Loss of our son unexpectedly

Me and my wife are writing this together. We lost our 12 year old son to a brain hemorrhage 4 weeks ago. We are really struggling to imagine a life without him. Our future feels bleak. We have a daughter and of course we will aim to keep it together for her and try to give her the best possible life from this point forward, it is just so hard to do. Our son was amazing, he had a natural way of bringing everyone together. We’ve taken the stance of trying to be positive about the amazing life he lead. The neurologist belives that he was born with something that gave him weaknesses in his arteries. This lead to two symmetrical aneurysms in his head. I remember the doctors saying that they’d never seen this before. It’s hard not to feel like we could have done more, spotted something to prevent this, but it was described to us as something that was unavoidable… this doesn’t seem to help.
It’s so strange that he was a happy healthy boy, playing outside that day, then air lifted to hospital shortly after. He suffered a second bleed whilst in hospital and that’s when we had to say goodbye to our amazing son Jensen. I can’t even believe that it’s true as i write the words. How does this world take such a happy child who was living life. It’s so sad to read the stories of all the parents who’ve experienced this loss. It feels like a life sentence for the living. The only thing of any positivity I’ve heard when speaking to a father who lost his son is that after years, the loss never went but he was able to feel joy in other ways in his life. This seems too far to even consider, but was a slight comfort to feel that it may not always be this dark.
We really thought we’d had our share of bad things in life. I’ve just recovered from cancer, and then whilst on holiday my mother in law’s heart stopped whilst we were out for dinner with the kids. We are both alright now, but our poor daughter has had to live through these things, and now this. She was there when our son started fitting. We are just so grateful that we got back in time from the shop before this all happened to our son.
He was a beautiful soul and we can’t stop looking at videos and pictures, thinking how amazing he was. Life really feels over, not just for us but the wider family who all live close by.
We would love to hear about ways in which people have helped their other children to cope and how they reacted to similar things. Thanks Tony and Nicky


I am so sorry for your lost, My son was born with ,right side cerebral palsy, learning disability , later epilepsy and under active thyroid . But through all this he was amazing,learning to walk ,being independent travelling on buses etc on his own,learning to look after himself. Then he got secondary bone cancer he was dead within 3months,he was bedridden the whole 3 months ( after when he was little it took him so long to walk)they think the primary was Gastric… He was 47 years old we loved him so much. We have a daughter she is severely handicapped but beautiful. We too have had such a bad year,with my husband being ill ,my daughter being ill, and the worst my beautiful so dying of cancer. I don’t know why some people have lives which are so tragic ,I wish I did.but your son and mine had such wonderful parents who loved them so much,and they in turn gave us so much. Think of the wonderful years you had together, and think you was chosen to love and look after him. Love to you all


So sorry for your loss, I’m only on week 15 so unfortunately still can not see any glimmers of light yet.
My son was nearly 18 when he lost his brother and school have been really good and offered counselling which he has refused so far. He’s refusing to talk or mention his name at the moment, probably taking his lead from his dad, neither of them what to upset me, so I now do most of my crying on my own, which is probably not good for any of them.

He has been in his brothers bedroom to see if there is any camping things, he’s also gone through his brothers uni box and sorted that out now it will be his uni things (I offered to get him new but he wants his brothers) he’s also using his brothers headphones and drink bottle.

The hardest part is me spoiling him, he’s getting away with asking for me paying for a lot more things where I would make his brother pay, now its only money though that will have to stop as i’m on SSP.

Keep talking on here, most of us have found its only other parents that know how we feel, so many others expect us to get back to’ normal’


Thank you for the response. I’m sorry for the loss of your son. These are such difficult times. Everyone’s grief is definitely different. I’m a mix of crying all of the time and strangely together with no visible emotion. Which i then feel guilty for - wanting the emotion back. Our daughter is similar to your other son and husband.
She doesn’t like to talk about any of it. If i ask her how she feels she says she feels nothing. I think it’s almost a form of protection to go into denial. Funnily i was sitting on the bed with her, i didn’t bring it up as i knew there would be no point and she randomly mentioned her bother and opened up a little. She asked if he could see her or know what she was thinking. I’m hoping with time she’ll open up more. You are so right though, it’s hard not to spoil them after all they’ve been through, we keep reminding ourselves that the parenting needs to begin again at some point, we can only do what we can do to get through. Take care and thank you.
Tony x

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Hi @Tony2023,
Sorry for the sad loss of your beautiful boy, bereavements are hard to go through, but somehow when it’s a child, it feels… So incredibly heartbreaking, like, why do they have to die so young, the world feels so wrong. My own baby died some years ago when I was pregnant with him, it’s always hurt that I don’t even have a picture of him, & will never have any of those special memories that so many parents take for granted, hugs, reading him a bedtime story, playing with him at the park, being ill with something he’s caught off one of the other kids at school, calling me mom, temper tantrums because he doesn’t want to go to bed at 8pm, he wants to stay up & watch TV, birthdays, Christmas. I still miss him, & feel sad some times, but I’m at a point where I can say, “he wouldn’t want me to be sad, he would want me to have a happy life,” I’ve found its like carrying a backpack, at first it feels heavy, but over time, it’s like the backpack shrinks, your still carrying the backpack, but it becomes a more manageable weight that your comfortable to carry. Personally I find they weigh comforting, because it reminds me he was here.
The subject of siblings is a tricky one, I recognise wanting to keep some kind of normality for them, but it’s best not to push them to talk too much until they are ready, they’ll open up when they feel comfortable to, it may be that they might feel more comfortable talking to their friends, someone their own age, or it might just be that it’s a big adjustment & need time for it to sink in. In the meantime, maybe a sense of lead by example, as kids sometimes cope their parents, be open about how you feel, it’s not healthy to bottle up emotions, it’s ok & understandable to cry/feel sad, as parents, we need an outlet to.
Like with all bereavements, take it one day at a time, if it helps, keep a journal of you bereavement journey. Sending hugs of support to everyone.

Thank you @Pest , these are such wise and beautiful words. You are right i would never give up the memories that he gave us even for the pain.

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So sorry for your loss. It’s been 4 weeks for me also since I lost my 19 year old son - he took his own life. The pain is unbearable. I can’t stop thinking about all the things he will never get to see or do. He was my best friend and I miss him so much.
Many of us are on this same journey and I just hope in time I can see some light at the end of what is currently a very dark tunnel. Please keep talking on here even if it’s just to vent.


@Haribo 4 weeks is no time at all. I often forget it’s only been that long for us as well. It feels so shocking that our children are with us one minute and then gone the next. For me that’s the hardest part to process. It feels like Jensen could be out somewhere and this is just a nightmare. I know this of course isn’t true and every day after the funeral seems to add a little more confirmation that everything has in fact changed. I’m struggling with the thought of just being a family of 3. How did that even happen? What does that even look like? Will we be so broken that nothing is in any way the same. On the flip i feel like i can’t remember what was, when we were 4, it’s all like a dream of a life i had. My brain has blocked this part of my life out. I really worry that this won’t come back. I do cry when the emotion bubbles over but I’ve noticed a lot more flat emotion where I’m really feeling not a lot but i instead just crack on with life in a weird mindless way. Taking has been helpful. Nic and I had horrible feelings of guilt. Could we have done anything, was there a magic time or action that could have changed everything. We’ve chatted with family, friends and now the Paramedic from the day who is also offering us support. She’s helped us close this box and realise that this was too big, even for us to help with or prevent. That doesn’t help bring him back but it has taken a little of the weight off.

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Oh, how i feel for you, the pain is unbearable. I hope you can reach out and talk to people. I lost my darling boy 6 weeks ago, will never be the person i was. Take each day a bit at a time. Please talk to me if you can x

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