Loss of our son aged 27

Dear Julia and others, Good luck with the CBT today - I hope it really helps. I had my third counselling session on Tuesday which was very gruelling but hopefully by talking about the last six months it will reduce the agonising pain. I know that we can never get over the loss of Daniel but must somehow keep going. This week on our daily walk to where we have placed some of DAn’s ashes I asked for a sign that he is okay and a few minutes later I found a five leaf clover - it gave some comfort. Sending you all hope and love. Wynne

Oh Wynne
How lovely to receive the clover that is a sign he is all around you. You are his world and he is letting you know that.
With love Helen

Thanks Helen, I do hope it is a sign from Daniel. Really struggling this week as the reality of not seeing Dan again is too terrible to bear. We went to a meeting of compassionate friends where there were three other families that had lost adult children. Their stories were all so sad but i think it has made us feel worse as one family were in terrible grief still after over ten years. Another couple also after 13 years were in deep grief. I am not sure whether to go again. Has anyone else gone to support groups and has it helped? Trying to keep strong but it is so hard. Sending love. Wynne

Hello Wynne,
I wont go to the compassionate friends,or any other group like that because to me it seems that their grief is swallowing them and being with other’s that have lost adult children to me makes it worse as there is a perpetual treadmill of grief with no release. For me I find it easier to try and think of what Sam would want me to do, (his attitude was get on with it) I will never ever get over losing my son who was also a friend and I am sure I will see him again when my time is up, he will be there waiting. But for now i try to get on do as much as I can for my other son and his wife, my husband and i try my best to enjoy what things I can, every now and again I stumble but John (my husband) is there to pick me up and so are my friends, but my also my sister and brother in law who lost their son Ben 2 years ago. She knows exactly what I am going through.
When you wrote earlier you seemed to be a bit brighter finding the clover helped I know and now he knows too so there will be other confirmations that he is all around you.
take care Wynne, with love Helen

Hi everyone
I went to a meeting and though they were all years ahead of me (I’m 5 months) they were all lovely, and talked bout other subjects and laughed it just wasn’t for me, I agree with Helen that in the way of how they are all still going years ahead to the group. I don’t personally want to be doing that, one woman said she no longer needs support of the group but comes to support others which I thought was lovely of her, I find that I have cut myself off from my non bereaved friends so I’ve become isolated has I’m only one who has lost a child.
I used to socialise every sat night in pub with either friends or my other half, I’ve not gone out since Antony … I know my son wouldn’t want me like this but can’t see how it will ever change now, all I think of is Antony 24/7 even when I’m talking to someone bout anything all I have in my head is how my son isn’t here , I’ll never see him again for rest my life. Dont know how to deal with that thought.
Much love to you all
Julie

Hi Julie and everyone, I fully understand your lack of enthusiasm for any social activities. We have been invited to a few social occasions, get togethers, a Christening, a wedding but have declined as we feel we would struggle being among everyone who are there to enjoy themselves. We’re not ready if ever we will be, I don’t know, and at the moment it doesn’t bother me. We have met up with a few good friends on a small scale and also family things which we have somehow “coped” with. Things just aren’t the same. Life isn’t the same. I know our daughter wouldn’t want us to be like this but its hard. I’m just letting everything happen around me. It’s difficult to make plans, I’m scared since my daughters diagnosis when unexpected developements began rocking our world regularly. I put my energy into trying to ensure my Granddaughter is as happy as possible as I worry so much for her growing up without her Mummy. Each milestone and achievement constantly reduce us to crumbling wrecks, things my daughter is missing. It reminds us of how unfair it is for us all but especially the little one. She does bring joy to our life.

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Hello again everyone,
Like Bir I find too that I cannot cope with a large scale gathering, very close friends yes and also my sister and brother in law. My sister in law said exactly the same thing, small amount of people and the family but she can’t cope with loads of people. Julie, do you have any special friends? they will find it hard also to “imagine how you are feeling” but I am sure they are worried about you. Perhaps just one step at a time, a trip to the supermarket was my first trip out and I was so bewildered but Dee my friend stuck beside me as if she had been glued there.

with love Helen

Hi everyone
Helen I have couple close ones who unfortunately have not been near nor as one of them text rang or been see me, she is out n about with other friends, I now no longer consider her close friend. Since Antony I have always been able to nip to local shop, been supermarket few times with my partner. I have travelled by bus on my own been into work for my phased return in july . I make sure I get out of bed everyday I may not get dressed but I do get up. I have days/weeks where I’m so deep in the pit feels like I’ll never come out. I’ve been for meal back in Feb for my daughter birthday. I’m in my 5th week counselling but can’t honestly say if it’s doing anything for me.
Has anyone been on anti d’s. This for me personally is something I don’t want as I’m grieving and don’t see myself as depressed I totally understand what is right way for one may not be right for another, for me personally I need feel the grief even the really raw overwhelming days.
I know Antony not here, never seeing him is something I do struggle with I wish everyday for him to walk through the door and at times find really difficult to understand how he can be gone
Julie xx

Hello Julie,
That is absolutely dreadful, about your friends…in truth they probably don’t know what to say so try to ignore it and you into the bargain. I have had a couple do that they were friends that I have known for over 30 years, in fact Sam went to playschool with two of their children which is how we originally met. The one lady came to me a few years ago now probably about 8 or even 9 diagnosed with breast cancer, she had a mastectomy. I never left her side and did everything I could for her yet I haven’t seen her since Sam’s funeral. Another lady stopped me in Sainsburys supermarket and said could I wish John (my husband) a Happy New Year and I know that she had been told! Needless to say I shan’t bother again, with either. The one thing I struggle with is Sam not parking at a stupid angle on the drive in his car knowing he’ll never walk through the door asking if I’m doing a cooked breakfast or could I cook sausage chips and beans. He had a flat around the corner which he moved into when he came home from Sweden to tell me in 2012 that he had a brain tumour. It’s just a thought really have you considered going to a quiet pub for a drink with your partner or doing something you both used to enjoy? Do you have any other friends you could talk with? Because Sam’s ashes are still with me I make a point of getting up and dressing and going down and talking to him, it helps me then I tell him I’m off to wherever have to do this or that. Going to work might help you like Elaine said, what do you do? It may help you to try and meet other people who do not know your circumstances? What has your counsellor said…have you mentioned it?

All just thoughts really,

Sending you love Helen

Hi Helen
I’ve mentioned going back to work and she said probably take my mind off for bit but expect tears and breakdowns at home, I work in dispensary boots pharmacy. Little things we miss isn’t it the normal day to day stuff, I am the type like you that would be there for a friend, one lost brother couple week after I lost my son and I rang her every week, not once did she check in on me and now she’s ‘moved on’ don’t know if it’s because she wasn’t close to him.
Some really do show their true colours don’t they? Think they’re waiting for me to be little better so I don’t talk bout Antony all the time and therefore ‘ruin’ their evening.
I won’t ring or bother anymore, in a situation like this where I really needed them and they vanished to me they’re not worth it. So so hard not seeing them again and it’s so wrong xx

hi everyone I evan think the doctor has given up on me. I have been seeing him since January,and he has been great,I was going to stop seeing him as I donot think there is anything else to say to him I am depressed and that’s it,but I have just come back from cornwall after a couple of days away and came back more depressed than I went,so I decided to keep the appointment I had this afternoon sat there for 1hour 30mins the receptionist said I didn’t check in so told her I could not wait any longer,so behaps I make him depressed as well.so that’s it I will not bother to go back,just have to rely on the councillor. love Maddie 49

Dear Julie

It is wrong and I for one cannot understand it, there will be other people who will come into your life and be like you a compassionate caring person. Perhaps when you start work again it will help to see the people coming in. Gloria my sister in law went back to work she is a checkout operator for Tesco, they were very kind and understanding. I talk about Sam all the time to my very close friends Dee and Helen and Janice, yet not once have they bemoaned me to each other, they are a bit like glue they have stuck with me and are pulling me through, yes I get bad days, very very bad days where I feel what’s the point of existing anymore but I try so hard it’s exhausting. But we go on, Helen and Dee will always phone in each day or call in to the house, Janice does the text’s and the shopping trips, I think they have a rota but I don’t know. I cannot understand your friend who lost her brother, perhaps as you say they weren’t as close as she led people to believe. Losing a child is completely unnatural which is why it is so hard for us to even comprehend. My elder son cannot yet even begin to talk about Sam, he is so heartbroken, he carried the secret that I did not know that a brain tumour is life limiting. We will eventually cope better than we do now, although how long that will take is anyone’s guess. Try to think what Antony would be like with you as you are and what he would wish for you. I do this with Sam every time I get upset I remember different things the times he made me laugh, there are so many stories…when I saw that medium on the 4th April, she said “he is saying they didn’t take my sense of humour away from me” and that is so very true. I have to be thankful for small mercies in that he passed quickly, not that he lingered blind mute deaf and unable to move because the doctor said had the tumour grown the other way that is what would have happened.

With love Helen

Helen it’s so hard on siblings, my daughter misses her baby brother, she has 2 young boys and busy life which I’m glad for.
Your sons sound like they had special bond also.
Yes this particular friend I have found to be least one there for me, such a shame as she’s the one I probably needed most.
How nice your friends are they are true friends Helen.
It is so hard everyday Antony been gone 5 month and I still find myself asking how could he be here then gone in the next minute thst knock on the door will stay with me forever.
Medium I saw told me something bout both my daughter and son that no one knew.it is comforting but makes me want to keep going back which I haven’t done.
I will try those ideas Helen thank you
Julie xx

I’m also finding it hard to go on, I think I was making some sort of progress in finding some sort of integrity following the death of my son 5 months ago - not in any way acceptance, but more a sort of making normality out of chaos. But I have been battered back to square one with the sudden death of my lovely dog, and now I have just got home from the funeral of a very good friend.
What next ? I am so scared everyone I love will be taken from me.
I know all of you on this site will understand.

Dear Anneka, so sorry for the loss of you dog. Losing a loved pet on top of all that has happened just feels so terrible plus losing a friend as well. We have just had friends over the weekend who knew our son so well. They have a daughter of almost the same age. It is really hard hearing how their lives are continuing whereas for us it feels we are at a standstill - with a future where Daniel is not part of. Friends try to be kind and understanding but you see their glaze over when you start to become emotional. Staring at his lovely cheeky grin and smiley eyes in photos around the house continues to bring hot tears and sadness. Just can’t accept he has gone from our lives. Sending love to all. Wynne

Thanks for your kind words, Wynne.
I know what you mean about seeing friends of your son’s age. I still see quite a lot of Chris’ friends, and at first I really enjoyed seeing them, we would talk about Chris, it kept things very much alive, but now things are moving on and I start thinking - why is n’t Chris going with you, doing that too ? It’s inexplicable what has happened.
I still keep walking - without a dog.
Anneka x

Dear Anneka, Helen and others, Hope you are all managing somehow to find some hope on this horrendous never ending journey. I am expecting a phone call from my headteacher today to find out whether I am returning to teach. I have not worked since November when Daniel was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I wonder if any of you could advise what is best to do. Some days I think I could cope returning part time and then at other times I am just a mess. Some friends say it would help me to have something to focus on but I am not sure I have the strength on the bad days. Thank you and sending love. Wynne

Hi all.
I’m returning to work in July, lost Antony in Dec car crash … I am very apprehensive about it even though I do have wonderful colleagues and managers. I’m going back phased return and have built back up to 40 hours within month which I think is unfair, I’m going to give it ago, on my really bad days when I feel can’t cope I too think I won’t be able manage at work. I get up early every day but have no motivation to even get dressed , some days I don’t some days I wait till way late in afternoon. Maybe it will spur me on to get dressed can’t go in pj’s.
Hate having to go back for the reason being last time I was there working was the day Antony died, and I don’t want people thinking oh she must be ‘ok’ she back at work etc… I’m expecting guilt also again for being able to go back to work and I know even for split 2nd when not thinking of Antony guilt will hit. My workplace understands I will have meltdowns and need go in back office to cry and then when I get home I know I will be exhausted and have meltdowns.
Whether I sit at home longer or go back nothing will change that my son isn’t here. So I decided give it ago.
That’s all we can do in this horrible place is try, when the really really bad days come I will still go to work.
Hope you have understanding colleagues and they will help you. Xx

Hello Anneka, Wynne and Julie and the rest of us on this horrendous journey,

You wrote Anneka that your beloved dog had died. If you were to think of having another dog, perhaps get a rescue puppy that would otherwise have no life at all, that may help? I think you were very brave to go to your friends funeral, I am not sure that I could have done that. I too have the fear of losing everyone around me and if John says this aches or that aches I immediately get so worried. I have often thought when I wake up…oh I’m awake then hoping that I wouldn’t wake up, but then I think what would Sam think and he would be so cross, I also have twin girls coming next Wednesday she is going in for a C Section then so I have to keep going for my other son and his wife and my husband. I got upset this morning and when I went out on to the landing I could smell his aftershave so strong that I knew he was still around me and was trying to tell me that.
I know that I am not returning to work Wynne or Julie but when Sam was first diagnosed in 2012 I kept working all the way through and it did help but it was different as I had hope still, then in August 2016 when he was rediagnosed I gave up so that I could be there 24/7 for Sam. I haven’t returned to work and at 61 I don’t think anyone would want me now!

With love to you all
Helen

I could n’t think of having another dog at the moment, but thanks, Helen for your suggestion of a rescue dog - it definitely would be if I was.
I wish you all the best Wynne with any plans for going back to work, and for you Julie with your work. Like Helen, I gave up work when Chris came home ill, and will not now go back as I’m retirement age + ( and no one would want me ! ) I have though put my name down for volunteering at the local oncology department - they advise leaving it for 12 months before starting . It’s different though if you re going back to your previous job, it may well help.
Anneka x