One week ago today I found my Dad passed away on his garage floor after my mum called asking me to call an ambulance as dad had fell and was making no sense…he was diabetic so I assumed a sugary drink was all that was needed.
Anyone meeting my mum would assume dementia but she doesn’t have it,she really is away with the fairies.
My Dad always said “if I collapsed shed call you and not an ambulance”…well he was right…I got there and froze when I saw Dad…I was a coward…a coward that couldn’t face seeing if she could have saved her dad…it was another 10 minutes before the ambulance arrived…and minutes later my world caved in…my beautiful,darling Dad was gone.
For 3 hours he laid there as police had to be called.
I cant get the images out my mind…the horrible position he was in…I wonder if I could have saved him or was he gone anyway…he looked gone
My grief is complicated by the fact my mum is helpless without Dad…her pain is so hard to witness…my other 2 sisters are taking it in turns to be with her but one sister is domineering and unstable and making things hard…insist mum will never spend a night alone ever…I agree in these early stages but its not realistic.
Mum will not leave her home,she hasn’t left the house since it happened…she has problems with her bladder and obsessed over needing the loo.
Sorry to waffle I just want to curl up and be left alone with my grief but I cant …
My anxiety is high and I keep panicking I will collapse like my dad.
Xx thanks for listening
I just wanted to reassure you that your reactions and feelings are perfectly normal. When my dad died of a heart attack aged 53 I just froze whilst my mum gave CPR.
I did nothing and dad was declared dead withing a minute of the ambulance crew arriving. I thought I would never do that again.
But when my mum suffered a massive bleed on the brain 2 years ago and the doctors told me she eluding live through the night, I sat in the relatives room too scared to leave.
Was I scared of seeing mum like that and never forgetting the images?
Did I think that she wouldnt die if I didnt see her?
I dont know and I have to live with both of my actions.
I think that you are in so much shock and denial when these things happen that you just have to go with your gut reaction.
You couldn’t have saved your dad as he was gone and none of us can change what is meant to be
Thankyou for your reply…it helps to know others understand.
I’m having moments of feeling “normal” but even that feels wrong…grief is a roller coaster and I want to get off …x