Hi there,
I just want to say how grateful I am for this community and the incredible support Sue Ryder offers. Thank you to everyone involved.
My parents were my world, my best friends. I loved them deeply and did everything I could for them. I lived 150 miles away and worked in a very high-pressure career.
In July 2023, my mum began to lose a lot of weight. After numerous hospital tests, she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Our family was devastated. I moved in with my parents and cared for her alongside a team of carers. Tragically, we lost my mum just six weeks later in September 2023. I was crushed. Everything felt surreal and I disassociated.
I stayed with my dad for three months to help him get back on his feet. He was doing okay, had his ups and downs, but maintained a strong routine that helped. He reconnected with an old friend, which brought new life into him. I called him constantly and visited every couple of weeks.
Eventually, I decided to sell my house and move closer to Dad so I could be more available. My house sold, and I began the process of exchanging contracts.
Then, in mid-August 2024, I got a panic call from him saying his body was shutting down. I rushed to him and suspected heād had a mini TIA. Nobody believed me, even a doctor at his local surgery insisted nothing was wrong and sent him home.
Watching my dad decline so quickly was terrifying. I was alone in the house with him, fearing the worst. It took me three days to get him into hospital, where they confirmed heād had a TIA. I thought the worst was over, and he was placed on a recovery ward for stroke patients, but he deteriorated every day.
After two very distressing weeks, I lost my dad on August 30th, 2024. I had stayed at the hospital the whole time, advocating for him and doing my best. It was heartbreaking to watch him decline so drastically from a vibrant man who recently drove his car, to a near-vegetative state.
He was eventually diagnosed with esophageal and brain cancer. It was devastating. It felt like I was living someone elseās nightmare.
I carry deep deep guilt, for not being able to save him, for not having time to discuss his diagnosis, even when he said to me early on the consultant is suspecting he might have cancer, and for not being there at the exact moment he passed. We only received the diagnosis days before his death, and by then, he was unresponsive. I was trying to stay positive, hoping and praying he might pull through. Now, I experience awful flashbacks daily and often find myself rocking gently to try and stop the haunting memories.
The day my dad died, I was lying beside him on his hospital bed, holding his hand. He was somewhere between worlds. He gripped my hand tightly and wouldnāt let go. I was overcome with nausea and needed a few minutes to step out. As I walked back into the ward, he passed away - just before I could get to him. I live with the guilt of not being there for his final breath. It felt like he didnāt want to let me go, and I wasnāt there when he needed me most.
Since then, itās been incredibly difficult to function. After the funeral, I had to pack up and move 150 miles away to a house that turned out to be barely liveable. The vendors hadnāt disclosed many problems. Itās been overwhelming.
Iāve lost both of my parents, relocated, stepped back from work, and recently lost my godmother unexpectedly too. My life couldnāt be more different from three years ago. Most days I feel like Iām clinging to the edge of a boat in a storm, just waiting for it to pass. Itās all-consuming, and the only thing I can do is sit with the feelings and hope they ease.
Thankfully, Iām surrounded by nature now, and I hope it helps me pull through. But right now, I feel lost, lonely, and often unable to get out of bed. I donāt want to be around many people.
Iām a very private person, so sharing this here is a big step for me. But I wanted to reach out. Thank you for reading.
Iām so sorry for the loss of your parents. You have been through such a lot.
.
Iām glad to hear youāre trying to be kind to yourself.