Hi. My partner Deb passed on Sunday at a Sue Ryder hospice. I had stayed overnight and it happened whilst I was asleep but Im thankful I was with her. The nurses and staff at Sue Ryder and Pure Cremation have been fantastic but i am in the early days and feel I’ll never get over the loss. Wherever I look I see something that triggers me and I break apart. I just want to set everything in order and carry out Debs wishes and see my grandchild born and I can’t see beyond that. I never knew grief could be so bad. Sorry to ramble but I see on here at least I am not alone in this and it does help. Thanks for reading.
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Geoffl
I am so sorry for your loss and no you are not rambling on at all. Write as much as you want to. And I was reminded of feeling when my husband died although wasn’t with him. Wish I had been but it is hard to do that as can’t be sure anyway when sometimes. How comforting for her for you to be there. Say as much as you want to say. And how often or as little is fine. Take care of yourself and do what feels best.
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@Geoff1 I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife in October and I was with her when she passed. The first weeks were horrendous and what shocked me was not just the emotional pain but the physical pain as well. The only advice I can give you is take your time to grieve and be open with those closest to you as they will be grieving too in their own way. You will find a lot of support here so keep posting as you need.
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Sorry for you loss ! Its a very strange world without our partners i know and everything you say makes perfect sense 
xx
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@Geoff1
So sorry for the loss of your wife. Yes, early days it’s total bewilderment and the massive pain of losing our partners could not have been imagined, certainly in my case. I would never have believed the depth of grief in losing my husband. We always knew we didn’t want to be here without the other but I still hadn’t imagined how truly debilitating it would be.
Ten months on and there is light in the days now. I miss him every day and tears are usually not far away but less overwhelming and less frequently.
Take your time and do what feels right bro you. I was told that whatever you are feeling is how you should be feeling in that moment.
You will hopefully find this site as supportive as the rest of us do. Nobody judges you here and you should feel free to write as much or as little as you like.
Sending love
Karen xxx
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Thank you so much to those who read and responded to my first post. I’m trying to get things sorted at the moment, heartless solicitors, an appointment with the registrar, Debs nhs pension (she was a nurse) etc and I am trying to sort things out. Its almost 3am and ive woken up and all i can think about is the times i shouted at her and made her cry God I wish I could have those times again I wouldnt say anything to upset her I’m so sorry. She had a cruel illness called multiple system atrophy which is similar to parkinsons but a lot lot worse. As a nurse she knew what was coming and tried to warn me but i think i was living in denial. She became bed bound after last July and was severely disabled before that. To see her slowly becoming so disabled after being so active and full of life hurt so much. I cared for her after she had to stop work and i regret so much the times i was horrid to her but i dont think it was her I shouted at but the illness. She was a loving, kind caring person and everyone loved her but no one more than me, and i always will. I miss her so much it hurts. Thank you for reading and I wish all of you well.
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@Geoff1 Your loss is very recent and you will still be in shock. This next phase dealing with the admin can be very tough. I had to limit myself to 3 tasks a day to survive it. After 4 months I’m close to sorting out the loose ends. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
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@Geoff1 Don’t beat yourself up about what happened. You were under terrible stress but you cared for and loved your wife. The frustration and anger at seeing her become more and more ill is understandable. I found at first that you cannot choose which memories flood back and sometimes all I could remember were bad moments however fleeting and these were blown out of proportion. I had to tell myself they happened but I could not change them or deal either differently now and they faded. I regretted not telling my wife that I loved her more often or that to me she was the most beautiful person in the world. You know you cared for your wife and you loved her and that is where you should focus as you start this unwanted and difficult grief journey. Keep posting when you need support.
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@Geoff1
You are a human and we are all fallible. Of course you got frustrated and wish you hadn’t but you are one person and I bet you were doing the work of many more AS WELL as loving your wife and having to watch her fade before your eyes.
She will have known that you loved her and it will have been a comfort to her to have you near, frustrated or not. You have also had the incredibly difficult situation of starting to grieve while she was still alive, just as @Mike75 did. I was spared that with my husband’s sudden death and he was spared the indignity which comes with all that. Each is an impossible loss to anticipate or experience, just different.
Do keep posting if it helps to get your feelings out. There are many who will help.
Love
Karen xxx
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I do understand, I’m sitting here alone and crying.
Take care and look after yourself, x
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@Clare21 So sorry for your loss. You are still at an early stage and crying and pain are a large part of grief. You are not alone here though and you can share your tears with us. Everyone will understand your grief. I lost my wife of 47 years in October. I still cry and expect that will probably never go away entirely. Post when you are down and you will find support from others on this path we never chose. Hugs
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@Clare21
As Mike says, perfectly natural and tears are simply an expression of our love after all. As someone wise said, they are love with nowhere to go.
I hope you will find lots of support on here. There are many members suffering this dreadful loss and here for each other.
Hugs
Karen xxx
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I too regret the times I wasn’t patient with my husband when he was doddery. I feel so sad. We were both struggling. In the pandemic there was just us two together mostly and I had to try to do what he would have had done had there been the out patient dept open ge used to attend. I struggled to notice what he asked me to do. He couldnt have his foot inspected properly so the result was he was storing up trouble further down the line. Not a lot could do about it. Not surprisingly afterwards he went downhill fast and I knew it. Just when we might have been able to do the last bit of going back to slowly do what we used to do that was it. I look round and see all what he did. I feel guilty when I am here alone trying to do what he did. He always got most of shopping and I get some because I don’t need so much. Apples sit in the bowl much longer now of course. I must try to do it for him. Because he told me not to worry it would be alright. He was always there to know how to do things I couldn’t do. That was one of the things I really valued. I wish I hadn’t been how I was. At other times and cross with how he made me unhappy by being thoughtless and all the mistakes we made and arguments but he seemed to think that shouldn’t happen but he had no idea as his mother never married so he had no role model to follow. I tried to tell him what was how it is. Being an only child he never seemed to know about having to share at first. Nor about lots things.
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@Enorac It’s another natural part of grieving to beat ourselves up about what we didn’t do and remember the bad parts but there will be so many good parts if you can persuade your mind to remember those more instead.
Hugs
Karen xxx
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Thank you, I so need the support at the moment. x
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Hugs to you too x
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Or as a counsellor said to me : grief is love looking for a home … i so hope we all find some love in whatever capacity that is from family/ friend/pet or whatever. My love is going on my new puppy xx
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Felt relieved that we all went to sort out my husband’s grave today and take off all the floral tributes and
let the grass recover underneath .
We planted some spring flowers in planters and left two containers so it didn’t look miserable.
His little grandsons helped and recognised their little baskets they had planted up before the funeral.
Because they were too young to go to the funeral it was closure for them to know where he was and to see all their relatives memorials in the churchyard. I want to get a headstone for my mother and my husband and a bench to sit by my husband’s grave as there used to be one by my mother’s grace but they took it away when it wasn’t maintained. Hence there was then hard for her to be removed. Some people don’t feel that is important but I have always found it helpful having a place. Gardening is therapeutic and so is flower arranging. But find it back breaking now so can only do it in small doses.
But it always helped before my husband died to sit in the churchyard. We knew we would end up there. But there were so many people we knew there. I was pleased his son helped me also replant the church planters we had always been doing together when my husband was alive. And nice to see the daffodils he planted flowering again. Thought he would be pleased his son helped me.
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Hi Geoff
I am so sorry for your loss. Your are not alone. I lost my husband on 30th December. The first 3 weeks were hard then day by day things got a little easier. The knot in my stomach went and I could eat a bit. This chat room is filled with beautiful caring people who helped me through it and told me the feelings I had were normal. Grief is not an emotion I want to experience on a regular basis. Even 10 weeks down the line I go over conversations I had and times we argued and shouldn’t have then I feel guilty. But I try to remember it’s a process that my body has to go through. I am back at work now and trying to rebuild my life. One of my hardest things to do is shop for one I find that so difficult. Always here for a chat
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@Angiesuggs I’m so sorry for your loss. People say try to keep the memories going but we can’t always choose which ones. I lost my wife of 47 years in October and at first a lot of the negative things kept popping up, mostly small but all out of proportion. I decided they had happened, none of them could be changed and they had all been dealt with at the time and they gradually faded as did the guilt about them. You are still in the early phases too so the grief will still catch you out. A friend of mine threw himself back into everything straight after he was bereaved and broke down later. He advised me to take my time and allow the grief time. I simply pass that on as it has helped me. Love and support to you on this journey. xx
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