Hi Bir
She was OK she got his personality on the button, all about the travelling and he told her to say he was sorry to leave me but he is still here and I could feel him around me as she spoke. Marcus the other pyschic I saw was absolutely phenomenal. But in fairness she picked up loads from Sam to pass on to me, one thing confirmed it. She mentioned “Sam says he likes to be out the back garden in the fresh air and he likes to sit on the bench”. John and I discussed only this morning about getting a bench and having it carved with a message on there. I asked my elder son about the balloons and he said it wasn’t really what he felt he wanted to do he’d never heard of it. I spoke on the phone to him and when I mentioned Sam I could hear his voice breaking so I had to try and hold it together myself. One thing the pyschic said Sam mentioned was about his elder brother working non stop so as not to think but he will hit the wall eventually and the flood gate will open. I hope so because it will be good for him to come to terms with it.
It’s just so raw at the moment, over time I suppose it gets less so but the hole in your heart doesn’t fill in.
Hi Helen ,thanks for being so understanding, hope you pick something up from the psychic I would love to know .We are also going to put ballons on Dawns resting place on December 11th. And then I think we will scatter the rest of the ashes by the sea that she loved, as everytime I put down the blinds now I hate shutting her out I just feel so sad ,so we think its time to free her. ,but still have a few buried with her nan . love Maddiex
What a lovely idea and like you the idea that you shut them out is awful to think of, Sam is still with me and we’re going to have a bench in the garden, Sam also loved the sea, so we are asking the funeral director to put some of his ashes into those recycled tubes so I can take 1 to South Africa to Table Mountain and then as I go to different places, I shall take him and scatter a few ashes we’re going to Cornwall in December to cover the date that Sam died and I shall take some of his ashes there as well. Marcus the pyschic I saw some months ago mentioned he doesn’t want to stay in the dark so I took that to mean he wouldn’t want to be buried, which is why I’m scattering his ashes to all different locations, he was an avid traveller which the pyschic I saw today picked up on, she did say now I come to think of it, he said he can travel anywhere now no restrictions and he doesn’t have to pay for it. That would be something Sam would definitely say. She also said he is sat on the arm of your chair with his arms around you. I have to say even before she said it, I felt so cold almost icy around my shoulders and down my arms. I’ve always known he’s here because I have felt him before but that was such a confirmation.
Helen, it sounds such a productive afternoon for you. It gives other people comfort too. I fully understand your other son’s predicament. They feel the loss but can’t feel the same as us as it wasn’t their son/daughter and they are younger than us with less life experiences. We understand that we need to do these things but for them, they may not see the significance as he’s had no other experience of it. I suppose they want live and are trying to cope. Maybe he’s affected by the build up and he’s dreading it too in his own way. I’m sure he will be thinking of him on his birthday and it may become a little better for him once the day has passed. X
thank you I am sure that he is dreading it, he went to all the meetings before with the oncology specialists and did absolutely everything for Sam I just want to help him but I think what he’s doing is work work work so he doesn’t have to think I am sure.
Thank you and Maddie for your lovely kind words.
Just to say I am thinking of you and your family today on Sam’s birthday. Holding you close. Would love to hear more about what else the spiritualist said about Sam. I like what you said about the ashes too. We are going out to Cape Town at christmas so we are going to scatter some of Daniel’s ashes on Table Mountain. Such hard times for us all. Love to everyone Wynne
Hello Wynne
Thank you for writing today the tears are flowing and its hard but we have to get through. We have let off some balloons and his brother came. I have Sam’s ashes in an urn in my other room with his photo and a candle so his brother lit the candle. His very closest friends have invited us out for a curry tonight (Sam’s favourite food) to celebrate his life Jason was his best friend and like us expects him to call in and hasn’t got used to losing him. Jason’s girlfriend thought the world of Sam. The spiritualist also said Sam likes to be out sat on the bench. We had only talked that morning of getting a bench for Sam. So again confirmation that Sam is here all around me. I’m pleased you are going to cape town to table mountain for Daniel. I too want to let some ashes go there as well. It was one place Sam never went. I shall wait until middle of next year and see Marcus the spiritualist he was phenomenal. The other lady was very good but not a patch on Marcus. But again she said about it was quick and that hes healed now there seems to be too much evidence that Sam is here to think otherwise . With love Helen
Hello,Helen, was thinking of you on Sams birthday and how you must of been feeling,as I know how I felt on Dawns back in july . Now we have got get through the next stage,which will be very hard ,I’m glad you are going away as it has got to help a little bit ,we will be here for Dawns December 11th but going to lake garda for xmas so I hope that will take our minds off last xmas . Thinking back to last year how did we ever get through it? So glad for you Helen that you can feel Sam around you it must give you a little bit a little bit of comfort . Love Maddie x
Hello everyone, I’m sorry to hear that some of you have had some particularly hard times lately. I just wanted to let you know that we have two new users on the community who have lost their adult sons. Here are the links to their posts if anyone would like to talk to them:
Hello Maddie, Thank you for your kind comments, its only people who are going through the same thing that can understand how you feel. We let off some balloons with some words printed on them and they went so high and so far it got that we couldn’t see them anymore but I hope Sam could for his birthday. For some reason today is particularly hard for me I really don’t know why. You are so right the next stage is really really hard, Sam died on the 9th December and again, John and two of my closest friends are going back to Cornwall. I am going to take a few of his ashes so I can scatter them on the water. In March we hope to go to Cape Town South Africa, and if we do manage it I shall again take some ashes and scatter them on Table Mountain. He never went there so it will be nice to do that. I think his favourite place was Cornwall we went there quite often. My elder boy has invited us to theirs for Christmas dinner, so with the children we shall all have to keep smiling so I think that will help. I would love to be going away for Christmas but having been invited by my elder boy I can’t just go off (wish I could). I am sure it will help you take your mind off. wrote this about Sam this morning summing up how I’m feeling today: -
My Darling Sam
I know that you’re looking over my shoulder and you can see this. All I seem to want to do is cry at what I’ve lost, YOU. No one can replace you and as for me trying to get on I do try very very hard whilst I am busy I can seem to cope because I don’t have time to think.
I also know that you want me to get on but I’m afraid there will always be that sense of loss, it may get easier but I think this is about as easy as it will get. When I talk of you to other people I feel a sense of pride, you were so loving so kind and you had a brilliant sense of humour. You made me feel special and yes you were my rock. You still are, I cling to the hope that you will be there waiting for me when I pass over. That is what I look forward to.
I love John, Ger and Stanley, don’t know too much yet about the twins, Lee has been very good, and in his own way so has Wayne.
I know you are all around me and I know you will be right by my side all the time until I close my eyes for the last time.
I am so glad you went off travelling, and when I say your name I have lots of stories to tell about you. I know John loves you so much and he too is very proud of you. He is always telling me what would Sam say?
If we get to Cape Town I will travel up to Table Mountain and leave some ashes there it was somewhere you never got to.
I will add to this over time but for now I can feel your disappointment in me crying again so I will try and get dressed and start some cleaning.
Hello everyone here, still walking this strange path. Helen, what a wonderful letter to Sam, you write what we can all relate to so beautifully.
Time is moving on much too fast for me towards the day my lovely boy Chris died on 22nd November. I have tried and tried so hard to keep going, to keep positive, but have been, in the last few weeks, reliving this time last year, when his health dramatically started to deteriorate. Why him and not me ? Why am I still here and not him ? Still all those unanswerable questions.
I know you all understand.
Love to you all, Anneka x
Helo Anneka, time does march on and you like me will try our very hardest to cope with the date. I think of those unanswerable questions why them not us. There is no answer. I will try as I have said to Sam on numerous occasions when talking out loud to him that I will do my very best to cope with the end of the first year. Though I will not promise all I know is that Sam is all around me and most of the time I seem to cope. I like you with Chris love him with all my heart and I know he would want me to get on and that is why I said in my letter to him I will try my level best.
Oh Helen, such beautiful words you have described to an art how we are all feeling. My husband has excepted that Dawn has gone but I still cannot believe that this was our darling daughter.this cant happen to us ,only a couple of years ago I kept sayiny we are so lucky we have a lovely family and they are all quite heathy, wish I had not said that now , People keep saying life goes on ,yes we have survived, but they donot know the pain and sorrow we have been through and we all have to get through the first anniversary. its becoming really hard thinking back to last year when Dawn was still with us, could I have done something ,anything to stop the pain she was going through. My husband is convised she had given up as her new husband of 2 years had to do everything for her he was her carer and she kept saying it wasn’t very nice for him . But she had everthing to live for she was planning another trip to florida and we were going with her.I thought when she was admitted to hospital,she was going to fight, then 2 days later she went into a deep coma , that was the hardest part, I could not believe it, that was it she never came out it love Maddiexx
Hello Maddie,
Thanks for your reply, that first anniversary for me too is going to be hard, we are going to Cornwall. When I said in my letter to Sam that this is about as easy as it gets I think I was right, there isn’t a day goes by that none of us think of their child whether it be Sam Chris (for Anneka) Daniel (for Wynne) or Dawn for you. I could accept my elders going but someone so young and vibrant is hard. I read a story earlier about a girl called Emma who has breast cancer and secondary lung cancer. She has asked us all to sign a petition as Pfizer are charging our NHS £140 for a drug that costs £1 to make. How cruel to make a profit out of something so life needing. I have signed and said I will publish this as much as possible.
I don’t think Dawn gave up reading what you have written before, she seemed a fighter, but like Sam the body could take no more. I am convinced that we need to verbally and put pen to paper to attack and condemn those companies making a huge profit out of this devastating disease. Mr Iyer the neuro surgeon who operated on Sam said most of the cancers we manage…not cure. Yet I am sure if they all got together and forgot about profit we would get there. The link is below if anyone wants to sign
Dear Friends, Reading all your messages and heart felt words about our dearest children continues to bring so many tears. I just wish this agony would stop. Every day we think of our loved ones and still we have to get up and paint those smiles on our faces when deep inside our hearts are in pieces. Today it is exactly nine months when dearest Daniel lost his fight to the cruellest of enemies. I will never understand why young people are destroyed before their time. I watch old people who have had long and rich lives continuing to be on this earth and again ask why not take them and leave the young. I was once a strong devout Catholic but not my faith has been shaken and I am not sure what to believe in any more. How are you doing - a stupid question as I know that life has changed for us all. Sending love Wynne
Hello Wynne, and all of us here,
Wynne I stop myself from asking those questions about long lives, it upsets me too much. Last night I went out for my best friends husband’s 70th and really enjoyed myself a lovely meal and a singer there was 13 of us. I had a dance several actually with different people from our table, and I could feel Sam urging me on…he was there all night whispering in my ear go mum laugh again! That morning I had gone to the hairdresser’s she’s lovely only 36, she also does my daughter in law’'s hair so knows of Sam and mentioned to me that her friend’s brother Ryan who is younger than her he’s 27 went to the doctor complaining of not feeling well. The doctor sent him straight to the hospital, he has a brain tumour and has only weeks to live. He has shut himself away and will not speak to anyone. When I heard that (God forgive me) I felt grateful for the 4 years just over of quality that I had with Sam. My heart goes out to his mum who will be on this horrendous journey soon. There is so much the drug companies could do. I heard just last week that Pfizer are charging our NHS £140 per tablet which costs them £1 to make. It is a much needed drug and does so much for breast cancer. It is wrong of them to make such a blatant profit from something so devastating.
Hi Sams Mum and All,
I so glad you were able to enjoy your friends 70th. It’s not an easy thing to do. I can cope with family get togethers that’s about all. We were at a friends house last night for a drink and a chat. I do like this as it is a bit of normality but it’s still not the same as it was and I soon come back to my real world soon after I get home. Everything is so difficult, even thinking about an invitation to a social gathering of any kind is difficult. I still just take everything as it comes.
I did find a book called Grief Works by Julia Samuels useful. It’s worth a try.
X
Hello All
In your post Maddie you mentioned that Dawn was planning another trip to Florida, I know Sam had already booked his flight to go snowboarding again with all his mates in February this year. That is how I know neither of them gave up the fight. Today I’m struggling a little crying over losing Sam. I think because December 9th draws near. Anneka, I understand how you too are feeling, the anniversary is even nearer for you with Chris and my heart goes out to you.
I went to the hairdresser on Friday as we were going to my friend’s 70th birthday, Laura the hairdresser mentioned that her friends brother Ryan who is 27 (the same age as Daniel Wynne) had gone to the doctor feeling unwell, who sent him straight to hospital, he has a massive brain tumour and has only weeks to live, so has shut himself away from everyone. My heart goes out to him and his family as they too will be on this horrendous journey. How many more young people must die in this way?
When I heard about the young man Ryan, I immediately thought I was so lucky to have had Sam all those years to build the memories I have, but in the same respect I feel awful for thinking that because that poor mum doesn’t have time.
Well another day, and I did get dressed and I did clean and I did the shopping. I know I frustrate you the spiritualist told me that much. You want me back to how I was, remember trying on hats in Outfit, and you laughing and saying to people……………she’s not with me!!! Those days I can’t get back although I can keep them locked in my memory.
You saying about a top I liked, that’s something Nat’s would wear. I would love to be laughing carefree again but I can’t the pain in my heart is too strong.
I will and do laugh but it’s not a belly uncontrollable laugh like before…………it’s more measured although I don’t have that feeling of guilt about laughing because you won’t let me.
And because as your mum I know I did everything possible for you and Mathilda and Natalie before that. I write this because it’s my way of coping. I just find it hard Sam to cope and not cry about you. Geraint can’t even mention your anniversary 9th December………….he said………can I have Stan overnight the Sunday after Sam’s thing! So I know he’s finding it hard inside. He’s very kind to me and doesn’t get angry. I think it was the fear of knowing what will happen that made him like that. Han misses you everyday, I know ‘cause she has told me and I know that Geraint misses you too, he had to deal with everything the oncology doctors and your oncology nurse. I’m not coping today Sam, I’m finding it hard probably because the 9th December draws near. We are going away with our friends Jan and Brian to Cornwall, and we will go to the Lizard, somewhere we all went when Mathilda’s mum and sister came over from Sweden, I still have the beautiful book with the pictures in that they gave me.
I still kiss your picture every night before I go to sleep and say good morning to you when I wake.
Oh Helen,so sorry you are having a bad bad day, I know exactly how you are feeling, I have just done my dailey diary to dawn , and I just could not stop crying, if anyone read it they would find it really depressing , but I cant help it that’s how I feel. It seems everyone are getting ready for xmas and I just wish it would go away, all I can think about is this time last year when Dawn started to to go down hill, and how we were so pleasesd they took her into hospital, thinking they would sort her out. ., that’s what so hard Dawn and Sam were fighters they enjoyed life, I have always thought that the best die young and now I am beginning to believe it Anyway its not fair to spoil everyone elses xmas, we just have to try and hide the pain we are feeling which is so so hard. love Maddie xxxx