Lost him

Hello to everyone. I’m Viktoriia I’m 32 years old , I lost my beautiful husband 4 weeks ago …, the funeral will be in 2 days . I m still very denying the reality and looking at his pictures each day thinking “ here he is alive … looking at me from the picture . He can’t be gone … it’s impossible “ I’m looking for him everywhere in the crowd , I’m reading our conversations again and again … I m sometimes hysterical but sometimes very calm as if nothing has happened but then the reality is catching up. I have 4 month old baby girl who looks just like her dad . I find it very difficult sometimes to look at her as sue resembles him but I love her madly. My husband had diabetes type 1 throughout his life up until it destroyed his kidneys . In 2011 he had organ transplants . New kidney ana pancreas. I met him in 2017 and in 2019 we got married. This year in January 27 our little girl was born and he was holding my hand while I was giving a birth … in a few months I was holding his hand while he was dying … I feel so desperate that only my daughter is still keeping me here . Not long before he passed away he came home from hospital and said his kidney is not working properly. Doctors assume it works 50% and in reality he will need kidney transplant. He was admitted to the hospital a few days after then with law oxygen level, nasty lung infection. He stayed 2 weeks in ICU - first weak was very ill but conscious and then getting better , second week was under lung ventilation then doctors added dialysis. I was so so desperate every day I was visiting him abs holding his hands and praying abs praying for him. I was ready to give anything in this world for him but miracle didn’t happen. His father got a call early morning that he is deteriorating and we went to see him. He was dying … I couldn’t believe it all has happened. I was holding his hands … touching his legs his chest I couldn’t believe he is sleeping away from me … he was unconscious all weak and I couldn’t ask him anything … I promised to bring his his daughter to say goodbye. I did visit him at the funeral directors 3 weeks after he passed away and brought our little daughter. I touched his cold hands … he was wearing his wedding suit I prepared for him . I was not recommended to uncover his face but I did … I had to do that and it was very painful . Yesterday I bought beautiful light blue dress for our daughter to wear at the funeral and I still can’t believe he has gone … I chose coffin and urn and flowers and pictures…. I saw him on coffin and touched him and kissed his cold hands but I can’t possibly perceive the true reality . I really want to fall asleep and once I’m awake he will be near me telling me it’s all just a bad dream . I need to write down what I want to say about him at the funeral but my mind seemed to be avoiding it all the time . I also had to put down one of his cats who was old and very sick … I stayed with her till the end and kissed her and pet her until her little heart stopped beating … I know that’s what he would do . He loved his cats and so did I . I’m from Ukraine originally and my Ukrainian parents have been stayng with us over a year . My husband helped me to bring them here to keep them safe . They are helping me a lot with baby and just in a house . My husbands parents are 75 and they live 6 hours away . They are helping with the funeral abs documents and lots of things but no one wants to talk about him …they clearly avoid talking about him. My parents get very frustrated and crying a lot when we talk about him. It leaves me mostly grieving on my own at night when everyone is asleep. Sometimes I think it’s the end and I don’t want to wake up in the morning I know it will hurt . The reality hurts .


dear @Vika I am so sorry that you lost your husband. You are going through so much pain. It is still very early days and raw and having a young baby it must be so difficult and lonely for you without your husband. You did all you could for your husband and it must be so traumatic for you. I lost my husband suddenly 5 months ago. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday I got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed and time I got home he was gone. He was 53 years old. I am still in denial and wish he could come back. Life is so unfair and cruel. I completely understand that you want to talk about your husband and keep his memory alive. Could you tell your parents how you feel as it is important that your baby knows all about her father. Could you write a journal about your husband for your baby and for yourself. Take one hour at a time and if you want to cry, scream, shout then do so. Have you got any friends who can support you and be there for you? Hopefully you will get a lot of support from this forum as lots of people at different stages. Sending lots of love and hugs xx


@Vika I’m so sorry you have had to join this club. All of us would rather have our partners than be here but that’s not the horrible reality we all face. Acceptance will come and lighter days but first you have to walk through the pain . It’s all raw and open at the beginning and finding an outlet on this forum is good. Family may not talk as it’s too painful for them too but it’s sad that they won’t talk to you about it.
It’s devastating that he won’t be there to help bring up his daughter but I’m sure he’ll be around guiding you both even if you can’t see him.

I’m so sorry for the death of your partner, life is so cruel and it’s so hard to understand why this happens to us.

Keep sharing on here and everything your doing is part of grief, nearly all of us can feel your pain as we have been there.

I’m 4 months in and I communicate with my partner through a diary and also by just talking to him. I don’t feel him around me but I know if he could be with me, he would.