Lost both parents

Hi everyone,
I apologise in advance, this may be a long and rambling post. I lost both parents quite close together. One to Covid and one to cancer. They were divorced and both remarried. I wasn’t ready to clear my mums things( she only passed in December) but now my step father has died too and not only do i have to clear her things, i now have to clear the whole house because it has to be sold and split between me and 2 step brothers. The house where they lived used to be my grandmothers, so a lot of the stuff we have to clear was hers too. I’m really struggling to deal with it and because the two of them dont have the same emotional investment in the things at the house, they forget that i do. They’ve thrown stuff away without checking if i wanted it and i feel i cant say anything because the whole estate was left to the three of us equally, so technically it is theirs to throw.

I miss my mum every day, we were best friends and i was an only child. Some days i feel like its actually killing me and i can’t stop crying. I think about the night she died constantly and beat myself up all the time for little things i feel i should have done or done differently. I’m angry with the doctors for not treating her and misdiagnosing her in the first place. Just walking into the empty house and her not being there to shout hello can bring me to my knees, literally. I’ve had counselling from the hospice but that ended before my step dad died, so none of this stuff about clearing the house was happening then.

Please tell me my feelings are normal.

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Hello.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and it resonates somewhat with me - your emotional feelings seem normal to me although like you with everything I have been feeling I often wonder if I will feel better or if I am going mad. I am new to this community and this is the first time I have the courage to join in. I may ramble as well, sorry.

My mum passed away suddenly in January and I wasn’t prepared at all. I still live the traumatic night over and over, I went to her flat and found her collapsed in the hall, she had died many hours prior, she was only 70. Dealing with paramedics and police late at night then coroners just plays round and round in my head nearly everyday. She was not in the perfect health but no way at the end of life. I am also an only child and I have felt quite alone in my feelings for the last few months (I have support from my wife and grown up children but it is difficult to discuss my feelings). I was immediately thrown into the whirlwind of admin and clearing my mums flat. She had divorced from my dad 20 years ago and lived in a rented flat about 80 miles away. Going through my mums flat was emotional at best and traumatic at times, especially as I had to do this within a month and start just days after finding my mum. I felt a great weight of responsibility to not throw too much away. My wife helped me but it was often the case that she might think something was not worth keeping but it had some link, however small between me and my mum. Over a 4 week period I moved things into boxes and transported back to Suffolk to a lock up I rented.

I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you to have to deal with losing your mum and then to have to now sort out the house. I have the anger (really towards myself) and guilt about how the end came for my mum but all this seems to be normal from what I read - doesn’t make me feel a lot better though.

So I apologise if I am not helping you as much as I would like to. We will get through this, our mums will be with us with the memories we have and I hope all goes well for you.

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Hi, it’s so awful having to clear a house after death…:broken_heart::cry: My Mum died in January, unexpectedly and it was a devastating shock. I cleared her house, helped by my brother. We were numb with shock and literally needed to be practical in the face of the pain. There was so much stuff, lots of it stored by our parents, left by other family members. Now the house is empty and we still have to check on it and maintain the garden until it sells. It’s a real test of grief for me, I literally grit my teeth as I put the key in the door. The absence of my Mum is unbearable, but I have to do it. These raw, harsh times will pass, we just have to keep going until they do. Take care xx

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Hi,
I’m sorry to hear about your mum, I’m glad my first post gave you the courage to join in with the forum for thr first time. I guess we are all dealing with the same feelings and that is the reason we are all here, to help each other. Sometimes I think I just need a reminder that although I feel I am going through this alone, I am not the only one going through it.

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Hi,
Sorry to hear about your mum too. I have a little bit of clearing to finish before the house can go on the market but like you, i have to keep checking on the house and keeping on top of the garden. I keep telling myself I’m doing it for mum, she always kept the garden really well and she’d be uspest to see it over grown.

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Sending my deepest sympathies for the loss of your Mum. Regardless of what you keep and let go of, you’ll always regret not keeping something. Its 10 years this december since we lost my Mam and I still cant believe in the shock of her passing, i let my Nana’s 1920s wedding vases go to charity! I don’t know what must have been going thru my head when we cleared the house, I obviously wasnt myself at the time.
I’m sure you’re doing a good job, as are youre step brothers, and for you to manage at all is remarkable while you’re grieving. Its hard to let go of anything, i still have my Mams handbag with everything still in it as she left it, including her mobile phone, nail file, comb and her bits and bobs!
I’m sure that whatever you do, your Mum and Stepdad will be happy with the decisions you all make, sadly we cant keep everything and letting go of most of their things is a must (the majority of us just dont have the space to hold on to everything, sadly)
Sending love your way xx

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Your feelings are normal - completely normal and just because you are frightened of them and are asking for this validation, rest assured the chaos and uncertainty are unfortunately, part and parcel of grief.

It’s horrible and I can so relate as I lost my mother last year (it’s been 14 months) and I still feel a deep sadness within me. Like you, she was my best friend and my rock and now she has gone.

I do hope you can sort out the practical stuff you have to do.

Lots of love x

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Hi. Totally normal
I lost my Mum to covid.
She’d had dementia and was in a care home.
We were in lock down so i couldnt see her.
She didnt understanding what was happening.
It felt like my whole world smashed but i was supporting my Dad through his grief so.felt i couldnt grieve properly.
Just as i started to settle, my Dad then died suddenly and unexpectedly too.
I felt like it was my fault. Like I’d made.it happen.
Id been so worried after losing my Mum that my Dad would pass too. He’d hinted at taking his life at times.
I felt like I’d manifested his death somehow.
I know thats not true but its how I felt.
All of a sudden I was clearing not just my mums things but my dads too.
I felt like the universe wanted to punish me.
Its horrible.
My Aunt has now passed away too and all those feelings have come back.
I was with her when she died.
It was horrible.
You’re not alone in how uou feel.
Anger, sad, blame. They all circle me too

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Hi Yummiwoo,

What an absolutely horrendous time you’ve had, losing both of your parents and your Aunty in such a short space of time, my heart goes out to you. It’s not surprising that your emotions are all over the place but I’m pleased that you know deep down that you are in no way responsible for your dad’s death.

Guilt is part of our grieving process and I know I have spent lots of time blaming myself and beating myself up over what I could’ve done differently but, unfortunately, I can’t change any of it and it doesn’t help anything. Our parents know we would never do anything to intentionally harm them and have only ever done our best by them as we love them so much.

I lost my mum in March this year and lost my dad in January 2021, during Covid so I couldn’t see him until very near the end, so I can relate to some of how you’re feeling. I worried a lot about the possibility of losing my mum too after my dad died and then it actually came true just over two years later, I felt I should have been able to prevent it happening, but of course I couldn’t. Like you, I was totally crushed by losing them both, in particular my mum who i lived with and was so close to.

I definitely can identify with what you’re feeling right now, but I do find posting on here and listening to others a help and comfort. Hopefully we can help one another get through these darkest of days x

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