Loss of my wife

My wife passed away 4 weeks 4 days ago after a long battle with cancer. I was with her for every appointment, scan, blood test, scan report, treatment. I now feel totally devastated, numb, extremely upset and it’s as though the future has been stolen from us. I started seeing a councillor last week but I feel it made it worse, does anyone else understand that?

Hi Gerard,

I’m so sorry to hear about your wife and it’s understandable that you’re feeling devastated, numb and upset. I’ve had counselling a couple of times before & the bereavement counselling I had when my Mum died certainly brought a lot of strong emotions to the surface. There were a couple of sessions where I just sobbed for the whole 45 minutes. Please keep going as it does really help in the end. I haven’t lost a partner but there are lots of people in the community who have & they will really understand how you’re feeling. Do you have any family nearby who can support you? Take care x

No my family are all over the UK, it’s difficult as I feel like the only person going through this as everyone around me seems to be just carrying on as normal. I want to say to them do you not know my wife has just died. I cannot do that because every time I think of her I cry

Hi Gérard 4 weeks is no time at all my husband and soul mate died 4 years ago last December and this afternoon a song came on the radio and I ended up sobbing for a good hour. I couldn’t get counselling for about 3 months after he died Cruse were so busy so I went private but to be honest you are probably still in shock so it might be a bit early to try counselling. From experience once the funeral is over people expect you to be getting over it! I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, time softens the sharp edges though and I have good days but still have bad days. I don’t have children and my brother lives up north so I have travelled this horrible road a lot of the time on my own,friends haven’t stepped up to the mark so we have drifted apart. This forum has been a great support as you know your not the only one in pain and hurting. Keep coming back here and read everyone’s journey, be kind to yourself don’t do anything to please other people do things at your own pace. Take care Marilyn x

Thank you, yes I am still in shock even though I had 3 years to prepare for my wife’s death, nothing really can prepare you for it though. It’s funny about friends as yes they have already started to drift away, I think it’s because they don’t know how to deal with it. I just don’t know what I will do without her, she was half my life and I just feel that our future has been stolen. Gerard

I don’t know what’s worse knowing it’s going to happen or sudden. My hubby went to work and didn’t come home he was 58. We were planning on moving to Lanzarote had flights booked to look for somewhere to live so like you I have not just lost the one I love but have lost my future as well. Take each day as it comes and keep coming back here to chat we all understand what your going through we are all at different stages. A friend of mine said last year “I’m not being funny but I thought you’d be feeling better by now” 4 years to her is a long time to me it could have been yesterday. People will shock you friends will crush you. take care Marilyn x

How true is that, we knew it would happen, we talked about it, we together fought for every extra day that she would be alive but it was not supposed to happen when it did. She only went into hospital for a routine blood transfusion and she never came out. We did everything together, we even went to the petrol station together to fill her car. I have tried to go to work but it’s too difficult, it’s even too difficult to go to the supermarket as we did that together. Jacqui was 60 and she died 19 days before our wedding anniversary and 20 before her birthday, how will I ever face February again. We too had a holiday booked to the Loire Valley to see Monets garden, that will never happen. Did you sleep? I can go to sleep but wake up very early every day, latest 5pm. Gerard x

Sorry should have said 5am, I have trouble concentrating x

She was young like my Brett. Anniversaries are the worst Brett died 18 December so a week later everyone was celebrating Christmas I sat in the chair numb. I met him on his birthday and married him on his birthday so I feel sick when March 2nd approaches. They are all big hurdles you have to jump unfortunately like I said take it a day at a time. You asked about sleep I would go to bed hardly able to keep my eyes open then as soon as my head got the pillow I was wide awake. I didn’t take sleeping tablets i must admit I hit the wine bottle a few times. I went back to work about 5 weeks after he died afternoons only but I couldn’t even write I was shaking so much so I retired. I had about a year off now I volunteer 2 days a week not what I had planned for my future but it gets me out. Keep busy but rest and take care of yourself work might be your solace I hope they’re understanding Marilyn x

They are they gave me anytime off I needed. I went to every appointment, every blood test, every scan day, every appointment with the doctor, every day she went for treatment, I never missed one day. I even sat in a chair every day and night she was ever in hospital, I did not want her to be alone or scared. I was scared for both of us but never showed it. When people say there is always someone for everyone Jacqui was my someone, we loved each other so much. The doctors make me go see them twice a week at the moment, they are worried for me as I am so distraught. Sorry x

Please don’t ever apologise you have had an awful shock losing the love of your life and I can understand your pain we’ve all been there and it’s a long hard road like I said time softens the hard edges but it’s taken me a long time I still can’t believe I’m never going to see Brett again. I think like Sheila says on this site we will probably grieve the rest of our lives big hugs x

I can not imagine the future without Jacqui, I honestly don’t know how to cope. Each day I wake and am shocked that she is not next to me

I know it’s not the future we had planned x

Hi Gerard, I lost my daughter six weeks ago and can empathise with some of your feelings. How can I lead a normal life again? I feel as though my world has ended. I am going to see my GP again tomorrow. People have said that the edges of our grief soften and maybevthat is all we can hope for. Take care x

Maybe that really is all we can hope for, I cannot feel anything at the moment. I know I will never ever forget her, she was my life and I hers. We will meet again one day I am sure of that x

I feel the same about my daughter. I am sure we will meet again one day. For now I have decided to focus on one day at a time … baby steps. I hope you sleep well. x

I go to sleep ok, it’s the waking up at 5am which is the problem. You sleep well and dream of happier times x

I found sleeping was my escape I hated waking up to the reality of that person I loved no longer being here.

I’ve had loads of Councelling and it does make it worse at first but keep going because it gradually gets better and it does help you understand what’s going on and why u r going threw certain emotions.

Grief is terrible I’m 4 years grieving for my Mum my best friend and my Dad and 11 years grieving for my 4 wk old daughter.

I don’t think it ever gets easier it’s just a hard difficult road adjusting to life without them.

Be kind to urself Gerard four wks is so soon. Try and take some time out and look after yourself. Don’t rush to go back to work do things when ur ready.

Take good care xxx

I went back to work after 12 days as it was the only thing I knew. I am strugglin* now though as I cannot cope with the chit chat, I have trouble concentrating and still cry multiple times a day. I have just agreed I can take each day as they come, if I think I cannot cope I just don’t go in. I lost my mother 4 years ago and my father 6 years ago, we were very close and they loved my Jacqui. I think the difference is now I don’t have Jacqui to help me through. It’s doctors tomorrow, he likes to keep an eye on me, and then the councillor. I have also booked a course of yoga with a private tutor starting Monday to see if that helps with the grief and stress. My biggest physical problem is sleeping but they say that is early depression xx

I’m so sorry to hear u lost your Mum and Dad too.

Gerard some people just cannot sleep after such a traumatic loss. They find it hard to switch off and shut down.

Have u tried Holland and Barrett natural remedies to help with ur sleep I know they do a sleep easy tea but it does make u feel like you have a hangover if u don’t manage to sleep.

Yoga should help.

It’s such early days for u Gerard take one day at a time and some days I found I had to take it minute by minute.

Big hugs x