Lost and lonely

It’s been a little over nineteen months since I lost my wife of almost fourty one years, after an epic, awe inspiring fight. She was not going to give up. Even though the doctors told us at diagnosis that she was not likely to survive the cancer. I watched helplessly over that time, wishing every day that I could take it from her. I watched as this awful disease took her apart piece by piece. In her last months, being a first aider, I saved her three times and got her to hospital. Now all I can think is “what did I save her from” because the last two months was pitiful to watch, as this once strong and determined woman fell apart.

Our kids and grandchildren all thought I was bomb proof, because I was holding it together. Not realising that I was holding their mother together, and them. All the time I was screaming inside.

Like I said, It,s been almost nineteen months. I still miss her every day, wondering what I could have done to make her life better. When I make the bed each day, I still fold her nightie and put it under her pillow, her dressing gown still hangs on the back of the bedroom door.

Sorry if I rambled on a bit, my father in law says I should be over it and get on with my life, it all just seems pointless without her.


Hi Ian, you never get over it, it stays with you forever, I wish it didn’t, but it does, I think it gets easier to cope with over time, but personally I miss my husband as much now as I did when he first died, because you put a front on to protect the people that you love, they assume that you are ok, hopefully you will get comfort and support from this site, sending love Jude xx


Thank you.
Her name is Jude too

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Hi Ian,
I’m so sorry for your loss, my husband died 15 months ago and not a moment goes by when I don’t miss him.
He had been ill for a number of years, I always knew what was going to come, but when it happens it is still a shock.
I have many of his things still around the house, his toothbrush still sits next to mine. Even now when I wake up just for a second I forget he’s still not next to me. Losing Doug is something I will never get over, but very slowly learning to move forward and taking him with me in my heart.
We have children and grandchildren, our daughter was my rock in the last few years, without her support I would have been lost.
As a family we are there for each other, we love nothing more than talking about him and keeping him alive in our hearts. We can even laugh now at some of the things he used to get up to, he could be very mischievous.

I still work, I don’t enjoy it like I used to, but it does keep me busy, and I have good friends and family.
I talk to Doug every day, I have his photos all around the house, and I often write him letters kept in a journal telling about my day, our family and how much I miss him.

I’m sure you did everything humanly possible for you wife, we’ve all been there with the “if only”.
Your father in law does not mean to be unkind, it’s hard to understand what you are going through until it happens to you.
Sending love Debbie X


I try to move on, but I keep going back to the beginning.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to

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I don’t think any of us move on, just learn to live life a different way. My husband will always be the centre of my universe that will never change. X