Heather6 your story is a mirror image of mine as well.
It’s really weird that when you read a mirror image post it makes you want to open up about your own story.
You feel that someone outside of your circle can understand you better.
It’s like there is twin out there going through the same shit!!
Lost my husband on 27 January to Covid. We’d been together 31 years.
Like yours he was on a ventilator for 4 weeks of pure hell.
One day he was improving next day he had deteriorated. And so it went on for 4 weeks until the dreaded phone call.
I never dreamed the day he left here he wouldn’t be coming back.
Things like that happened to other people, not us.
I was able to be with him and although I was grateful for that, it didn’t ease the 4 weeks of hell of not being able to talk to him or hold him.
I hope you were able to be with your soulmate at the end.
How we survive this I don’t know.
At the moment the pain is as raw as it was the day I held his hand and he left me.
If I’m grateful for anything it’s that ,for his sake ,I’m glad he went first ,if that makes any sense.
I just know with certainty he would not have coped as I am having to.
We had sold the house and were downsizing before he became ill and next week I am moving .
I have never felt so lost or alone and numb when solicitors rang to say we had exchanged contracts.
I have to do this without him but believe he is with me and would want me to try and be strong.
So I feel for you and your loss and the emotions you will continue to experience for a very long while to come.
We are all so bereft and lonely as until you lose a partner you can have no real comprehension of the raw pain involved.
Nothing helps me in terms of antidepressants, counselling or brandy . When I’m at my lowest, posting my feelings on here helps, as I know there are others feeling the same and understand as family and friends can’t!!
I’m not qualified to offer anyone advice as I can’t help myself.
I just know I have to work through this on my own and pray one day I can accept this new life of mine and learn how to deal with it.
There isn’t a soul out there who can make me feel better of that I’m sure.
I wish , like others on here, counselling could be the answer to heal this pain but for me it’s not.
I know me better than anyone, the exception perhaps being my husband and he’s not here.
I’m 67 years old and hope that I know all my faults and how I will react by now!
The reality is I’ve just lost the other half of me, I’m lonely for his arms around me, I miss the disagreements and making up. I miss that he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and the best at everything even though I know I’m not!!
I miss that we could communicate with just a look, knowing exactly what the other one was thinking.
Memories are all we now have but God I am so grateful to have known true love in my life.
Sending virtual hugs and hope you find some peace eventually.