Hi Sam
I guess we dont realize how painful and exhausting grief is until we go through it.
It shows how strong the bonds are and how ill equipped we are to deal with the finality.
I was just at my mom’s checking on her house because she decided to take a much needed trip. Its impossible - I cried most of the visit. She wasnt there, my dad’s things are still in their places, I walked through the emptiness feeling his presence everywhere and no where. its so permanent and final. There really isnt an escape hatch or a “fix”. We just have to go through the mountain and face this. The brain does get more peaceful with time. We all know that because we see others have come through this.
As sad as you feel, it will become bearable in time. The solace is that your dad was wonderful, fun, and made you who you are - he saw to that.
I wish there was more to say.
Ell
Ok Jooles
Thank you
Thanks Ell that’s so spot on. That must have been so hard. My heart goes out to everyone. I lived at home so dad’s things are everywhere even the fridge has all his favourite things to eat. He’d even been to the butcher’s for Christmas so still got his scratching in the cupboard. Wish he was here instead x
I am staying with dad for a few days as he isn’t very well so I have driven back to stay with him. Mums shoes still by the door. As you say Ell. They are everywhere but nowhere. House do quiet. I can feel her presence everywhere. I am looking at her empty chair remember Xmas’ here and all our Saturday meet ups here with lunch and the kids staying over for the weekend. I can’t cry here as dad is very fragile. I’ll cry all the way home tomorrow
Hope your dad gets better soon jooles x
Thoughts are with you jooles x
Sam, Ell,
I find it’s the little things that give me the most pain and the most comfort at the same time. From where I sit, I can see mum’s possessions. Her things which serve no purpose anymore than to give me comfort as they are evidence of a life once lived. I cannot throw them away because it would feel like I’m erasing her existence. In my mind, these things come alive and have memories associated with them. To anyone else, they are just things taking up space and of course they are just inanimate objects. What I really want of course is not to have these things at all, I want her to have them back so from that point of view they cause pain.
I was thinking a lot about acceptance last night and how with acceptance comes peace. These things are an aspect of that acceptance where I have to accept that mum will never need or use these things ever again. It’s hard though.
Jooles, everywhere and nowhere about sums it all up. Never do so many opposites go together so well than at a time of grief and loss of loved ones. I’ve said before for me that things make sense and don’t make sense at the same time. It’s maddening.
I wish you and your dad well today. x
Shaun
I posted mums bus pass back to Kent county council yesterday. Having got rid of so much of mums stuff, this was just sitting in her bedside drawer. I finally posted it, so another thing of her erased. But wvetu time I opened that drawer to get out an envelope or a stamp mums face just stared up and she took that bus pass everywhere.
Another painful reminder gone from the house I suppose.
Cheryl, I can sum it up by saying that I want to keep stuff but don’t want to see it. Not logical really. I’m thinking that with time, I shall get rid of things with a clearer mind and distil her possessions down to the most important stuff with photographs being the most important out of everything. Some of the stuff that is painful to look at right now I’m hoping I will enjoy in the future. In amongst that are not important things but useful things that we’ve integrated into our house, e.g. her TV, some pots and pans etc. I’ve got mum’s bus pass somewhere but didn’t think I’d need to do anything with it.
I now find myself pondering over the plan with mum’s ashes in April and I was going to ask everyone their thoughts on the matter. Not sure if I should ask it here though.
I am sorry that your dad isn’t well, Jooles, Spring is just around the corner, I hope your dad will feel better soon.
x x x x
Shaun
I thought you were going to scatter them at your holiday home?
That still sounds like a lovely idea but it’s up to you and your family.
I dont regret scattering my mind ashes even though I’m unlikely to visit the spot they were scattered, I will go to the crematorium once or twice a year to tidy my grandparents grave.
It just didnt feel right having them sitting in the wardrobe here and I didnt want to start splitting them up or making jewellery from them.
I’m happy they are back in south london where mum and dad met and her old life was before we all moved to kent.
Mums ashes not mind…
Jooles, that really is so beautiful. Yes beautiful. The last verse says it for me. I’ve read the poem three times so far and the more I read it the more I see in it. Thank you. Sending love 
Jooles
Its so hard being at their house for you. You are doing such a good thing being there for your dad.
Ell
Hi Shaun
That is true, it does
There is just no scripted route to get us to that “acceptance”. It comes eventually. Being here with all of us is honestly the best therapy. You say what we feel and vice versa.
Keep her stuff forever - and tell stories to your family when talking about her becomes easier.
Ell
Isn’t it wonderful that poem. Love the last verse
Thank you Ell. I just want to be there for him. We didn’t know mum was ill. I can’t let him down aswell.
Ell,
Yes you are right, there is no script to this, no right way, no wrong way, just an individual way. Still, reading all about the ways of others does provide some guidance and some ways I may not have considered.
Some stuff I’m keeping from mum and just boxing it up never to be seen for a long time. The reason being my daughter who will grow up one day and may like some of this stuff, e.g. crockery etc. If not, she can always chuck it! I shall try not to leave her with too much junk to dispose of though!
Jooles45, I hope your Dad feels better soon. x