My lovely mum passed away last week at the ripe old age of 91. For the last 6 years she lived with me following my dad’s passing, and it was a joy to have her with me. I feel sick and empty and terrified of the future. I am divorced with no children. I have a sister who is also on her own and we are close but i cannot get out of my head that I could lose her too. I know mam wanted so much to be with Dad so I take comfort in that. I am worried about getting her funeral right. Sorry for the rant but I have so much in my head.
Hello Allie
I’m so sorry you have lost your lovely mum and I so recognise the feelings you mention. I lost my lovely mother (who lived with me) late last year and I do not have children or a partner and only one sibling and no other family.
FWIW, I too have worried about what would happen if we lost the other. I know there are some practical things we can do to plan for were the worst to happen ( e.g. to ensure we have each given the other power-of-attorney) but I’m just not ready to deal with that now. To stop my mind repeatedly worrying at the issue I have quite literally put an entry in my diary to remind me to deal with this. Having it in my diary has allowed me to stop thinking about this as I know I am not ignoring the issue as I have ‘a plan’. Perhaps this might help you?
In relation to the funeral a very wise person I know said funerals are for the living and while of course you want to honour your mother and do what you think she would want, equally you need to be able to manage it yourself. So eg while we chose a Scottish song to play at the funeral we didn’t pick her favourite as we knew we wouldn’t be able to cope with is - so we picked another one she loved. In this way we honoured her but looked after each other. I also strongly suspect- given how long you have lived with her - if you ask yourself what she would want, the answer will come to you loud and clear - an quite possibly in her own words.
it is still very soon after you list her so you will probably still be in shock and your grief will be at it’s absolute rawest , so try to look after yourself in the basic ways - eating drinking and sleepingz. Even if that feels impossible have a little.
Hang on in there. I’d like to tell you it gets better but so far I have not found that to be the case, however, I do find I manage it better as time passes and and I pace myself and try to look after myself and take as many walks in nature as I can because that is one of the few things I find that helps.
Look aft
J
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Sorry the typing went a bit weird - meant to say look after you.
Thank you so much for your kind words and practical advise which sounds so sensible. I know its a matter of one day at a time. I guess over time we learn to adapt and continue.
I am so sorry for your loss too.
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Hello Allie01, I am in a similar position. Mum ( just short of her 94th) and I lived together all our lives; my dad died when I was young. I have a partner. He lives and cares for his Mum. In later years I will have no-one to call upon. I don’t think far into the future, but take it day-by-day. I had Power of Attorney for my uncle and Mum. I know its something I need to do. Try to practise self care. In the early days, I cried alot and then went numb. It is still very surreal. Get your sleep and eat healthy. I also go for walks. I just talked and talked about Mum in the early days. I also found doing practical things helped - lots of cleaning and dusting. Here if you need to talk.