hi, my beautiful mum, my best friend, my everything passed away unexpectedly on Xmas day morning leaving me in total shock. She’d had a cold a few days before Xmas. Myself & my children were going to be going there for the afternoon on Xmas day & staying the night but I decided to drive over in the morning to make sure that she felt well enough for us. As I was driving (only mins away) I got a call from my dad (who was in shock) saying ‘mums gone’. Tbh it’s a bit of a blur now, I just remember saying loudly whilst driving ‘no she’s not gone, pls God don’t let her be gone’. When I arrived an ambulance was there & my poor mum was laying out cold on the bathroom floor. My heart broke.
She had COPD but i later found out that she also had chronic leukaemia which she kept from me & my dad. She didn’t want to worry us. My sister knew but said that nothing was life threatening. We later found pills that mum should have been taking & inhalers that she should have been using daily. I’d never seen her with an inhaler.
I loved my mum so so much, we spoke every day & she was the first person I called for literally everything but I’m struggling with my emotions right now. I’ve felt shock, I’ve felt guilty that I didn’t see how poorly she was & that I didn’t take better care of her & then I’ve felt angry with her because she’s hadn’t been taking her medication or told us how poorly she was feeling… if she had of then she might still be with us now. I cry at night but during the day it’s like I switch off. It’s so hard to explain, I actually feel heartless because I know I should be feeling more pain but it’s like I’m numb, like I’m blocking it out. How can I not be crying every day, I don’t get it. I collected her ashes today & yes I’m sad but I still feel numb. Surely this has got to hit me at some point, how can it not, she literally meant everything to me & was my total rock through a really tough 4 years of my life 
Hello @MumsLove,
I’m Seaneen, and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. It sounds like this was so sudden and shocking for you. Your loss is very recent and I just want to reassure you that the feelings of shock, guilt and numbness you are experiencing are completely normal, and that you are not alone.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out.
Take care,
Seaneen
Thank you so much for your message, I will definitely have a look at those bits. I’m normally quite an emotional person but I just feel cold & heartless right now & I don’t get it
Hi I’m so sorry for your loss. You are most probably still in shock and the added heartache of your loss being on Christmas day. It was so unexpected for you and I really understand how you are feeling. I lost my dear mum unexpectedly 4 months ago. She had heart failure which we were told was stable, but she ended up suddenly having a cardiac arrest and I found her after around half an hour or so… it was too late.
I too blame myself for not realising mum was as ill as she was in the days before and not insisting she went to hospital. All I know is mum had had enough of doctors, check ups, procedure etc, but I’m beating myself up by thinking I should have known. Did she feel she was dying in those last few days? Guilt is such a common emotion in grief, especially in the early days.
I think ultimately we have to understand that sometimes our mums keep us in the dark to try and protect us from heartache and worrying. As hard as it is for us to understand, we have to accept their decisions about their health and respect them, even though its heartbreaking for us left behind. Sending love and strength to you.