Lost both parents within months

Coping with bereavement
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Hello all, I’m doing OK. It’s just a couple of thoughts in my mind following my parents’ passing recently. Firstly it’s odd as I don’t mourn my mum that much. She was a loving mum, but she had anxiety throughout her life and became self-centred in her final years, and maybe that affected how I feel. That may change. Who knows?

But I’m still cut up about my dad’s passing ten months on. OK, he was old, 87, so I can’t complain! He had heart issues for his last two years and was in and out of hospital. I thought he’d get better, but I can see now the hospital staff didn’t think so, and they were right. A couple of things sadden me, and one will sound odd.

Firstly, although he retired early, he wanted to travel and do things, but he wasn’t really brave enough to do them on his own. My mum held him back to an extent. OK, he might have tried travelling and not liked it, but at least he’d have tried. If he had his time again, he would have travelled, and that saddens me a lot.

The second is odd, slightly comical. My mum was buried in the same grave as my dad six months after. Being nosey at my mum’s funeral, I had to look in the hole they’d re-dug maybe expecting to see the top of my dad’s coffin. All I saw was muddy soil and a few puddles. We’ll all end up that way I guess, but I just felt sad and uneasy about my dad being in that cold wet hole. It’s nonsensical as he’s dead and has no feeling or consciousness about being in that grave. I’m a practical person. I know a body has to be buried or cremated or it’d become a bloated rotting mess, but I just can’t get that wet muddy hole out my mind.

This grief is not consuming by any means, but it’s still an hour or so a day I think about my dad. He had a decent, simple and long life. I wished he’d done more for himself. He rarely went to school due to WW2, and this held him back hugely in life as he was a lot cleverer than his demeanour suggested.

I’m just curious about the wet soggy hole story and if anyone else feels that way?

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Hello Kev, I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re having those bad thoughts. It’s strange what goes through our mind, isn’t it? Now this won’t help you much but the way I think is that if your dad was meant to travel then he would have done. If he was happy then that’s all any of us can ask for.

With regards the burial plot, I’m guessing we’d had some wet weather for the hole to be muddy. It’s what I would have expected though as there is no way the diggers would have exposed your dad’s coffin. It’s only your dad’s shell in that box anyway, but it will be sealed tight and his body will be well protected. I can understand your feelings though. Some months after my husband had passed, I did a bit of research because I wanted to know what happened to a human body after it had been buried for months, years. How long did it stay intact? Actually and strangely, my findings gave me some comfort. I won’t say any more than that as some might find the topic uncomfortable.

I’m probably of no help to you at all Kev but at least you’ll know you’re not weird for feeling as you do. Take care. x

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Thanks. It’s interesting. I think if anyone with the exception of battle-hardened pathologists and the like saw an unpreserved body after a few weeks, they’d never forget it. I think I’ll opt for cremation!

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Hi Kev,

Your post is completely understandable to me. Like your dad, my dad thankfully reached a good age, but like your dad, he didn’t get to do the things he wanted to, so I feel very sad, he had just one holiday in the last 47 years of his life.

Also, I feel really sad when it rains, even though I know my dad cannot feel it at his grave it just makes me sad, as he hated the rain, he was unemployed and never had a car and to save money used to walk everywhere, each day after the 9 o’clock news he would watch the weather, and complain when they said it will rain, and so it just makes me really sad.

How are you doing? Hope you’re ok.

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Hi Abdullah

Thanks for your nice message. We both know it’s slightly irrational to be worried about loved ones in their graves. If they’re looking down from wherever, they’ll be more worried about us than their shells buried in the ground. I take great comfort from the fact my dad and my mum lived a long time and had healthy lives until shortly before the end. Hopefully your dad had a healthy life too.

I guess i was a bit down when I wrote my original post. I still miss my dad and guess that never changes. The muddy puddles I saw aren’t a big deal and not for your dad either. It would have been nice if my dad had left some sort of goodbye message such as “don’t worry about me” which was the sort of low key thing he’d say,

Sorry it’s been raining today, Abdullah. Your dad wouldn’t been happy with this weather. Hope you’re doing OK and thanks again for writing.

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Hi Kev,

Thank you for your message, yes, it’s so irrational, isn’t it? But I guess that’s exactly what our emotions can be.

I am glad you’re able to feel content that your parents had a decent life, even if you feel sad about your dad not being able to travel. I can totally understand that. My dad had a good life before I was born, he left Pakistan, worked and lived in Iran, UK and Germany before marrying my mum and settling in the UK, then he got made redundant and my whole life I saw him unemployed and struggling with health, so whilst I am grateful he reached a good age, I am just very sad I did not really see him get the happiness I wished him to see before he died. He was also very clsoe to me, whenever I lived away from home, rarely a day went by that we never talked by phone, we were best friends in many ways, so his loss is very difficult for me to take. I hate the fact that he will not be here for things like me getting married and having a family, I will really miss him on those occasions.

Anyway, enough rambling by me, I just had to write to you as I could totally empathise with your post.

Take care.

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Sounds like your dad did more then most people living in Germany, Iran and then UK. Having a son so close and who spoke to him every day must have made his life very nice. He did a lot right to have that, and that must have made him happy.

You were obviously very close and hence miss him a lot. I don’t think many dads speak with their grown children on the phone every day, so I think you made your dad very happy while he was here.

The “rain story” is a nice touch if that makes sense. You’ll always think of him when it rains, but hopefully you’ll do so with less sadness in the future and more with good memories.

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Thanks Kev, hope you’re doing ok in your life.

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