Loss of my partner & all the things we'll never do

I lost my partner suddenly a few weeks ago and I don’t know what to do with myself. He was my rock, we were soulmates. I have never clicked with anyone the way I did with him. We lit each other up and we made each other laugh all of the time. We never argued, we were both soo similar. We used to say the same things, we loved the same foods, music, films, interests. We used to joke that we were more like each other than ourselves. We used to talk for hours every single day and now it’s all gone. We had so many plans for the future, so many things to look forward to. I wasn’t even with him when he passed, but I had spent some time with him a few hours beforehand. We, as usual, said the nicest things to each other. I guess I’m grateful that we said what was in our hearts that day, even though neither of us realised it would be our last ever contact. It’s killing me because one of the last things he said to me was ‘please don’t leave me, don’t ever leave me’. I promised him I could never leave him and we told each other how much we loved each other. We hugged and kissed. A few hours later he left me. I haven’t stopped crying since. I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t even try to escape the pain at work because we had worked closely together for many years. Our memories are all over both my personal life and my work life and it is consuming me.

Dear MrsSGF

I lost my lovely husband four months ago - although in some ways it seems like yesterday as time does not appear to have any meaning. I do know exactly how you are feeling - he was my life and like you we were so close we thought alike, finished each others sentences and had so many plans. We just clicked too from the day we met and were always best friends as well as loving each other and we did not argue either. He was one of life’s great romantics and I miss him so much I cannot think about a future without him. Slowly I am taking each day now as it comes -it was initially each hour. The only way I cope is to start a list at the beginning of the day and work through it - ticking things off. I am not really interested in anything but the things on my list stop me thinking too much. I have also found this forum and the people here so helpful and kind and I really think being able to’talk’ on here has got me through so far. I know I will always miss him-but I look for the signs he is still with me. I know that life will never be the same and that the life I have to forge ahead with will be different and I am determined to do it for him too. I know how much he loved me and if I could hear him he would be saying sorry love I didn’t want to leave you like this. So for him and our two grown up children I carry on and try and find something good in each day. Tell people how you feel here - there is always someone who will respond and try and help. We have all been there and are there still.

Take care

Trisha xx

Hi Trisha,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am sorry for your loss; not that words help much. I am trying to take one hour at a time at the moment. I cried constantly for the first few days, until I had no tears left. Last week I thought the pain was easing, just a little, but I now realise that was a temporary lull. I am back to crying a lot and feeling like I can’t breathe. I was always such a positive person, always happy and bubbly but this has broken me. Everything seems so empty and pointless. I’ve tried making lists but I just can’t concentrate on anything, including work, and within minutes I’m thinking about him and how much I miss him. I know he’d be devastated at the pain I am going through, and at leaving me when we had so much to look forward to, so much love and laughter to give each other. I can’t even explain how much we laughed together, so much chemistry. We never expected to find each other, he just dropped right into my life and knocked me off my feet. We texted each other all day long when we weren’t together. I forget sometimes and think about texting him about my day, just the little things that used to make us smile; we shared everything. He has left such a hole and I don’t know how to pick myself back up again. I hope things get easier for you and your children with time and thanks again for your kind words.

xx

I do know how hard it is - and I did not go back to work for 10 weeks - then went back on a phased return - and am still not back full time so I can understand completely how you cannot concentrate. Is there anyway you can take a bit of time off - maybe your doctor would sign you off for a while like mine did.
When I talk about lists those lists in the early days and sometimes still are a list of really simple things like - empty the dishwasher, put a load of washing on, just mundane tasks and of course you will think about him all the time. It is devastating and it is the loss of the future that is inconceivable and I cannot think past the next day or so - the joy seems to have gone for the time being. I hope not forever though but at present it is existing rather than living. I still think he will walk through the door - or is in his music room - and we used to chat all the time too - always on my way to and from work we would talk all the way there and I miss that so much. I always seem to cry when I am driving on my own now. For a while I still used to send texts to his phone as if he were still around - and was tempted last week to do the same. And think ‘I must tell Gary’ all the time. It is very hard and I can understand the hole in your life - there is a hole in mine too. As you say I am not sure how much words can help but you can talk on this site and know that everyone here is in the same miserable club. I talk out loud to him in the house and I have found writing in a journal telling him how I feel and what I am doing also helps. It is when I look back at this journal I can see I am coping much better than I did - it is just progress is so slow as you almost do not notice it. I do not know what else I can say to help you as grief is just awful and nothing prepares us for this and some people do not know what to say so say completely the wrong thing. Little steps - and remember the love you had was so special it does not just disappear he will always be in your heart .
Take care
Trisha xx

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