gay, in a partnership with Alan for 34 years, we made it legal when we were able to in 2007. I lost him on holiday after 2 weeks of illness (acute pancreatitis). It still haunts me to see him in that Spanish hospital bed. he was admitted with Acute Pancreatitis which quickly led to respiratory failure and sepsis. They did warn me quite early that there was a small 20% chance that he would not make it at which point I went into panic mode, however when I had processed it I convinced myself that did not apply to Alan, only to older or weaker frail people. Indeed he started to get better, they restored his lungs and were working on the infection and told me he would be out of Intensive Care in a couple of days. I was overjoyed at that point as I thought we were out of the woods. Then suddenly my phone rang at 1am and I just knew the worst had happened. I rushed to the hospital and the doctor said he called out in pain at 10pm and they took him for scan and found that he had massive internal bleeding and there was nothing they could do for him. they said he was still alive but on a machine and only so that I could go and say my goodbyes…I cannot tell you what a traumatic time that was. he wasn’t there, yes his chest was moving up and down but that was the machine. he had already gone, I got no reaction or response. That was 24 March and I still feel in shock, I feel in a dream state and although I have a big family I live alone and they cant be there all the time. Early morning and evenings are the worst time as I always wake up hoping it has all been a terrible nightmare and evenings is when we would be together and talk about our day, have our dinner and watch our favourite TV. Now I am just going through the motions of eating when I feel hungry and sleeping when I feel tired. Nothing has any point. Alan’s death was unexpected as he was so strong and healthy and full of the joys of life. I am feeling completely lost and lonely now with no direction or purpose and everything seems pointless. It helps in a small way to write it all down because I am alone and most of the time and when I speak to a member of family or friend about it I cannot get my words out without melting into a crying, shaking wreck. How long can this go on…I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and hoping it is Alan letting me know he is watching over me. I talk to him as if he was still here and then feel a bit foolish.
Hello Paul
Firstly my deepest condolences on your loss I understand completely as I lost my husband in February 2016 it’s horrendous isn’t it? When we lose someone we love it’s almost as if they acted as an anchor for us and now we are adrift and it’s terrifying I suppose with them we felt strong supported and safe but without them we feel weak scared and vulnerable, everything we thought we knew turned on its head. I don’t remember the early days they were a bit of a blur to be honest mentally and emotionally sapped of energy but I do remember the little voice in my head was completely silent (now I know it was probably shock) but at the time it terrified me because I had no answers or comfort to help myself. I wish I could take your pain away as being a bit further along I know what you can expect everything will be painful at the moment there is no escaping that you will cry until you feel you have no more tears and then you will cry some more. Everything you do or try to do will remind of what you have lost I can’t even listen to music because it makes me emotional I still don’t really venture out much although I try to do something different every so often just because I know I must move forward but for you at this time it is so very early and there is no avoiding your feelings someone told me once that grief is the very last thing you will do for your love one and although it’s painful it is a tribute to the love you feel for them so embrace your feelings at the moment as they must be addressed so you can begin to try to heal please continue to share your thoughts and feelings on here it’s a safe space without judgement we are all in this horrendous club that we did not ask to join unfortunately so know that you are not alone xx
Thanks for your kind words AquariusA
I am so sorry to hear about your Alan. And such a shock when you had been through the panic and then thought you were ok. It can be a case of going through the motions at first.Now, some months later, I realise there are things I enjoy. I can speak to people who knew us without always getting weepy. I even get through most choir practices without the words of songs setting me off. And yes I talk to him. It is not foolish. Someone, I can’t remember who, asked me if I talked to him. I think I had felt silly doing it but now I do, particularly when I write my daily diary where I can put down my thoughts without anyone having to listen.
I am so sorry to hear about your Alan. And such a shock when you had been through the panic and then thought you were ok. It can be a case of going through the motions at first.Now, some months later, I realise there are things I enjoy. I can speak to people who knew us without always getting weepy. I even get through most choir practices without the words of songs setting me off. And yes I talk to him. It is not foolish. Someone, I can’t remember who, asked me if I talked to him. I think I had felt silly doing it but now I do, particularly when I write my daily diary where I can put down my thoughts without anyone having to listen.
Dear Paul, My deepest sympathy to you.
Reading your first post describes my feelings exactly. My husband died very suddenly at the end of Febrauary. I came home from work and found him. He was very fit and healthy.
The shock and grief is more than I can bear.
It’s the hugs. Where are the hugs?
thank you julia,trish and minnie, it’s good to share thoughts and experience with others who have or are going through the same. I know minnie, where are the hugs, they are not quite the same from friends and family who mean only well for us, but there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. my sincere condolences to all of you. Not being someones number 1 is hard when you have been used to it, but we have no option but to find a way forward as that what each of our dearly departed would want for us. may I wish you strength and best wishes for the future…
And may I wish you the very same! I know it’s a cliché but, one day at a time, and one foot in front of the other is where I am at the moment!
Just read all of your conversations and feeling so sad for us all. Joining this site has helped me feel a little less alone as stupidly until tragedy came 9 months ago, I had no experience of such emotional and physical pain. Keep your love and memories close and alive take them with you to grow into a bigger space inviting different things into your life does not take anything away from the life we led before. I found a certain peace in Yoga classes - good for mind and body. I really am no fitness freak and have found it really hard to push myself to go to a gym. It has been hard going for this last 3 months but the people there are friendly and invite me to join them for coffee after a class. Sharing, caring, crying (shouting to, in private) is normal. Best wishes to you all and hugs too.
The other pain is having to consciously remember to say I not We about things in the present. Like a stab through the heart!
The other pain is having to consciously remember to say I not We about things in the present. Like a stab through the heart!
I still say ‘we’, he is still with me.
Yes. There can be hugs, but they are not the same.
I do a lot as well
Hi Paul, I relate to everything you say, I lost my partner and soul mate Shirl very suddenly on 12 March, she was only 68. She was fine in the morning, she’d been busy doing house work, bustling round looking after me as I had a broken ankle. She sat down and had a drink, read the paper, decided what we were going to watch on tv, then she said she felt hot so took her jumper off. I got her some water and she said she thought she was dying, I just said don’t be silly just get your breath you’ll be ok, then she grabbed my hand shouted in going and collapsed, she was gone. Alive ar 12 and gone by 12 20! I rang 999 ambulance took 40 mins to get to us, then couldn’t find us and drove past. When they eventually came they worked on her for ages, they said there was a pulse but she wasn’t breathing. I’d been doing chest compressions but I didn’t know what I was doing, I’d only seen it on tv, I didn’t save her, they took her to hospital and put her on a ventilator but said she’d gone, it just gave a chance for her family to say goodbye. I stayed with her all night but the next day I asked them to take her off the ventilator as I knew she’d hate it. She died 5 mins later, I died with her. I’d been with her since I was 16 never been with anyone else. We lived together and worked together. It was always jackie and Shirl, we were like ant and Dec, never apart. I haven’t got anyone now. Only our dog and cat.
I have no gay friends, like you say every morning I wake dreading another day, I hate being in bed alone. Every day is getting worse. I’m here if you need to talk, maybe we can give each other a little help.
Take care
Jac
Jac what a terrible terrible shock that would have been for you, so sudden and so young. When someone so close goes so suddenly it is worse I think for those they have left behind as there is no time to prepare mentally and they leave a massive void. On the other hand if they are ill and incapacitated for a long time that is worse for them. Alan was only 69 and I try to comfort myself with the fact that it would have been tortuous for him to be dependent on me, as he was such a proud, strong and capable guy. Although we both had our roles and jobs, he was the stronger character and the one who looked after me. I had a bit of notice that his illness might be fatal but they gave me only 20% chance and I convinced myself it would be ok especially when he seemed to be getting better. I am haunted by seeing him so vulnerable in that hospital bed and I do not know if he knew he was going to die. I really hope not. You will find the strength to make a new future for yourself…we have no choice. We have to try to fill the void in some way. You will of course always have Shirl close to your heart and I find it hurts like hell to do new things or go to new places which Alan is not there to experience with me, I feel it must be the same for you. I am not religious at all, but I really hope Alan can see me…I can now see how people get great comfort from thinking the soul carries on.
Hi Paul SM. I have just read your post and it was as if it was mine. My husband was also called Alan and your situation and your feelings sound so similar. My Alan was being kept alive by a machine and he couldn’t speak. I didn’t get to say goodbye and that is the worst part. Yes, the mornings and evenings are the worst. I keep busy in the day but at night particularly you have to face the isolation. I have one piece of help for you although everyone is different. My husband died on 11th March. It is now two months since it happened and yes it has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. However, in the last few days I think I have come to terms with the fact that he isn’t here and isn’t coming back. I feel slightly better and not in so much pain. Of course the memories will always be with me . I still talk to him and ask him to help me as he always did in life but maybe I can find a new me somewhere in the future and hope you can too. Take care. Pattoa.
Hi Pattoa, ypur Alan died the day before Shirl and I am no where near excepting she is gone, I find the days so long and the nights longer. When I am in the house the silence kills me, when I’m out I just want to be back home. I can’t believe she is not at home waiting for me, or out somewhere and will walk back through the door any minute.
You have done so well to where you are, I would just like to feel a little peace instead of this agonising pain all the time.
Maybe I will get there one day, you give me a little hope x
Hello Jac. I’m so glad to give you hope, even a little. People keep saying take one day at a time. It’s a cliche but perhaps sensible. Keep reading the posts. I find it really useful, a bit like having a friend to talk to. I hope things improve for both of us. Regards and take care. Pattoa.