Loss of Partner to Covid

[Heather6]

Iam new to this and have been reading your posts.

I lost my beloved partner of 24 years 6 weeks ago to Covid and still cannot believe he has gone although I know he has. It was so unexpected as he was fit and healthy . He was in hospital 4 weeks and ventilated for 3 of them and he never recovered. I am lucky in that I have lots of support from family and friends but I feel like I have a huge black hole inside me that I cannot fill and will never be able to. Some days I just cannot stop crying and others I feel totally numb. Iam due to start counselling soon but it’s so hard just getting through each day. I feel like I have no future and my life has no purpose without him then I remind myself I have a lot to be thankful for but it’s so difficult.

[Quarterman]

Heather6

Your story mirrors mine I lost my man to covid on 03/02 he spent a week in HDU on a CPAP mask before being put on a ventilator. I feel exactly as you do my future gone I’m lost lonely and scared.
My only advice is to take each day as it arrives, I cannot think ahead it overwhelms me.
I am receiving counselling with cruse and on medication with my GP.
People on this site unfortunately are suffering like us and will support you.

Take care and I hope the day is kind to you

[Heather6]

Thankyou for your words. There are so many people who have had family and friends cruelly snatched away because of Covid who would otherwise be here and it’s so hard to accept. One day at a time is as much as I can do and even then that’s a challenge.

Take care

[Tomtom]

Heather6 your story is a mirror image of mine as well.
It’s really weird that when you read a mirror image post it makes you want to open up about your own story.
You feel that someone outside of your circle can understand you better.
It’s like there is twin out there going through the same shit!!

Lost my husband on 27 January to Covid. We’d been together 31 years.
Like yours he was on a ventilator for 4 weeks of pure hell.
One day he was improving next day he had deteriorated. And so it went on for 4 weeks until the dreaded phone call.
I never dreamed the day he left here he wouldn’t be coming back.
Things like that happened to other people, not us.

I was able to be with him and although I was grateful for that, it didn’t ease the 4 weeks of hell of not being able to talk to him or hold him.
I hope you were able to be with your soulmate at the end.
How we survive this I don’t know.
At the moment the pain is as raw as it was the day I held his hand and he left me.
If I’m grateful for anything it’s that ,for his sake ,I’m glad he went first ,if that makes any sense.

I just know with certainty he would not have coped as I am having to.
We had sold the house and were downsizing before he became ill and next week I am moving .
I have never felt so lost or alone and numb when solicitors rang to say we had exchanged contracts.

I have to do this without him but believe he is with me and would want me to try and be strong.

So I feel for you and your loss and the emotions you will continue to experience for a very long while to come.
We are all so bereft and lonely as until you lose a partner you can have no real comprehension of the raw pain involved.

Nothing helps me in terms of antidepressants, counselling or brandy . When I’m at my lowest, posting my feelings on here helps, as I know there are others feeling the same and understand as family and friends can’t!!

I’m not qualified to offer anyone advice as I can’t help myself.
I just know I have to work through this on my own and pray one day I can accept this new life of mine and learn how to deal with it.
There isn’t a soul out there who can make me feel better of that I’m sure.
I wish , like others on here, counselling could be the answer to heal this pain but for me it’s not.
I know me better than anyone, the exception perhaps being my husband and he’s not here.
I’m 67 years old and hope that I know all my faults and how I will react by now!
The reality is I’ve just lost the other half of me, I’m lonely for his arms around me, I miss the disagreements and making up. I miss that he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and the best at everything even though I know I’m not!!
I miss that we could communicate with just a look, knowing exactly what the other one was thinking.

Memories are all we now have but God I am so grateful to have known true love in my life.

Sending virtual hugs and hope you find some peace eventually.

[eveham]

Hello Heather, l lost my husband of 12 years on the 13th February to covid. Even now, l am still in shock. His mother lived in a care home, got covid and he went to pay an end of life visit and got it himself. His mother’s funeral was postponed for 2 weeks hoping he would get better and be able to attend. lnstead, he was part of the funeral service as he was stolen from me so quickly, he was on oxygen cpap for 5 days and they decided to ventilate him and that was it. He didnt survive the ventilation. He was also a very healthy man and we were planning our retirement. There are so many unanswered questions that no one can answer. l still can’t comprehend what has happened. The dreaded phone call came at 3am and l was in no fit state to drive to the hospital to say goodbye to my husband… Luckily a very kind neighbour drove me in. l just don;t know how l’m going to face the future on my own. Eve

[Jacko25]

Hello everyone, I too lost my partner of 28 years to covid in November last year.
He was in hospital for 2 weeks and was improving, he had been told he would be.moving from high dependency to a normal covid ward. Luckily we face timed every day.
But, he suddenly took a turn for the worse and within 24 hours had gone. He was put on a ventilator, but his lungs could not function and.his other organs failed.
He was only 64 and previous to covid, fit and healthy. I know he would still be here if it wasn’t for covid and it breaks my heart.
All of our futures ripped away from us.
Love and hugs Jacky

[Heather6]

I can relate to most of what you say. It is unbearable at times and the trauma surrounding the hospital for me is what I need to address with professional help. I wasn’t with my partner when he passed away but he was with a nurse who I got to speak to afterwards. I take a tiny bit of comfort from the fact he wasn’t in pain. I sometimes wonder how he would have coped if the roles were reversed but then I think It doesn’t make any difference in reality as lives have been ruined and friends and family are sad, shocked and upset and trying to process everything that’s happened.

Take care and look after yourself.

[Heather6]

It’s so sad and cruel. Nobody can appreciate the trauma unless they have been through it. I hope you have support around you as that helps but it doesn’t take the pain away. Why some people get so sick with Covid is one of the problems they haven’t answered. We were told that 5% of people without underlying problems will have this extreme reaction which is what happened to us. You won’t know you are one of the unlucky ones till it’s too late. It’s truly terrifying and devastating in equal, measure.
Take care and look after yourself.

[eveham]

Thank you for your kind words of support Heather, what makes this so much harder to comprehend is the fact that he lost his life through paying an end of life visit. My husband and his sister went to pay an end of life visit to their mother in a care home. They wouldn’t leave because they didn’t want their mother to end up dying alone, which is what would have happened and so they spent approximately 30hrs with her in her room with a window open into the early hours of the morning, before she passed away. l couldn’t stop them. in fact the only people that could have ended their visit were the care home itself. My husband Simon, then had to isolate in a hotel before coming back home as he wanted to take 2 covid tests and get the all clear before coming back home so as not to risk me getting it. The first test he took actually came back negative which was 2 days into isolation, then the second one came back positive 5 days later and he started to develop feverish symptoms. His sister had had the jab the week before and even though her test result also came back positive, she got off with mild cold like symptoms. l contiued to look after Simon, cooking and leaving food outside his room for the duration but by day 7, he had lost his appetite and it was mainly soup and smoothies. l dreaded the mornings as l never knew what l was going to face as l always had to wake him up gently. The evening of day 9, he phoned me at 9pm to say his oxygen levels had dropped to 86. He had an oxymeter that you put on your finger and l knew things were serious. l dashed to be by his sideand we called an ambulance. He was given oxygen and even walked to the ambulance. The next time l saw him, he had been ventilated and and his blood pressure had dropped. His organs were shutting down. He was only in hospital for 9 days. it all happened so quickly, l just didn’t see it coming. He had called me the evening before he went onto the ventilator for a normal chat and by 3am l got that dreaded call to come in. l did get to hold his hand as the machine flatlined…Words cannot describe my pain and anguish. He had a joint funeral service with his mother, as her service was postponed for 2 weeks hoping he would get better. He was helping arrange her service that he ended up being a part of… How can l ever get over this? x

[Heather6]

Your story is so sad. You all took precautions and did the right things in a difficult situation and it’s so unfair.

I know what you mean about not seeing it coming…I never imagined I would end up in this situation and your world is turned upside down out of nowhere. I don’t think you can ever get over what has happened in the true sense, it’s more a case of accepting it and learning to live with it as hard and as sad as that will be.

I am hoping counselling will help me especially around the trauma of it all. Is this something that you could explore?

I hope you have friends and family to support you - Its so important and i have learned to ask for help in all of this whereas before I would have struggled on being too independent for my own good.

Take care
X

[eveham]

l was promised help from the NHS, a clinical psychologist is/was supposed to contact me but l’ve heard nothing from them. l do have family who have been in and out helping and l also have a very good network around me. My neighbour is the person l phoned at 3am to take me to the hospital to say goodbye to my husband as l was in no fit state to drive. Needless to say, she was out waiting for me within 5 mins. She is clearly now a very good friend. Like yourself, l am used to being very independent and have asked family to give me space to enable me to come to terms with my loss in my own way and time. l am seeing a therapist at my own expense, but it’s early days… l am just trying anything to stay sane right now. The trauma of it all causes me severe anxiety. l often realise my hands are shaking/trembling. Just taking one day at the time X

[Tomtom]

Hi Heather6 and Eveham
Just wondering how you are all doing?
7 months on for me and I’m really not coping too well.
Then ,just to increase my heartache ,I had to have my little dog put down yesterday and it was all so sudden and unexpected. He was only 8 and was my husbands favourite of our two dogs.
On the way to the vets ,to hold him whilst he was put to sleep ,bought it all back with a vengeance!

I relived the journey to the hospital to say goodbye to my husband from Covid.
This overwhelming emptiness, loneliness and sadness is consuming me. I just feel like I want to run to get away from these feelings. Stupid I know!

Why me, why us, why my little furry companion?
Did I do something terrible in my life that God is punishing me?
I know I haven’t done anything that bad to be put into this living hell!

Just feel so alone and don’t think I will ever be the same person again. There is no peace wherever I look, for me.

One day at a time? I constantly try to remember that, but frankly it doesn’t work or help.
Just feeling very sad and very sorry for myself.

[eveham]

Dear Tomtom,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your dog during what is still a very very difficult time for us all. You must be feeling bereft with grief now. Please try and stay strong, you have come this far. Don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything, just continue to take one day at the time.

Things are tough with me too as l took early retirement with the intention of retiring this year with my husband. l don’t think l am coping very well either but at least l can hide indoors. l don’t have to leave home unless l absolutely have to and l will only do things at my own pace now. l am still yet to deal with the admin side of things. l just don’t have the energy to do anything although l was able to do a bit of gardening before the weather changed.

This pain is so unbearable and consuming. Every minute of the day is spent tinking about my husband and how quickly and unjustly he was snatched away from me…xx

[Tomtom]

Oh Eveham

When will we begin to feel we can cope better and accept our grief?

I can’t stand to hear about Covid this Covid that, on the news anymore. I just switch off!!

I also moved ,after I lost my Tom ,to be nearer my daughter and friends , but wished I hadn’t!!

I have been inundated with well meaning friends visiting and staying over. Friends I hardly saw when I lived further away!!
I just want to scream leave me alone, I need me time , to grieve!!
I just want to be on my own to think, cry if I want to and just be quiet.

It’s all just too overwhelming and I don’t want to constantly put on a “ I’m coping face” and make conversation!

Am I being weird and ungrateful? To be honest I don’t really care !!

If another person says to me it gets better with time, I swear I will be the star of a Judge Rinder murder trial!

Time won’t heal my broken heart, it can’t be mended. There’s no fix for this overwhelming loneliness and gaping hole in our lives!

The best I can hope for is acceptance for this new life , that has been forced upon me. I will never be the same person I was when my Tom shared my life.

Sorry to rant!!

Sorry you didn’t get the retirement you both planned. I hope you find some peace ,in the months to come ,to give you the strength to make a different life for yourself in your retirement.
Sending hugs.

[eveham]

Believe me, you have every right to rant and rave and you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about it. l have recently moved myself, a journey we started together last year but have had to complete myself. l moved to somewhere peaceful and quiet that suited me. Not near family as l really don’t want people invading my space and grief… it is a new development so no more worries about things going wrong and needing a tradesman, it is near water, so therapeutic and lots of greenery for nature and walking to help clear my head although l am in touch with a widow support group nearby.

As for my ongoing ordeal, l am going stir crazy as l need answers from the care home that allowed my husband to spend over 30hours in the room of my mother in law as she was dying from covid. This happened back in January at the height of lockdown restrictions when care homes were not supposed to even allow visitors in, yet they let my husband and his sister sit in the room all day and all night with their mother was dying from covid with simply a flimsy blue paper mask and an apron for ppe. My sister in law got off lightly as she’d had one jab before calling up my husband to join her as she worked in a different care home. They both tested positive on the same day, she had a mild cold and sniffles, my husband was dead within 3 weeks.

To avoid answering any further questions, my sister in law no longer talks to me. She has been very cruel and selfish. Not satisfied with my allowing her to host a joint funeral with his mother near where she lived, she hijacked my own husband’s life celebration last month and l wasn’t able to attend and celebrate with our friends, because she decided to overide my decison of where to host and booked the place where my husband isolated which had a pub attatched to it but l couldn’t support because of the trauma l had to endure, tending to my husband before he was moved to hospital and finally succumbed to the virus… One final dance on her brothers’ grave. Now l feel robbed again of hosting a wake/ life celebration for my late husband as we were not able to hold a wake for him back in February due to restrictions.

l am going to make sure l get some answers and hold the care home to account. lf they had adhered to goverment guidelines and not been so slack, my husband would still be alive…How do we carry on? …xx

[Tomtom]

Eveham it’s so hard and to have to endure missing your husbands life celebration must have been heart wrenching.
People you think will be your strength can be very selfish and mean when you need them the most.

It’s been a real eye opener for me since I lost my Tom and a tough life lesson!!
My husband hadn’t spoken to his two brothers in twenty years ,since they swindled him out of his inheritance when his father died. He was a real softy with a forgiving nature and so I allowed them to attend his funeral.

They tried to dictate the eulogy, photos on order of service and even had a piece put in the local paper as well as lots in Facebook! Not one mention of me as his wife of 31 years, it was all about them.
As vulnerable as I was I didn’t allow them any input in his funeral arrangements!!
They had seemed to have forgotten they swindled him out of a substantial amount of money and ignored him for twenty years.!!
Crocodile tears at his funeral for attention and then surprise surprise not a word since ,to ask how I am doing!!

I don’t need them now or ever!!

All I want and need I can’t have and so just want to be left in peace to live out my life the best I can.
I don’t intend to be bullied or coerced into doing anything I don’t want to do.
In fact I am happily going to turn into a selfish and independent old lady!!!

Take care, thinking of you and hope you get the answers you seek.
Xx

[eveham]

Hi Tomtom,

ln the end l made sure my sister in law suffered the ultimate humiliation by not only not attending, but also letting all his friends know that l wouldn’t be attending due to the landlady already deeming it unsafe to host due to the numbers involved and at the time, the covid rates were still high and as my husband died from covid, it was very irresponsible once again to put peoples lives at risk, as she recklessly invited my husband and let him spend over 30hours in the care home with their mother who was dying from covid, whilst she had already received her first jab because she worked in another home, so none of our local friends attended either. l will be reorganising the event again next year on his anniversary which l feel will be appropriate, inviting all his friends.

She, sister in law also managed to turn my step son, her nephew and his children, our grandchildren against me. Thing is, they stand to loose the financial and moral support l would have offered them. Luckily, l have my own children and l will not let anyone play any stupid, selfish mind games with me now. l’ve been through enough and if there is one thing this grief has taught me, is to look after number one and as you said, be selfish. Their loss. l will simply leave them out of my will. Revenge is a dish, best served cold.

As you quite rightly put it, you don’t need them, l don’t need them. l will not be bullied or coerced. Like you, l have every right and will turn into a very selfish independent lady. Stuff the lot of them. Lets keep in touch., we are very like minded. Take care and stay strong xx

[Tomtom]

Eveham glad you are at least finding the strength to stand up for yourself!

Putting ourselves first is a survival mode to cope with the grief we are going through ,that no one can fully understand if they haven’t lost their soulmate!

We might be perceived as selfish ,but do you know what ,who gives a damn! Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out ! The only opinion that mattered to me was my husbands. Not his brothers, his children or family.

Anyone who stands in judgement of me is not worthy of my time if they cannot at least empathise with this heart wrenching loss I have to endure!

Glad you are going with a life celebration on the anniversary of your partners passing.
I intend to do the same in January inviting his true friends who have been by my side since I lost him.
Don’t blame you for re-evaluating your financial goals. As you say they will be the losers in the end.

The snowflakes won’t be invited to his life celebration and have probably already forgotten what my husband meant to me and I to him , as they understandably continue in their life bubbles.

I’m not bitter, just realistic . Until they experience the loss of a partner they have no comprehension of loneliness, sadness and the gaping hole in our hearts that time really doesn’t heal .

I so need those arms to hug me, that smile to twitch when we both know we are thinking the same thing.
The fun of making up after a disagreement and the quietness of just being!

He always said I was the strong one in our relationship and I’m not letting him down now.
I need to feel he would still be proud of me.

So keep going girl and when we have meltdowns and weak moments we will support each other to get up again and fight another day in their memory.

I can talk a good fight just hope my mind can follow through!!!
Sending hugs and thinking if you!xx

[JenW]

Hi. I totally understand what you are saying. Over the last year or so I’ve been having treatment for cancer. My husband looked after me so well. For a a we shielded together. No one could have been more careful than us. My husband and I and both jabs so when everything lifted we went back to work. Part of my husband’s job was to go into schools to register the kids for cashless catering. He contracted Covid at a school. At first we weren’t too worried because he’d had his jabs but then he got worse and had to go to hospital. Meant to only have to go for a few days oxygen therapy. When he was taken to hospital we found out that a medication he had been on for years had a study done on it and all patients on this medication had a poor immune response to the vaccine. They knew this for some months but never told us. We didn’t realise how vulnerable he was. He moved into the spare room to protect me. We thought I was the vulnerable one. When he got to hospital his care was appalling and communication was awful. He was in hospital 2 weeks. I don’t think they made treatment decisions quickly enough. Seemed to be a lot of “ bank” staff that had. I idea what they were doing. He died on the 11th of August. I still can’t believe I lost my soulmate and best friend. I blame myself soo much for not looking after him better or calling an ambulance sooner. I didn’t know he basically had no antibiotics, that the vaccine didn’t work. If I did one little thing differently maybe he’d still be here. Life without him is unbearable. I just wish I could hold him again. How do we go on ???

[Tomtom]

Jenw, please don’t beat yourself up about what you did or didn’t do.
The fact is you couldn’t have changed the outcome, as you didn’t know about your husbands low immunity to the vaccine.
We all have these feelings of guilt and what ifs!!
It is still so raw and you are in shock.

I felt and to some extent still do, 8 months later, wonder if I could have done more.
I never dreamt as the ambulance took him to hospital that he wouldn’t be coming back!
Three and a half weeks of living hell while he struggled on a ventilator only to lose him in January.

I tell myself even if I had got him to hospital sooner or stopped him working he wouldn’t have caught it.
But the reality is the outcome would have been the same ,Covid is an unknown entity that just goes around attacking the weakest organs in the body.

The hospital consultant told me that as fast as they treat one organ being attacked ,Covid just ups and goes off to attack another organ. He said they really had no answers or treatment all they could do was try to manage it!
At the time he died I wondered if I had begged them to give him more time would he have survived?
I will never know but in my heart of hearts I know he wouldn’t have. It was just his time to go.

I am sure your husband knew you had tried to protect and help him. He obviously tried to protect you by moving into the spare room.
You really couldn’t have saved him especially as you were unaware the vaccine wasn’t enough to protect him.

My heart goes out to you for this terrible journey we are on.
I have no answers as to how we get through this as I still struggle 8 months on.
All I can tell you is the days of total meltdowns and the crying are becoming slightly less.
The sadness and loneliness remains but I am learning how to live with it.

Jenw believe that there is nothing you could have changed.
I am not a God botherer but firmly believe when God above decides it’s time to go he will take you.

Please keep in touch and I hope you are getting support from family and friends.
Xxx