Lost mum on Christmas day

Nearly 5 years ago mum had a sudden unexpected brain haemorrhage. 6 months in hospital and multiple bits of information saying she could be vegetative. She had a craniectomy and woke up began to talk again and never had the plate put back into her skull. I’d just turned 21 and she was 53. Over nearly 5 years she started a semi recovery. She managed a few steps with aid and had to be supervised at all times. Her voice changed, her attention span changed and she lost any use of her left arm. I struggled for a long time as dad was still working I became a carer and looked after her changing her and making food etc. The grieving process never seemed to end. Then 2.5 years later my dad retired and I was able to start my own career. I work long hours but still lived at home. This christmas I was at my partners house 2 hours away. I recieved a phone call saying to come back now. Mum had unexpectedly had another brain haemorrhage on the other side of the brain to the first one. My dad did cpr and she made it to hospital. She never regained consciousness and died 3 days later whilst I was in the room. I keep hearing the machines the sounds of her struggling to breath the grinding of her teeth and the gargling in her lungs. I’m so lonely without her. She was my mum and best friend. I have a very small family and my dad has never been as open and understanding as my mum. I dont know how to go back to work where I deal with death also. I’m struggling to sleep so badly and I dont want to think. I want her back. I’m so angry. I’m worried about my own health as now this appears it could be a genetic issue. She will never see me get married or have children and I feel robbed. I cant understand why and I feel like I’m being punished for something.

Hi ces544,
I’m sorry to read about your mum and it has really given me a different perspective. I’ve been so down for 6 months since my mum had a sudden and unexpected brain hemorrhage too. My mum was full of life and very energetic and happy at 74. She did all my childcare and we enjoyed shopping and pub lunches. On the 13th june she suffered a brain hemorrhage. She fell asleep within moments and never woke again. I turned her life support off the following day which was her and my dads 50th wedding anniversary.
I have no idea why it happened or why it was so massive that she was brain dead within hours.
I am so lost without her and wish every day that dgd had survived. Then I read your story and I see that my mum would have been paralysed, completely dependant on others and suffering and I know my mum would have hated it. If my mum couldng have lived the fun, carefree life she was living then she wouldn’t have wanted to be here.
I also worry about my health. My dad died of a massive heart attack at 53 and now mum gone from s massive brain hemorrhage at 74.
Dying on xmas day is terrible as well. There isnt much I can say. You got extra years with your mum that i didnt but you grieved the mum you lost 5 years ago.
It’s an awful situation. You just need to look after yourself and take each day as it comes.
Can the doctors do any tests to find out if you are at risk? I asked my doctors but they just said look after myself, keep healthy, and avoid stress which is impossible
Cheryl x

Hi cheryl,
Thanks for your reply. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum it’s such a cruel thing to happen. I felt the same way with the first haemorrhage. I couldn’t understand why, she was only 53. Then the second I couldn’t believe it could happen again and it’s so cruel to rob the brain of everything as it is who you are. I miss her so much as she will never see any life events for me as I’m 25. I have asked the doctors and they are contacting neurosurgeons to see if it is possible as to have two such massive bleeds is very rare and both her parents also had strokes. I worry I may not have a long life either and everything frightens me. I only have my dad and I fear this will effect his health. It’s all such a worry and I miss her so much. I’m sorry for the loss of both your parents. I’m lucky to have my dad but it all just feels like a matter of time before I’m left completely alone.


HI Cat, I read your post and wanted to add how sorry I am to hear about what has so drastically happened in your family. I am thinking of you and wondering how you are getting on. I’m sure I know the answer to that and I suspect not very well. 5 years is a long time to deal with what you and your mum have had to cope with. I didn’t lose my mum in the same circumstances but the way you describe your emotions is what I am very familiar with. Mums are unique, they are our best friends and offer us unconditional love. How can we possibly exist in a world where they do not. You are not being punished for anything, life is just the way it is, most of the time it can be wonderful and we have lots of ambitions and plans which include our loved ones and other times it can just be cruel.
I lost my mum suddenly at the end of August while she was with my family on our annual summer holiday. She was having a lovely time up until the last day of the holiday when in the morning I found her sat up in bed with breathing difficulties. I didn’t think for one moment that she would die within the next hour or so. I was told to get a defib after I called the emergency services. As I sprinted to get one I still didn’t think that things would go the way they did. But they did. 40 minutes of CPR didn’t work and that was the end of our holiday, mum’s life, my world and our future. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the whys. It was way too sudden for my liking and there should have been many more years to go.
I hope you and your family have some peace in the coming weeks. It will take time and it is good for you to be able to talk about anything you want. We are here to listen. I know your emotions will be all over the place right now and very unpredictable and I totally understand why you feel you’ve been robbed.
Shaun x