My dad was given 3-6 months to live in January and passed away in June. I was able to be with him when he died at home which I am really grateful for but these images play over in my mind and get me really upset. My mum was in hospital at the time of his death and was not able to be with him. I live 80 miles away from them, but moved back in with them in February to care for them both. I am really lucky to have had some quality times with them both. However I did not have time to grieve for my dad as the day after his funeral we were told that mum was end of life as well. Mum was in hospital but they moved her out to a nursing home where she died 6 weeks later. I had visited her everyday and was also able to be with her when she died. I stayed in their home until after the funeral and have now moved back home, which I’m really struggling to deal with. I am absolutely broken and struggling to get on with normal life. I’ve lost all of my confidence to do things and keep having panic attacks. I cry lots and have pains in my chest. Doctor has given me sleeping pills as I haven’t slept properly in months and is sending me for an ECG.
I have a husband and a 25 year old son, but don’t want to burden them with how I am feeling as my husband was diagnosed with cancer in Sept, just to add to my horrific year!!
I have lots of good friends, but they are all busy and I don’t want to burden them. Unless you have been through this, I don’t think you really understand how it feels.
I’m Seaneen and I can see that you’re new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. It sounds like you have gone through so much with losing both your parents and your husband’s cancer diagnosis. You are not alone and you don’t have to do this by yourself.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief: https://griefguide.sueryder.org/
I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents, to lose one parent is hard so I cannot imagine what you are going through having lost 2 in such a short time frame. I’m also really sorry to hear about your husband. Please do not ever think you are a burden to your friends, reach out if you can. You need some support especially if you are keeping how you feel from your family. I would speak to your son and husband, there is only so much you can take on yourself and I’m sure those around you would be saddened to know you are struggling alone. You are absolutely not a burden, you have had a traumatic year and haven’t had the time to grieve. There are always people here willing to listen, you are not alone. But you have taken the step of posting here, which is really brave and I really hope it helps. I lost my lovely mum last week and it has been hard, I watched my mum struggle after losing both of her parents in a short space and I would have been sad knowing she was struggling in silence. Take care of yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve xx
You have been through the mill, haven’t you? I really feel for you and what you have had to bear recently and I do hope your husband’s situation will be manageable, at least.
So hard to lose both parents in such a short space of time but it seems to me that you’ve done your very best at supporting them and it was so good you spent all that time.
Now, it’s high time to focus on you, as much as possible in the light of your husband’s diagnosis - you are completely frazzled and need help yourself. I assume you aren’t working because you need to take some time to rest and refresh yourself, as much as you can.
My own mother died just over six months ago and what disappoints me sometimes is that people just don’t ask anymore and I certainly want to spend more time alone when I am not with my father. It’s all difficult, isn’t it?
Maybe pursue some therapy or counselling as that will allow you to talk and vent.
Hi thank you for replying. Sorry to hear about your mum. I know where you are coming from with people not asking how you are. It has only been 3 months since mum died, but people just expect you to be over it by now and be back to normal.
I have gone back to work on a phased return, because I haven’t been at work since March as I was away caring for my parents. My work have been extremely supportive and I am so grateful to them.
I have found today very hard as it is remembrance day and it was this time last year that dad told me his cancer had spread. As for Christmas I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with that as we always went to stay with mum and dad on boxing day for a week
Good to read your reply! I am glad your work has been understanding and so they should be but they must value you which is a positive.
Yes, you must be full of thoughts of about the past and what your Dad told you this time last year. I don’t know about you but I am so taken up with the past - it’s the thing that occupies my mind most of the day. I think this is “standard operation” for grievers.
I do understand what you mean about Christmas. My advice here is make a plan which is will be different to what you normally do - what about going out for Christmas lunch?
Do not expect too much from yourself over the next year. Loss of one’s parents is a profound experience and do not think that you should be hurrying your grieving process. Personally speaking, my mother was my best friend and confidante and although I am “managing”, I am still needing lots of quiet time so you should try and allow yourself the same.
