Ruby I so often read Lisa’s texts from earlier in the year before she died. There are a couple that haunt me though. The one when she messaged me very early on the Monday morning after flying home from Marjorca. She said she was so sorry Mum but I am really not well, can you come and take me to Hospital in Inverness. They were in Perth. I just said, darling call an ambulance, which she did.
It hurts so much but somehow we get through.
I have just dropped off our little Granddaughter back to her Daddy after spending the night with us. It always hits me when I drive away. Lisa should be there waiting for her little girl. I always cry when I am driving home, lovely new house, new car but no Mummy for Brooke.
There is no easy way out of our grief, its here for the long haul but friends here make all the difference.
Much love, Kate xx
Dear Ruby,
I think Kate is right when she says that we learn to live alongside the grief. I feel as though I will always have an undercurrent of sadness running through my life.
I understand that you feel as though you are living in a nightmare. I recognise that feeling. I used to play (and still do) Solitaire on my phone, over and over again almost compulsively, just to stop myself from thinking.
We have Gemma’s little boy, Charlie, this week. Last night we took him to a drive in Christmas firework display. I could not stop crying as I kept thinking his mummy should be there with him but as it was dark I was able to keep my tears from him.
Today I have been okay again, just getting on with our life. You will get there and you will have us walking beside you every step of the way xxx
Thank you Victoria xxx
Kate, I know exactly where you are coming from regarding little Brooke. It’s a double whammy, the overwhelming pain of loosing a beautiful daughter and the sadness knowing our precious granddaughter has to suffer in this way. It’s too much at times x
It is dear friend. Although, Brooke seems to be handling it very well so far. She was 3 and a half when Lisa died and now she will be 5 in January. For a while she didnt say much but during the summer when we had her a lot as Jamie was working. One day the granddaughter of a friend came to play and the first thing Brooke said was ’ hi my names Brooke and my Mummy died’. Just like that. She now often says that she misses Mummy but she’s in the clouds and watches over her and Daddy. I choke back the tears but I am glad she talks about it. We, also talk about Lisa all the time. Like Mummy did this or that with Jemma when they wee little. Brooke loved to hear about her Mumny and Auntie when they were her age.
With love, Kate xxx
Hello Kate my heart goes out to you Give Brooke a big hug from me , and will be thinking of you all at this differcult time of year .
With love Maddie xxxWill be thinking of you too Maddie and all our dear friends here.
With love
Kate xxx
Just having a total meltdown friends. I don’t even know what brought it on but my husband seems irritated by my feelings just now. I just can’t get a grip of myself this evening. Maybe just that it’s Christmas week and also that we are facing lockdown again even though we are in the lowest tier! It’s just made it all harder to cope. Sorry to be a pain. I just need to get myself back to being calm again. Just tearful just now.
With love Kate xx
It seems we are going on the same excursion at the moment…We were going spending Christmas with our son and family… then due to to them going into tier four everything had to be cancelled,we were so looking forward to spending Christmas all together as a family our first in six years, which is due to my son’s work taking him away over Christmas… and now it’s all been cancelled…and what makes it more unbearable it was this day three years ago that it was Christians funeral…Can’t stop thinking of Christian who we have lost and our older son who we can’t see…tears will not stop flowing and my husband finds it difficult to understand just how low I am feeling. xx
Marina, thankyou for posting. Yes you are right, everything is going belly up again. We here are feeling cheated as we were level 1 on the mainland and islands. Now only the islands have escaped full lockdown.
However, we are lucky that we can spend boxing day with Brooke and Jamie, plus his brother so there will be 6 of us. Christmas day will just be the 3 of us but we will go for outdoor drinks to our closest friends in the village.
It’s devastating for you when you were so looking forward to being with all the family. It is so hard for us all here and this year has made it even harder. Nothing has been normal.
I will be thinking of you today and sending love.
Let’s hope we feel better tomorrow.
With love, Kate xx
Hello,Kate ,and Maria.
Kate so sorry you are having a bad day , Men ,well they just do not understand us mothers seem to grieve differently to men . Letshope he spoils you with a nice bunch of flowers . Marina will be thinking of you on this very sad day . The 28th December is when we said goodbye to Dawn ,and we always try and do something to take our minds of the day . But it doesnt seem like we will be doing much this year.
With love Maddie xx
SORRY I MEANT MARINA, I DONT KNOW WHATS THE MATTER WITH ME ,CANT SEEM TO GET ANYTHING RIGHT.
MADDIE XX
Hello Kate Maddie and Marina,
Just read your posts, everybody is irritated with each other at the moment probably because we are all facing lockdown again. We just cannot seem to get rid of this coronavirus. Roll on the Oxford/Astrazeneca one which is so much easier to roll out and we can hopefully turn the tide. Kate I am sure your husband is just feeling it also, John seems grumpy as well at the moment. I am doing loads of washing for Geraint (all the children’s things) but it’s keeping me busy and even though there was no need I’ve polished and hoovered everything to a standstill. Just keeping busy!!! It’s an absolute sh** time for everyone but even more so for us in our situation. Keep busy everyone…we’ll get through and then hopefully in 2021 we can all get together.
With love
Helen
Hello All,
I just wanted to say how much I admire you all and how much your posts help me, I have been following you all for over a year now and even though I have never posted feel I know you all really well, we lost our precious son 5th May 2019 at the age of 22 and can relate to all of you on this horrendous journey we find ourselves on. Please stay strong you have all been doing so well and your posts are an inspiration to all of us, it doesn’t seem to get any better with time as this is our second Christmas without our beloved Matt but I feel worse, I have two other daughters who are twins and Matts younger sisters and they are the only reason I’m still here, they are the reason I paint on this brave face and get out of bed, we have so many signs from Matt so we know he is with us which is a comfort, keep fighting all of you 
stay strong God bless you all and thank you 
xxx
Michelle
That’s so lovely that you have been following our stories. As you will already know we lost our younger daughter Lisa on 29th Juky 2019. Just 2 months after your sad loss.
We have her older sister Jemma who has been our rock and our little granddaughter Brooke who was only 3 and a half when her Mummy died. It’s so tough but life goes on for us all without our beautiful children…
With love,
Kate xx
Dear Michelle, What a lovely post …Thank you so much…I am so sorry you have lost your son Matt and he was so young, like you say it is an horrendous journey and even now after three years I don’t know how I managed to get where I am today. This site and all the wonderful posters whom I now class as friends have helped me the most ,they and only they know exactly how we all feel and can give you the comfort you need when you are feeling so low…
My Christian was a very happy person and that is how I try to live my life and I live it for him.
Please keep posting…your post as made my day…Thank you.
Take care…Marina xx
Wanted to send photos to you all but I can’t see the icon to do so.
Kate xxx
She looks gorgeous in her little elf suit…and what a credit to you and your family for, for all the trauma and upset she must have suffered when losing her Mummy…she looks such an happy little one. xxx
Hi lovely ladies, I hope you don’t mind but I know all about your beautiful families from your lovely posts Lisa I followed your posts from the start and when you talk about your beautiful little Brooke it melts my hard, you are all lovely and very brave for getting out of bed each day as we all know we want to stay there and never get out, I felt I needed to reach out as I felt for some of you struggling with all this horrid covid on top of the loss of our precious children, sending a big love to you all and even bigger one to you Maddie as I feel you need it right now 
xxx